Sometimes I just want a mum *TW termination*

[AloneInTheWorld1]

My mum has liver disease and nearly died. I gave up my job to make sure I could go and see her in hospital as much as possible 3 hours away.

They've kept it open for me so I start back next month. I'd only just started the training and they really want to keep me.

I had a termination six weeks ago, just had my first period since and have been in agonising pain, last night it was so bad I passed large 'stuff' and panicked and was almost sent an ambulance because of how faint I was.

Womens health have reassured me today that it's nothing to worry about just now and I am feeling a bit better but very drained and depleted.

I can't go and see my mum as promised tomorrow, she lives very far away and I don't feel well enough.

Any traumatic situation I experience is met with huffs and puffs and treated like an inconvenience for her. She just sighs at me.

I always had to look after her needs even as a child and I don't recall a time where my emotional needs were ever attended to.

I'm pretty sure I'm not being unreasonable but I just need a bit of support in not feeling like the worst daughter ever.

It sounds as though you have been a wonderful daughter to your Mum.
I'm just so sorry you haven't got a caring Mum there with you to help and support you through the difficult time you are going through with your own life and health.
Sending you good wishes.

You’re right, you’re not unreasonable OP. Unfortunately it doesn’t sound like your mum is going to ever change. Have you told her how you feel about her behaviour?

You pushed back starting a new job for her, and you have a lot going on yourself. It doesn’t sound like she has any empathy for you and it’s all about her. I’m sorry to hear she has been poorly.

If your mum is now stable I would start to focus on yourself and not visit as much whilst you get your head and body around your termination and new job.

I had a medical termination due to a missed miscarriage where my babies didn’t pass, I ended up in a lot of pain and passing a lot of tissue and ended up in hospital having a haemorrhage. Please take care of yourself and if you feel like you need to, go to hospital.

I'm so sorry, OP. That sounds very hard.

This book is always highly recommended and I must read it myself:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703

Oh god love you, you poor thing. Sometimes all you want is someone to give you a hug and tell you everything's going to be OK and baby you a bit and clearly your mum isn't able to do that, whether because of her illness or because she's a limited person. You deserve more, and I'm so sorry you're going through this without support.

And I didn't actually answer the question - you're not being unreasonable. She is. You do not have ANY reason to feel guilty.

Agreed!

I know she'll never change. But I wish it would stop hurting as much. Why do I keep expecting something different. She's just not capable and it's not her fault, she had a horrible childhood. But still. I can't imagine the pain of her dying knowing I tried and tried and we never got to have a proper mother daughter relationship.

Because every child wants that relationship, it’s an innate need. When we don’t get it we tend to try and try, until we start to grieve for the mother-daughter bond and experiences that we never had. That grieving can start well before the person dies.

What you are feeling is all totally normal given what you have missed out on. Try to shift your focus to your own wellbeing and your job as much as you can. That’s the way forward.