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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

refunding a buyer who didn't want or pay for insurance?

19 replies

Crole · 18/09/2025 13:09

I sold a kid's Halloween costume on small ads last week, the buyer didn't want the tracking and insurance but I paid the extra euro just for peace of mind for myself. She transferred €16 as agreed.

Sent it by DHL last Tuesday, no more tracking after it had been picked up that day. She sent me a message today to say that it hadn't arrived and if I could check with them where it was. Filled in the form and within 30 mins DHL said it's lost and refunded me the value amount I'd stated, €18 plus the €6 postage.

My partner thinks I'm giving a stranger free money by refunding her as she didn't want the insurance in the first place and I should see it as payment for the effort I've put in running around. I never usually send because of the hassle but made an exception because she was very friendly, quick to answer and waited 3 weeks until I had a big enough box.

I think refunding is the right thing to do, I've got the amount I wanted for the costume so why try to make a gain from it? Would also feel bad about not doing it.

Interested to see how the mumsnetters stand on this 😄 I'm sure there are legal points to this I'm not considering but I'm more interested in the moral side. (I will be refunding no matter what)

YABU - don't be so soft, her problem
YANBU - a refund is fair and the right thing to do

OP posts:
NeverCouldGetTheHangOfThursdays · 18/09/2025 18:20

Of course you refund. Your buyer paid for an item that she ultimately didn't receive. DHL have refunded you because it's you who contracted them to deliver on your behalf and now you owe your buyer a refund because your contracted courier failed to deliver what she'd paid you for.

ObtuseMoose · 18/09/2025 18:22

Giving her free money? How? What a weird thing to think.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 18/09/2025 18:24

NeverCouldGetTheHangOfThursdays · 18/09/2025 18:20

Of course you refund. Your buyer paid for an item that she ultimately didn't receive. DHL have refunded you because it's you who contracted them to deliver on your behalf and now you owe your buyer a refund because your contracted courier failed to deliver what she'd paid you for.

Agreed. The insurance is for you not her as until it is in her hands it is your responsibility.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 18/09/2025 18:25

Agreed, you refund her the money she paid you, you keep the money from DHL.

nomas · 18/09/2025 18:28

I would refund her but make sure you break even e.g. subtract the cost of the insurance from the refund.

What is small ads policy? on eBay, if the seller can't provide proof of delivery, they will refund the buyer.

UnhappyHobbit · 18/09/2025 18:34

Regardless of whether the bought insurance, you have to ensure delivery of the product as a seller.

Why does your partner think it’s ok to keep someone’s money that they’ve paid for a product they didn’t receive?

Crole · 18/09/2025 21:27

UnhappyHobbit · 18/09/2025 18:34

Regardless of whether the bought insurance, you have to ensure delivery of the product as a seller.

Why does your partner think it’s ok to keep someone’s money that they’ve paid for a product they didn’t receive?

Ahhhhhhh I've just found out there is a cultural and legal difference between the UK and Germany (where we are) which makes his stance a bit more understandable. 👇

TLDR: if the buyer has the choice between the tracked or untracked and chooses the cheaper one, risk of loss transfers to the buyer. The seller usually proves they sent it with a photo of the envelope or a video of them posting it.

I'm from the UK but left 20 years ago and don't remember ever sending anything.

Longer explanation

Germany (eBay Kleinanzeigen / private sales):

In private sales ("Privatverkauf"), the seller can generally exclude liability for loss and damage if this is clearly stated in the listing (e.g. "Keine Garantie, keine Rücknahme").

When it comes to shipping, sellers often offer two options:

Untracked/Uninsured (e.g. Warensendung, Bücher- und Warensendung, Briefpost) – cheaper, but with no tracking or insurance.

Tracked/Insured (e.g. DHL Paket) – more expensive, includes liability.

If the buyer explicitly chooses the cheaper, untracked method, risk of loss transfers to the buyer once the seller hands the item over to Deutsche Post/DHL. That means the buyer cannot legally demand a refund from a private seller if it goes missing, provided the seller can prove they shipped it.

UK (eBay UK, often PayPal or eBay-protected sales):

The situation is different because eBay UK transactions are usually covered by eBay Money Back Guarantee or PayPal’s buyer protection.

Even if the buyer chooses an untracked option, the seller is still responsible for the item arriving. If it doesn’t, eBay/PayPal will usually side with the buyer.

