I recently put in a claim for CMS to cut all ties with exp. He had previously offered to pay only things related to dc's education and nothing more. I had been told by the DWP years ago that I didn't have to accept that, but at the time I had been on the receiving end of such mental and physical abuse from exp so I was willing to accept anything he offered so as to avoid any further upset.
Years and years later fast forward to now, he has ramped up the abusivrle behaviour again. I have noticed he seems to take pleasure from being asked for money for DC's school shoes/equipment/school travel etc. At times he has attempted to make me feel grabby for asking - by saying he thinks he has paid enough, ie dd's residential trip he paid for but refused to pay for her suitcase and equipment she needed to take with her.
Anyway I am far removed from the nonsense he likes to create and his latest outburst has highlighted just how far I have come in terms of just self growth alone, since leaving him all those years ago. It seems, he hasn't changed his ways and was just good at hiding them. He has started to take things out on my dd. This has crossed a line with me. I will not tolerate it.
IAt the beginning of the summer hols I made a claim to CMS just to cut ties with him altogether. Daughter then doesn't have to ask him for anything and he has no reason to create rows. What's interesting though is that ds doesn't see any of this - because it's not directed at him, only dd. Exp buys him whatever he wants and always offers him opportunities to "earn" pocket money (we're talking £50-£100 a time), whilst DD is left without - no earning opportunity, but she has said nothing.
He is self employed and had recently been blosting how much he was earning whilst still being nasty towards DD. He has been very abusive towards her and her friendships (something he used to do to isolate me). She snapped and told him he was out of order. I decided for her sake (and mine secretly), that a CMS claim would give him one less thing to control and abuse.
CMS have come back and said dc's are entitled to zero. Apparently he is relying on universal credit and has swindled his earnings to make it look like he is earning the bare minimum. I was fully expecting him to hide his earnings, and it hasn't surprised me he has done this.
I am financially in a position to cover anything my children need and want, so not relying on him to cover educational bits is no problem for me. At the end of the summer hols I would have usually asked him for money to pay for DC's school travel passes along with some uniform and stationary bits. I have covered these now myself.
The day after I was informed by CMS of the zero entitlement, exp contacted DC's individually and told them to each pass on a message to me : "this is the last time and I mean it, I am offering mum one last chance to accept my offer of going back to the former agreement". I listened to my DC's telling me this and I didn't respond whether I would accept or not (I was in shock if truth be told at the sheer audacity of exp).
DD asked dad directly whether he would pay mum the bus pass money, and he told her no and said, I quote "this is what happens when mum messes with fire - she gets burned!". I couldn't believe it when she told me that. He said he would only pay anything they needed from this point forward and will not reimburse anything I had already covered. He also requested that I cancel the CMS claim and only then he would think about paying their costs, yet unsurprisingly he has purchased equipment for ds he needs for college whilst dangling this CMS claim over daughters head as leverage.
However, he is still harassing dd about it and has ramped up the abuse. He is threatening to kill himself over it. He has told her that hers and my actions have caused his mental health to decline rapidly.
I had previously blocked him, since the beginning of the summer hols. However, due to the abuse towards DD I have had to resume contact and tell him to back off! I have asked him why he is so upset over it all when CMS aren't even taking a penny from him. He won't say, but I think he doesn't want the trouble of having to continuously hide his earnings from the government. That's not my problem. That's his.
I had told him last night that if he carries on with his coercive behaviour towards DD then I will get the police and ss involved and they will look closely at his mental health to decide whether he is actually fit to be around my DC's. When son came home last night, after his suicidal threats, he had no idea of anything being untoward. I casually asked him if he has spoken to dad today, he said yes. I asked how he seemed. Son said he was absolutely fine and asked me why. I knew he was just ramping up for my daughter and playing a callous act. Do this is why I added in my message that the police and ss will look into his mental health, so as to call him out on his bullshit
After my message was sent, he started taking it out on DD and messaging her about it! He was asking her what he should do, he feels so mentally unstable and it's all mums fault.
I cannot believe he did this and I am at my wits end. I haven't messaged him since. I've said what I needed to and I absolutely mean what I said. I don't do 'he said/she said"
' nonsense, nor do I take part in any kind of tit for tat.
Daughter is becoming very confused and worn down by it all and has asked me to cancel the CMS claim as she wants all this to stop. She says she doesn't know whether to be on dad's side or mine and is confused as he keeps saying stuff about me. I have calmly explained to her there are no sides to take. I explained that people can easily say things but their actions will always reveal the truth. I told her she can make up her own mind about dad and I will never judge her or love her any less. I have advised her that she would benefit from some counselling sessions away from me and dad, so that she can let off some steam and get unbiased advice.
I have explained that her dad seems to be going through some kind of mental decline and that he shouldn't be taking it out on her.
I was very careful not to give her too much advice as she was in information overload. But at the same time I didn't want her to be left with all those negative thoughts whirling around her mind festering. She was upset that I had messaged dad and had gotten involved. She demanded to read my message, so I showed her. None of it was nasty. No name calling or insulting text, just facts.
She looked at ease after reading it and actually told me she thought it was a good message (teenagers?!).
As I said I've blocked him again. I told her it would be better if she gives him some space and avoid him for the time being so he can calm down and work out what's going on his head. She also needs to decompress.
She said she was worried he was going to use her giving him space against her for when she does eventually go and see him.
I advised her to put his messages into the archive folder, so that she can look at them along with any new messages when she is in a better place, if she so chooses to.
I don't know what to do now. I don't want to close down the claim. I shouldn't have to. He is making out that I am being unfair and causing issues. I'm literally doing the right thing by cutting him off from me, and removing his "power".
I did say to him in my message that when he asked the kids to tell me about his "last offer", they also told me he wanted me to set up a bank account for DD (son already has one), so that he can pay money into that for educational bits, rather than paying me directly. I have since, set this account up for DD and when telling him about it in my message, he relied saying he would prefer to set up his own account and pay money into that instead. I know exactly why he has said that. It's to avoid paying my daughter anything at all and still keep control of anything he intends to put aside for her and use that as leverage in fiture. It's all controlling bollox.
I'm taking her out on the weekend to buy her the bits she needs. I've advised her not to ask him for another thing.