School trip 2 nights

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My DD is in year 5 at school, they have a school trip coming up, 2 nights away. I have no issues with this, however my DD is awaiting an ASD/ADHD assessment. She gas a lot of anxiety over trips in general and gas never spent a night away from us before. (We have tried, but allways end up bringing her back home). Last school trip overnight we had to bring her home overnight, and take her back the next day, it was only a 20 minute drive.

Which brings me to this years school 2 night trip, a few hours drive from home. School are happy for her to go, however given past experience are worried about her settling. I would like her to go as it might be good for her confidence, independence etc.

It has been suggested we book into a nearby hotel as a safety net for her overnight, The plan being that she would stay with the rest of the class overnight, however if she's too upset we could go to her. It would also mean booking time off work, and my youngest staying with her grandparents.

The only other option is she doesn't get to go on the trip. And has to go work in another class room.

AIBU-to consider this as an option.

UANBU- go and have a nice couple of days away, (city break) hopefully she will surprise us and settle overnight.

Cant you go on the trip as a helper?

What support is she getting for her anxiety?
Does she want to go?
As a beavrs & cubs leader of many years, the vast majority of kids settle better when parents are NOT there. Who suggested the hotel? I would worry that send the message to her that you believe she won’t cope.

Sounds a bit OTT and once she knows about the safety net she'll want to use it. I would try some practice overnights between now and then. Grandparents, sleepover with a friend if possible. Then send her on the trip if she wants to go. The fallback plan is you driving to pick her up if you really have to.

That was what I suggested at first, however in the long run, it wouldn't do much for building her confidence in the future. and added DBS checks, and sleeping, aragments, with their being other children, makes it more complicated.

Honestly I think if she hasn't managed a single night away before, this might be too much for her.

This is just my anecdotal experience/perspective, but I have autism (diagnosed as an adult) and really struggled with overnight school trips when I was younger, unfortunately I didn't feel I could speak out to my parents but my anxiety was terrible and I just counted down every moment until I could be home in my safe space. I grew to love travel as I got older (and even ended up solo-travelling/living in Australia for a year) but I needed to build to that in my own way.

I would only consider sending her if she makes it clear that she really wants to go on the trip and doesn't want to be left out. In which case your idea of staying close by is really good option.

DD was the same, even at 16 (ASD) she hasn’t spent a night away (no GPs), although we are going away next year and she’s sharing with a friend. So she has never been on a school trip. Part of the issue is that her primary was totally unsympathetic about her anxiety so I didn’t feel like I could send her anyway as I knew it would be a total disaster.
Now most of her friends have sleepovers and are drinking and she won’t get involved with that.

As a Rainbows leader I would agree with this. In 10 years of doing a couple sleepovers a year (so probably 300-400 girls total aged 5-7 , we have never had a child need to go home, except 1 which was poorly, and she was very reluctant leave. The only child who nearly went home was the 1 whose mum came at bedtime to drop off pj's they had forgotten to pack - seeing mum made her wobble and consider leaving when up to that point had been fine.

But there are a few who have never done a sleepover with us, which is fine - we ask parents to only send their child if they are quite confident they will be fine, as a child leaving part way through can create a domino effect of anxiety. If parents are uncertain they are welcome to volunteer to help, in practice only 1 ever has, as they recognise the huge benefits for their daughters of developing independence.

OP, if you go with the hotel option, I wouldn't be telling your daughter you are doing this - at the first wobble she will ask straight away to leave

Im a scout leader and have supported a number of kids with ADHD/ ASD over the years to progress towards nights away from home

i think the hotel nearby is a brilliant option.

you need to keep encouraging and keep building confidence and eventually she will get there

part of that is trust that if she’s not coping you will come and get her. But I’d advise against you going as a helper.

dont don’t do the tough love option and just leave her

Thank you for this, this was on my line of thinking, she needs to have a safety net at the moment, and tough love isn't the right way out go at this stage.

We are slowly getting her more confident in being independent, she has just started to be able to attend after school clubs this year.

