Ex doesn't want to engage in court proceedings

[RealCyanCrab]

Hi everyone, I am looking for some advice/ support. I left an abusive relationship last year and ended up in a refuge. Since leaving the refuge, I have taken my DD to see her Dad regularly. Doing the travelling every month, making video calls weekly and calls. But still this hasn't been enough and in between visits he has sent me abusive messages, voice notes and emails. Id had enough of this and decided to go down the legal route and put things in place and make it all official, so that we both know where we stand. My solicitor sent him a formal letter explaining I had applied for a child arrangements order and that he was not to contact me directly and to use the court as the correct forum for child arrangements. This was yesterday. Today, she has recieved an email from my ex asking her never to contact him again and to fuck off! This is to the solicitor. That he not be engaging in court and that it is because of me, he will now not see our DD. I honestly thought going down the legal route would help things, but it seems my DD will no longer see her Dad. I feel so so sad for my DD. All I wanted was for the abuse towards me to stop. The solicitor believes he has pulled away because he knows his behavour will all come to light in court. Tell me, have I messed it up for DD? Thank you

I wouldn't want my child spending time with someone abusive so not sure why you're upset!

I'd ONLY contact in a contact centre.

Put your child first .

My ex did this by email to the JUDGE with my solicitor and Cafcass and I all cc’d in.
Stupidly when everyone said my daughter shouldn’t see her dad, I said he could have daytime contact one day a week as it was so little I felt it couldn’t do any harm.
That was a huge mistake. He manipulates her and plays stupid games with her mental health. It has had long term effects for her.
If your child’s father is acting like this and willing to walk away- let him.

What a great result.

It means he can’t manipulate and abuse your child in the future.

He's done you a favour. Court or nothing, if he chooses nothing so be it.

Well that's lucky!
You've got him out of your life with minimal effort.

The reason I feel sad is because she is 3 and loves him. I dont know how I will explain to her where he has gone or explain later on what happened. I dont want her to hurt or feel rejected.

If the kids dad doesnt want to be a dad

She doesnt have a dad

No point in trying to force him. You're her mum and you're who she has and that is enough ❤️

That makes sense OP but you need to think longer term.

Thank you to all who have responded. You've lifted me alittle and given me some strength. ❤️

Trying to explain to my daughter that loves her father was the reason I let him see her too.
I promise, her mental health will suffer if he is still in her life.

I am so sorry he did this to you and your daughter. Its hard, we think we are doing the best we can for our children and somehow things become worse. I hope you and your daughter are ok xx

Sadly it is all too common for abusive men to continue to abuse their former partners by weaponising any children of the relationship. This is well-documented.

The only reason he wanted contact was so that he could get to you.

At 3 years old, I would recommend you use simple distraction techniques with your little one. Keep her feeling safe and secure. Cuddle on the sofa while watching favourite films, Disney and such.

If she asks when she's seeing her dad, it's okay to say you're not sure. Keep it simple.

"Tell me, have I messed it up for DD?"

Absolutely not OP. Your ex has messed this up for DD. Not you. The blame, and decision not to see DD, lies with him alone.

Keep copies of everything. Texts, emails etc. One day, he might try to come back into her life and spin her lies about you, and you will be told to hold your head high and be the bigger person, but no man who would abandon his child like this will EVER be any good for her, and she might need the facts one day. Get your evidence, bide your time, until she is old enough to start asking questions and be met with honesty.

This op. He put no effort in. You were travelling so he could have contact, which makes sense as you dont want him knowing where you live, so it hid how uninterested he was. His contact with your dd was to ounish you for leaving him. Now you are mot engaging he isnt interested. Fill your daughter’s life with joy.

Omg he has literally done your daughter the biggest favour of her life.

Dont let her grow up thinking this is normal in a relationship. If you had carried on as you were, it would’ve taught her that you have to accept being treated like shit by a man. Which is pretty disastrous. I wonder why you think it’s ok?? It’s not and both of you are one million times and more better off without this useless abusive person in your lives.
Celebrate this freedom and show your daughter you won’t tolerate his abuse any longer!! Do something nice the two of you to celebrate a new chapter. As your dd grows up you will be so thankful he is gone from her life. Put her and you first, forever. Lots of luck to you xxxx

He’s done you a huge favour. Take it and run.

This is a complete blessing.

You may not see it now, but in just a few weeks when you haven’t had to engage with him, see him or spend time taking your DD to and from visiting him, you will have more time, more headspace and a happier life.

She is three, and I'm sure she loves him, but she will adapt easily as long as she has a loving and safe environment to grow in. His response to the lawyer has made it clear what/who he prioritizes. He's obviously not going to fight for time with his child. Do you really want to force a relationship which is only going to make her feel bad about herself over time?

Single parenting is far preferable (even for your child) than being part of an abusive co-parenting situation. Count your lucky stars he is out of the picture and move on.

Have you actually applied to court? Did your solicitor advise you to do this? To prevent him from abusing you? You don't need a child arrangements order for that, you need a non molestation order. A CAO won't stop him from harassing you. You should have just stopped contact and let him apply to court if he wanted to - you have created problems for yourself by applying to court. It doesn't sound like your dispute was about child arrangements, rather about him abusing you. The court is not the method for him to contact you - your solicitor should have advised you to download a parenting communication app like appclose and use that.

Hi, yes I also have applied for a non mol. The hearing is next week. I did download the app and he continued through that to abuse me.

He's already rejected her by treating her mother so badly.

This is brilliant news. Take him at his word, keep a record of EVERYTHING and live a happy life without him.

If you think it's difficult to explain to a 3 year old why she doesn't see her dad, try telling a 15 year old why you allowed an abusive man to drip, drip, drip in her ear for years and years. Men who abuse women continue to abuse women. You dd is a little girl at the moment, but she'll be a woman soon enough and then it'll be her turn.

This. Why on earth do you want your child to spend time with a man like this. Enjoy the peace. When she's older she can make contact. He will tell her that not seeing her was your fault. You can show her the paperwork you have kept from this period of your lives. Don't engage with him for a while and see what he does.

These abusive men are so arrogant - its actually brilliant news that he continues to abuse you through the app - it can be used as evidence in court!