This creates a strong incentive for UK sellers to always ship with tracking, because otherwise they risk losing both the item and the money.

So:

In Germany (private sales), responsibility shifts to the buyer if they choose cheap shipping.

In the UK, responsibility usually stays with the seller because of eBay’s platform rules.

OP posts:
Crole · 18/09/2025 21:30

nomas · 18/09/2025 18:28

I would refund her but make sure you break even e.g. subtract the cost of the insurance from the refund.

What is small ads policy? on eBay, if the seller can't provide proof of delivery, they will refund the buyer.

Just discovered there's a difference between the UK and Germany, where we live. If the buyer has the choice between the tracked or untracked and chooses the cheaper one, the risk of loss transfers to the buyer. The seller just need to prove thet sent it, usually with a photo of the envelope or a video of them posting it.

OP posts:
Crole · 18/09/2025 21:33

Barrenfieldoffucks · 18/09/2025 18:24

Agreed. The insurance is for you not her as until it is in her hands it is your responsibility.

Apparently in Germany where we live it's different if the buyer explicitly chooses the uninsured postage, then any loss becomes their risk. Big long explanation down below, I didn't know there was a different between the UK and Germany.

OP posts:
Neodymium · 18/09/2025 21:37

has she told you it’s not arrived ? I had a parcel that the tracking said was lost and got a refund. Then it randomly turned up.

Crole · 18/09/2025 21:44

I've just learnt the legal situation in Germany is different, see the long message from me below. Basically by choosing the insured postage, the risk of loss transferred to her as per the German Civil Code. So had it got lost and she hadn't chosen the insurance, I would be under no obligation to refund, which is apparently different in the UK.

OP posts:
Londonrach1 · 18/09/2025 21:46

Dont understand..item not received you got the money re refund.. poor buyer no money and no item. Of course you refund!

Crole · 18/09/2025 21:47

Neodymium · 18/09/2025 21:37

has she told you it’s not arrived ? I had a parcel that the tracking said was lost and got a refund. Then it randomly turned up.

Yeah, I dropped it off at a parcel locker 9 days ago and since then there were only 2 scans to say it had been picked up from the locker and was on its way. Very unlikely it will turns up now I guess.

OP posts:
FirstdatesFred · 18/09/2025 21:49

Why do you keep repeating about the legal situation in Germany? Still do what you feel is right!
It's wrong and miserly of you to refund beyond your costs, otherwise you have profited for her bad fortune.

Refund less the cost of insurance would be fair and kind.

Your husband sounds mean, German or not.

Crole · 18/09/2025 21:49

Londonrach1 · 18/09/2025 21:46

Dont understand..item not received you got the money re refund.. poor buyer no money and no item. Of course you refund!

Morally yes, I absolutely agree and of course did. But my German partner was coming from a different perspective (see the UK/German difference above).

OP posts:
Crole · 18/09/2025 22:00

FirstdatesFred · 18/09/2025 21:49

Why do you keep repeating about the legal situation in Germany? Still do what you feel is right!
It's wrong and miserly of you to refund beyond your costs, otherwise you have profited for her bad fortune.

Refund less the cost of insurance would be fair and kind.

Your husband sounds mean, German or not.

I of course refunded fully hours ago as I was always going to.

The legal stuff is very relevant as it makes sense where he was coming from now: she explicitly didn't want the insurance so I would be under no obligation to refund. Had I not bought it, I would have not had to refund her anything. This is very different to the UK as I now know.

He's not mean at all, it's a cultural telling off of "well, you shouldn't have been cheap". I see it differently, benefitting from someone's misfortune as you say, but I'm not sure how I would've felt if I hadn't bought the insurance and I had the prospect of being out of pocket for the item and the postage.

OP posts:
FirstdatesFred · 19/09/2025 07:03

Well I'm glad you refunded.
Am surprised it was even a question, for you or for him.

Would've been slightly different of course if you'd been left out of pocket.

Neodymium · 19/09/2025 09:09

Did you deduct the cost of the insurance off the refund ?

Crole · 19/09/2025 13:50

Neodymium · 19/09/2025 09:09

Did you deduct the cost of the insurance off the refund ?

No, I didn't even think of it, just refunded what she'd paid me. It's convinced me to never send again though, no matter how nicely someone asks!

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