She wants to go on the trip, but overnight is too much for her at this stage. She hasn't got a best friend either to support her overnight, She struggles with making friend's.

Its sometimes difficult to know how much to push her, as we don't have an official diagnosis yet, over a year waiting list, so support is limited, although her school is very good with her. They have had advice from specialist teachers for her.

I also don't want to hold her back, but understand she will probably take longer then others to gain independence/confidents.

Op I never managed a night away until I was 14. I just couldnt cope with the unknown.
Don't feel pressurised into booking a hotel and taking time off work if it isn't doable. There will be other trips

What actually happens if she doesn't settle? There a big difference between a child being upset for 30 mins or so and a child having a total, inconsolable meltdown.

I think I'd tell her she needs a successful night at grandparents first.

Kinder parents than me might see the hotel option as a good one and just supporting her needs as a reasonable adjustment.

Can you try her at grandparents?

Does she want to go? There's no real need to spend nights away from home as a child.

My daughter is autistic and is 12. She's had sleepovers but I wasn't sure how she'd do for her schools trips - took one for P7 and just back from one now in S2, 4 nights each time. She actually loved it - sort of - and I think it was good for her but she was desperate to go.

Personally I'd be tempted to just plan to pick her up at bedtime instead of waiting anxiously for everyone to decide what to do. My daughter really benefits from clear structure so I'd just (assuming it's financially and logistically an option for you, and what she wants) - plan to pick her up at 10pm (or whatever the curfew is) and drop her back at 7am (or whatever breakfast time is) and just go with that plan. Having loads of people having too many options on the table and too much uncertainty sounds the worst of all worlds.

Teacher here
These trips are massively over rated
If she doesn’t want to go, don’t send her

DS’ class went away last year for 1 night, when they were in year 4. One girl’s dad went , she has SEN. DS only mentioned it in passing so I don’t think the kids thought anything of it. He didn’t help with any of the other children though - just her

The fact the school have suggested booking the hotel so she can go on the trip, or else for her not to go suggests to me they are aware they are worried that she is not going to cope and they are wanting to sure they have a safe plan in place for her.
I think you would need to weigh up how worthwhile it is for her going on the trip and whether that justifies you booking somewhere nearby and take time off work to do this.

My son didn't manage on his 2-night year 6 residential. We had to collect him at tea time on the first night as he got so upset.

I was gutted at the time - I felt like such a failure as a parent, when all the other DCs coped brilliantly and had an amazing time. I felt like I'd really let DS down.

Two years later...it couldn't be any less important. DS still hasn't spent a night away from us, but there is no pressure to in secondary school. Trips are optional, there's no expectation that the whole year group goes (this was the case in primary).

As it happens, DS has asked to go on an overnight trip to London with school this year and is really excited. He's grown up loads since year 6 and is much more confident. I know he'll be fine on this trip (if he gets a place).

So no real advice. Just solidarity, as I know how it feels when your DC is struggling with something that seems to come easily to others!

Teacher of what?

There’s a wealth of evidence that these trips are good for both life skills and improving educational attainment.

But I get that if it’s not your area you might not know that.

Tell her you've booked the hotel and make it a clear option. Don't make her feel shame for 'not coping' with staying over. It's a very different experience for NT children and totally fine not to be ready for that.

My daughter is ADHD/ASD and my husband did this, stayed in a hotel nearby. He wasn't needed but the reassurance clearly helped.

I’ve done this twice with autistic DD, in years 5 and 6. She had her own space allocated in the dorms but there was never any intention she’d use it; I dropped her off for breakfast and collected her late in the evening and we both had brilliant days. Autistic girls are generally already being incredibly resilient just getting through a school
day/daily life; whenever we nudge DD out of her comfort zone (unless an emergency) it is gradual and with appropriate support.

I completely agree with the part about resilience - it may be that one of the reasons the overnight feels too big a step is because she would have to mask the whole time.

Having run lots of these trips, I think she would get an incredible amount out of being there while also knowing she could relax in the evenings with a safe person.