To feel the way I do about the relationship with my Mum

[clickyteeclick]

I love my Mum. She’s funny, caring and generous. But we don’t have the best relationship and I feel constant guilt and feel like a bad daughter.
She is not interested in my life, or that of my children’s. I just don’t think I she has it in her to be genuinely interested and it is all about her. For example I’ve just spent time with her and I’ll say “the kids are doing well at school” or “My work is going well at the moment” and I’ll just get back “that’s good”. No other questions. I’ll try to start a conversation and she’ll just look at me blankly or give a me word reply or I then have to listen to her talk about people I don’t know. She’s getting older now and not in the best of health but it has always been this way.
I find it difficult to enjoy spending time with her but feel constant guilt about it. Am I a bad person/daughter??

Look into Mel Robbins theory "Let them", its not about letting people walk over uou, but letting you understand what you can control, and how you accept they are who they are BUT how you react to their actions, you know what to expect, so it doesn't upset you as much, as for guilt, stop that, its doing not one jot of good, making you feel bad, worse etc. It serves no purpose unless it drives change of behaviour.

You’re not a bad person, it’s totally natural to feel that way in your situation. Most people feel guilt about their parents I think- that you don’t call them enough/don’t visit enough/sent their birthday card a day late etc. it’s human nature. I feel constantly guilty that I’m not a good enough daughter to my dad, who is similar to your mum. He’s done so much for me over the years- helping me out with money, doing up my house for me. I know he loves me but he shows zero interest in my life. He doesn’t even talk about people I don’t know (I wish he would just to fill the silence!) I have to make all the conversation and it’s exhausting getting one word answers back, then he moans that I don’t visit enough and I feel like screaming “why would I want to spend an afternoon in your house in awkward silence with you making zero effort?!” I also realise though that a lot of resentment I feel towards him is from how he behaved when I was a child, he was manipulative, emotionally and occasionally physically abusive. And I know he doesn’t think he was and doesn’t feel guilty about it in the slightest. Have you got resentment from how your mum was during your childhood do you think?

Thank you so much. I’ve listened to the podcast but I think I need to put it into practice. But deep in my core I can’t do that… I always worry too much about what people think of me. Deep down I know I’m a good daughter but just can’t shake this guilt!

Apart from the physical and emotional
abuse bit I could have written this!
She gives me money a lot which I always refuse but she insists, I think it’s her way of showing care. But I would have much rather time spent with each other where she’s interested in me, a walk in the park where she just listens or a cinema trip together etc.
And yes I do harbour resentment. I had quite a lovely childhood bur she had a very bad upbringing so I think that she’s just done the best with what she knew. But as a daughter and now also her grandchildren it’s just continually disappointing and makes me feel terrible. Especially as my sibling is very similar to her. I feel very alone with it all. But I get nothing from my time with her - exactly as your dad is. How do you deal with it??

Why do you feel guilty? If you're making an effort with her and she shows no interest in your life that's her problem, not yours. I don't have the best relationship with my mother either, but that's because she's self absorbed, unempathetic and sometimes downright rude. I certainly don't feel any guilt about our relationship, a bit sad maybe, but definitely not guilt.

You need to look for affirmation elsewhere . Your mum is unable to give the emotional support you need from her. The only person you can change is yourself.

I could have written some of this too. For this, and lots of other reasons I won’t go into, I’m not in touch with my mum at the minute. I feel guilt about it but I felt guilt constantly when we were in touch so that’s not changed much. Others here have given good advice, I just wanted you to know you’re not on your own.

So where does the caring generosity feature if this is how she relates to you?

Sorry I don’t fully understand the question? Do you mean how is she caring and generous? She’s generous financially and if I ever am sick or have a doctors appointment she always offers to come with me.

God only knows why I feel that way?! 🫣 She didn’t have the best upbringing so I feel bad maybe because this is onto how she knows not to parent. And she’s still a nice person but just doesn’t connect or have interest in me and never has

@clickyteeclick So you had "quite a lovely childhood" and if you're ever sick or have a drs appointment she offers to come with you. She's also very generous financially? You say she had a bad upbringing - I assume you mean difficult - and that has reflected in her own parenting. To be honest OP, she's getting older and in ill health and she doesn't sound all bad. I think you just need to deal with the cards you've been dealt and look at the positives.

Oh bloody typo that should have said lonely childhood not lovely! It wasn’t lovely!!

Thank you so much. Sometimes the hardest bit is that guilt, if we have less shits it would be easier. Hope you’re ok x

Correct. You’re so right.

Don’t know how to edit but that should have said lonely childhood not lovely

Not sure what the issue is tbh. You’re family, not friends

i spend a lot of time with my mum generally not talking, mainly eating 😆

What do you mean you’re family not friends? Are we not supposed to get on with our family?

Family are people you are related to, and hopefully get along with. Whatever generation you are. Friends are people you really want to spend time with.👍

Yes. Good point. I always compare myself to friend who ate like besties with my mum as most of my friends have really good relationships with their Mum. Or so I think!

So play it forward, would you be like this with your kids, as she has been with you? I certainly haven't been like this with my son. I'm open and honest with him about how my mother is and i'm desperate to break generational narcissism/trauma/self centredness whatever you want to call it really. Bottom line is that I would never want to feel as unsupported as I was, at the same age my son is now. So I make sure to keep him as happy and supported as I can. to me that's a win

Have you discussed it with your mother? Perhaps she doesn't like to be thought of interfering.

I need time to think about this vote. For some reason my judgement ability - or not - is off today, because I find it so difficult to vote on several of the threads.

I think it does depend on how bad her upbringing was - eg. If she was severely neglected and abused and was never taught what it meant to be loved then that may explain why she is the way she is and she’s unlikely to ever change no matter what you do. However if she just had a bit of a rubbish childhood and was still shown love and affection then I don’t think that’s an excuse for not making any effort. It’s hard to know if she’s unable to make effort/show interest or she just can’t be arsed. Was she always like this? Also during your childhood? If so then she likely can’t help it, if she’s changed then she likely can help it. I don’t buy the “but I had a rubbish childhood so I didn’t know how to parent properly” line. UNLESS it was really severe, it which case I think those people have a point. I was shown love and affection from both my parents but as an older child I was neglected and never got any emotional support. I was also manipulated into believing everything was my fault (which is probably where the guilt complex comes from), occasionally physically abused by my dad and abandoned by my mum. However it’s made me so hyper-aware of not being like that to my own kids that i overcompensate with love, affection and emotional availability because I’m terrified of being like them. It did have an effect on my mental health but not my ability to parent, if anything it’s taught me not to take my child and my role as their parent for granted. In answer to how I cope with feeling like this about it dad, I just get on with it and accept the situation for what it is because I know there’s no chance he’s going to change. Sorry I don’t have any better advice! I try and make sure I spend time with him with the rest of the family or at least with him and his wife, takes the pressure off me to maintain the conversation at least