House Party

[deedeedoodle]

Recently, while I was away, my partner organised a house party at our home for his 16 yr old daughter to celebrate her passing her exams etc.
There were over 40 underage guests, alcohol, mixers etc were supplied by him and they were left unsupervised for the evening. Some private areas of the house, including bedrooms, were used despite him saying he told her upstairs was off limits. I even found white powder in my bedroom afterwards.
I feel completely violated as our home has been invaded and damage done. Worktops, dining table, light fixtures and pull cords damaged. Floors, furniture and walls are sticky and it feels like we’re sat in Wetherspoons!
Had something serious happened, the consequences could have been devastating for everyone.
Neighbours have confirmed there were “a lot” of teenagers here and they were most certainly all consuming alcohol.
I was told his daughter may be having a few friends around and my partner would ensure he would be there should this happen. I hadn’t even agreed to this due to me having a difficult relationship with his daughter over the last three years. I had made it clear that no friends, no alcohol and no to her using our home as a party venue which it has been over the last few years but on a much smaller scale.
I barely get a hello or goodbye when she comes to stay. I’ve made him aware of the lack of basic respect and bad manners but it’s difficult to get this point across when you have a partner parenting out of fear of losing their child and as a result will never say no. So her bad manners continue and she continues not to acknowledge me.
So this was all arranged behind my back while I was on holiday with me finding out over the next day or so after I got back. Again not from him but from finding alcohol bottles that had been hidden, querying the damage and stickiness and the nail in the coffin was finding the shopping receipt!
Naturally I am livid and disappointed with them both as they could have got a venue and saved us all this stress. This has impacted and upset so many people in the family.
I doubt if this is something I could ever forgive.
Is this considered behaviour normal or am I being unreasonable?

There's so much to unpick here. Fundamentally though, his daughter is not at fault. She had the ok for the party, and she can't police it once it starts. Your partner though kept it secret from you and enabled the whole thing. You're clearly not a team.

It was certainly pretty normal for 16 year olds to have house parties with alcohol and a bit of a mess when I was a teen. And still seems to be the norm now.
I’m unsure how I’d feel about not knowing it was happening in my home, that might feel like a bit of a betrayal. And I’d want the chance to put valuables etc away first. And clarify the no-go zone.
But I wouldn’t stop my 16yo having a party with friends at mine. Some alcohol wouldn’t bother me either. However I think it should be somewhat supervised at that age, with a parent at home (upstairs). So it sounds like your partners failure rather than anyone elses.

It's fairly typical for a teenager to have a party where they "party" I was doing that decades ago. It's not your step daughter you should be angry at. It's her dad , your partner. He went behind your back

This has impacted and upset so many people in the family.

How has it impacted anyone other than you?

my daughter also lives here and was away on holiday with me, I’ve also had to contact my partners ex wife and explain the situation as I don’t believe my partner should be caring for his daughter while she goes away on holiday for a fortnight so naturally she and her partner are also not happy
I agree it’s all on my partner and shocking behaviour from an adult

I feel completely violated as our home has been invaded and damage done.

It's his house, and his daughter's house too!
You are being completely ridiculous.

YANBU to be pissed off about the damage, but it's not "not normal" for a party to happen.

A man shouldn’t be looking after his own daughter? What madness is that! 🙄 bet you’ve made yourself popular going to the ex wife.

I would be furious at your partner.

It showed a total lack of respect for you to allow this to happen in your home without you being consulted as to the nature of the party.

I would be very unhappy about the under age drinking. Some of the pp seem to think it's no.big deal but I certainly wouldn't be happy about providing alcohol for children - I wonder if their parents knew he was allowing their children to drink illegally in your home?

I would be very upset about the damage.

He sounds extremely irresponsible.

What is 'normal' varies widely. I never had a wild party in my teens, but I'm sure some of my peers did. Personally, I wouldn't want a party like that, then or now, but apparently your partner is of the type who thinks it's acceptable.

I would be furious with a partner who was so immature that he'd lie about the party and let things get so out of hand. He made that choice and allowed that to happen, and of course his 16-year-old daughter went along with it. Why wouldn't she?

The bigger problem is that your partner lies to you and doesn't care that your home was trashed. That, paired with his daughter's on-going poor behaviour towards you, might be reason enough to reconsider this relationship. I wouldn't respect him after this.

Well, I'd be very unhappy with your partner if I were you - presumably he didn't ask you beforehand because he knew you wouldn't be happy about it. He was irresponsible to leave 15/16 year old unsupervised and he's very lucky that nothing awful happened.

Were you never a teenager, OP? If your parents had gone away for a few days and told you that you could have friends over while they were gone, what would it have looked like? You are extremely naive if you think a group of 16-year-olds who are celebrating their exam results are going to sit and crochet all evening.

Your boyfriend allowed it. You knew about it in advance. You can’t blame the girl for what happened. That was in your hands before you left. Should have communicated better with your boyfriend beforehand.

While I don't think the party should have happened, and you're right to be pissed off at the deceit, this is insane. Your other daughter was away on holidays, she wasn't affected at all. And as for a father shouldn't look after his daughter, that's nonsense. He should be the first port of call!

I am a single mum with a teenage daughter and had my ex husband allowed and arranged such without supervision I would want to know so in my opinion her mum has a right to know his parenting style as she absolutely wasn’t aware
What she chooses to do as a result is up to her
if she wants to leave her daughter in his care or with another more responsible adult while she is away is her choice to make
I won’t be held responsible as he often leaves her in my care but I’m not allowed to say anything that may upset her
i believe I did the right thing under the circumstances

It’s a joint home and joint discussions should take place and agreement made
i I wouldn’t do the same behind his back I have a teenage daughter too who actually respects our home and the people who live here

I get why you are upset about him not telling you, but the both of you are not working as a team.
He keeps the party as a secret (your reaction i can understand why) and you telling his exwife.
Personally, a 16 year old having a party would not bother me but my partner not backing me up and questioning my parenting skills to my ex, I would not forgive.
You sound as if you hate his daughter, he should break up with you.

Why are you even with him? How did things get to the point of you two living together, especially with kids in the mix? Is this kind of behavior new?

From what you’ve shared, it doesn’t sound like you two are functioning as a team. I see how this has impacted you, your family, and the overall dynamics. I think you were absolutely right to let his ex-wife know what’s going on.

If it were me, I’d be furious—lying, sneaking illegal alcohol to underage kids without parental consent, damaging property, making you feel violated, and causing noise and disruption that likely upset the neighbors—that’s not small stuff.

You shouldn’t have to put up with being ignored, disrespected, or having your voice dismissed. Honestly, I think the healthiest choice is to leave him for good.

Learn to treat yourself better, also.

I’ve coming to breaking up with him many a time. Hating any child is not something that would ever cross my mind and never has done. I know teenagers are difficult and have one myself but personalities are very different. Some children don’t want to see their father with anyone other than their mother. I know I’ve tried and that’s what matters.
theres a lot more in the picture which would be oversharing - things are never that simple as I’m sure you can appreciate