Husband is an alcoholic - help

[Flowerpowersss]

17 years together, childhood sweethearts but hes a couple years older. We have kids .

I recently realised more of less EVERY argument and bad thing has happened through out our marriage was because he had been secretly drinking but hyper aware me knows this man inside and out I knew when he had just 1 ! .

Anyway , hes currently not living in the house because I couldnt take the lies anymore and I was turning into a hateful person because I tried helping MANY times.
He told me his feelings changed for me because im horrible but ive been a good loving wife ( I actually think hes been going through a midlife crisis ) .
He told me this 1 week after he told me how much he loves me .... BTW this was said 10.mins after I caught him drinking from a bottle of rum in the middle of the day .

It hurts my soul so much because of how much ive put into this relationship and what I've done for him and the love I have for him .

Our eldest even said when im not there he is always going to he car and then his behaviour changes and shes said hes not their dad anymore ( personality)

Obviously I have to stop being selfish and think of our children no matter how much i love him and miss him , they come first.

But since leaving hes barely spoken to me and when he does speak to me hes cold , this is in the evenings .
I can tell hes been drinking by his tone of voice

The thing is I dont want to stop him seeing the kids but unless he can prove hes sober I cant trust him .

Why cant the government ban alcohol, its honeslty the devil .

Im in turmoil

Contact Al Anon for support for you and your children. He needs to leave the family home and get treatment. Is he in denial?

How old are your children and how long have you been enabling your DH by not putting clear boundaries in place in order to safeguard your children against his alcoholism (I'm a recovering alcoholic, so have some insight!).

I noticed during covid , he was physically violent to me for the first time and thats when I knew he had a problem and i had to do something so he went to therapy but that didnt stick as he said he felt better .
( i believe he has cpstd from a bad childhood and hes previous relationship he was abused by her mentally and physically)

he told me that some nights he cant remember the evenings but those evenings he is normal and not visibly intoxicated. Ive been worried for years .
But this year its gotten worse .

When I had control of his money for 2 months as I needed to help him stop spending money on vapes , we didnt have one argument ! .

He is a good kind man and a loving father and would do anything for me but its got a grip of him and Ive got no one to help me

I noticed during covid , he was physically violent to me for the first time and thats when I knew he had a problem and i had to do something so he went to therapy but that didnt stick as he said he felt better .
( i believe he has cpstd from a bad childhood and hes previous relationship he was abused by her mentally and physically)

he told me that some nights he cant remember the evenings but those evenings he is normal and not visibly intoxicated. Ive been worried for years .
But this year its gotten worse .

When I had control of his money for 2 months as I needed to help him stop spending money on vapes , we didnt have one argument ! .

He is a good kind man and a loving father and would do anything for me but its got a grip of him and Ive got no one to help me

I would contact Al-Anon for some support for you and the children. You cannot help him until he is willing to accept that his drinking is the problem and that he needs to stop.

I think some tough love is in order - you do not need to answer the phone to him or have a conversation with him when he's drinking. You can tell him he can come to the house to see the children if he has not been drinking - I wouldn't trust him to drive your children anywhere.

How old are your children? When my dad was drinking heavily after the death of my sister, it took me and my other sister telling him we wanted him to leave if he didn't stop drinking, to make him stop. Your children, if they are old enough, should be allowed to tell him that his drinking makes them upset and feel unsafe and they don't like him when he's been drinking.

My kids are 11yrs and they told me last night they hear me crying all the time and it makes them sad and they say to each other what can we do to cheer me up ,
That broke my heart .

Im autistic , so its even harder for me to understand why hes being so cold towards me as I wouldnt do it to him .
He was supposed to come over and see the children yesterday , he didnt tell me his work didnt need him to cover the overtime so he was free .

He said do you think I would come over every day ? . Wtf !?!? . Why wouldnt you want to see your kids .

For someone whos so devoted to his children this is alarming to me .

I guess they are old enough to tell him how he makes them feel.

He witnessed alcoholism in his own father and it baffles me why he'd go down the same path .

I don’t think you choose to become an alcoholic, more you descend into it. Your body and mind crave the alcohol, and you need it just to function. You can choose not to be, but it’s hard, and many can recover, many can’t. It’s a life long thing, drinking or not, you are always an alcoholic once you become one.

im also not sure why you wish him to come over every day, you need to cut the cord, have set times each week, wanting him to come over seems more for you than the kids, it must be confusing for them.

wirh an alcoholic father, and them hearing you cry, the confusion of their father coming and going, you both need to now take control for your kids sake, this is really damaging for them, they should not be so privy to both your issues, set some ground rules, times when they will see their father a couple of days a week, and only if he is sober. And you need to cry silently. If they can hear you you’re doing it loudly, and must know they can hear you, that’s traumatising for them,

you both now need to put your kids first.

I guess your right .
Thank you

My mother was an alcoholic and could get suddenly very aggressive if she’d been drinking. I pointed out to her she was drunk once when I was 10 and she replied very coldly and without eye contact

”I don’t like what you said”

Op, he isn’t a loving father and he would not do ANYTHING for you at all. And in speaking as somebody who has struggled with addiction myself.

You need to put your children first. it’s not your children’s responsibility to cheer you up, no matter hope sad you are feeling. You need to make a vivid and conscious choice to step away from your alcoholic DH and carve out your own life with your children as your priority. You are saying he witnessed his own DDs struggles and still ended up like his DD, and now your kids are witnessing it first hand all as you crying constantly. That is completely unfair on them , they didn’t choose this.

file for divorce. protect your children and move on with your life.

Thats awful 😟

If this was meant for my post OP then thank you I really appreciate it. ❤️ I was an only child so had no ally in the situation - and I thought having a drunken parent was normal

I agree with contacting Alanon. The kindest thing you can do is look after yourself and the children and allow him to hit rock bottom. He might seek help with AA then. I'm 10 years sober and wouldn't have gotten sober if I had someone enabling me.

At 11, they should not have to shoulder the responsibility of telling their father how they feel.
It is a HELL of a burden for children growing up with an alcoholic parent. I say this as a recovering alcoholic who has burdened and traumatised my own children AND as the child of an alcoholic in a single parent household.
I'm also Autistic, so I understand some of what may be your challenges, however it is now time to step up, put boundaries in place around when and where your children can have contact with their father (every day seems unrealistic when he is struggling with alcoholism and is not currently in the family home).
I don't think any alcoholic chooses that life: it's more like a descent into alcoholism. However, recovery is a choice and it is his choice. Your part is to safeguard your children and, also importantly, yourself.

Thank you all for your advice and sorry to hear your experience with alcohol, it really is the devil.
im struggling so much and im so lonely, I guess im grieving 😕
Struggling to concentrate at work , but that helps my brain as im constantly around people ,
doing housework until 10pm to keep occupied, struggling to get to sleep , Doom scrolling (id rather read a book, any good recommendations?)

The second there isnt any noise im welling up .