To think you can only stand up to a bully if you have leverage?

[MyAmusedOpalCrab]

People always say stand up to bullies but in reality, that only works if you have some kind of power - whether it’s social status, authority or something they want. Otherwise, isn’t it just inviting more trouble?

Disagree. If you had those things then they would not be bullying you in the first place, as bullys are usually cowards.

Totally agree

I had very controlling parents and am an only child. My mother had a history of being an abusive drunk and my father of condoning this abuse and often both using me as a scapegoat. My mum when I was 17 in a drunken, narcissistic rage threw me out of the house knowing full well I had nowhere to go.

7 years later by now I’m 24, have quite a bit more confidence and a long term boyfriend. My father decides one day to get very aggressive hurling nasty insults and trying to intervene in me and my boyfriend buying a house because he doesn’t like my boyfriend because of what in his opinion what his low social status. After years of bullying and coercive control I was finally able to stand up to my parents and rather than roll over to placate them I hit the roof!!!
My Dad and mum who was less vocal but still on his side eventually backed down - likely because they knew if they didn’t back down I could now go off with my boyfriend whereas aged 17 they knew full well I had no one.

in this case having a a boyfriend along with the support of his extended family was my ‘leverage’

Ive actually been thinking of this very issue lately OP - I wish I’d stood up to my parents much earlier in life but by the age of 24 I was feeling much more secure in myself - I had a security I didn’t feel even at 21/22 - at 21/22 I was still rolling over to placate them!

I agree, quite often bullies pick on those in “out groups” and those with few others in their corner.

Despite my other post on this thread I kinda agree with this as well - but sometimes the ‘leverage’ is hidden

The school I went to was a comprehensive (read compost heap - or mine was, anyway). Like virtually ALL comprehensive it did have a bit of a mix of classes but mine was very predominantly a school full of middle class kids with well educated parents (so far so ‘naice’)

Despite being a very predominantly educated, upper middle class comp (ost heap) it had a sizable group of working class kids from rough areas some with rough personalities - a few not.

Anyway one of the ‘hard’ working class had a go at me cuz I admittedly did something stupid - I was stupidly aggressive to another girl who didn’t deserve it. The ‘hard’ girl intervened - possibly quite rightly looking back - and I just punched the ‘hard’ girl who intervened square in the face and went a bit psycho. She looked scared , humiliated and started crying. Things is I was a daughter of professional, middle class,Oxbridge educated parents but was sadly abused emotionally and physically by my drunken mother very often since being in nursery school. I was an only child so had no ally in this miserable situation . Although I seemed naice and middle class on the face of it I had this rage inside me due to my upbringing which people wouldn’t foresee.

i bitterly regret my behaviour here and don’t condone it cuz I lashed out in a situation that in a way wasn’t serious and was of my own making. I totally agree that sometimes kids lashing out in the face of serious bullying can be beneficial, but this wasn’t that situation, This ‘hard’ girl never troubled me again after that and me and her for the rest of our schooldays actually got along well on a superficial level

I’ve been working on myself since this incident and have not lashed out like this since 1993 - whenever I’m in a dark mood I tell myself there’s no need to lash out at people - I’m not like my mother !!

I also had relatives who thought I was a soft touch and tried to screw me over relatively recently. Because I lived around 30 miles away from them I was able to tell them to f*ck off and told them to contact me again. If I’d lived in the same town and had no job etc I might have felt more vulnerable - this happened in my Dad’s house so if I had no job and lived with my Dad I’d have felt more vulnerable - my Dad is useless at standing up to people. So I do get you OP

this happened in the last 10 years and I’ve not heard from them for 4 years

I was also thinking of an instance in school when I told a ‘hard’ girl in school to fuck off - she was a year younger than me but she was perceived as popular and strong and me unpopular and weak. After staying this i wandered off with my ‘friends’ but mine were a weak group of friends - and very unpopular - none were my genuine friends. She of course corralled a large group of the popular hard kids and cornered me on the school grounds - it was very scary.looking back. Thinking about this incident I feel that she was using her superior social leverage against me - the fact she was more popular and more ‘invincible’ than I was. Even a few of the girls who didn’t particularly like me but were standing being me and were perceived as stronger and more popular called her a bitch. She really handed my arse to me on a plate. I was lowly in the social pecking order looking back so couldn’t get away with telling one of the ‘stronger’ girls to fuck off.