To mourn a man I hated

[Lola8788]

Hi.

My ex partner and father to my son (10) died nearly a year ago. For the last 3/4 years of his life, we weren’t really on speaking terms. He put alcohol and drugs before his son. He would never turn up and meet him and I stopped all contact till he could get better and be a dad. He did some terrible, terrible things when we were together as well as after I left him.

I explained this to my son a few months before his dad died, that it was my job to protect him and that sometimes his dad made bad choices and he had to wait till he was a bit older to see him. My son has been badly effected by his dads death, there is a lot of blame towards me as he didn’t get to see him in the last couple of years and I know he is angry. I understand and get why and he has started counselling and we try to speak about him as much as we can.

My issue is, I can’t stop thinking about him. We were together a lot of years and even though I hated him at the end, I always thought there would be time to make things right. For him to be a better dad and for us to sort things out. The last thing I said to him was he would be better off dead, because of all the heartache he had caused me and my son. I feel so much guilt that that is the last thing I ever said to him. I can’t stop thinking about the good times we had, even though there was so much more bad times. I don’t know why I’m feeling like this. My heart is breaking for my son as it’s coming up to the anniversary and I constantly just feel full of grief and guilt.
I can’t really speak to anyone in real life about this as nobody really had a good word to say about him but any advice would be appreciated on how to deal with all these feelings because right now it’s consuming me.

Thank you xx

Dear OP. Just wanted to give you a hug, and say this sounds like "survivor guilt" on your part. No useful advice - I am sure others will be along soon who know better what to say. In the meantime, don't beat yourself up, you had a hard situation to deal with and you did your best for DS. 💗

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Grief is complicated and in my experience it can be worse when it’s someone you had complicated and unresolved feelings for than if it’s someone you just loved in an uncomplicated way. Perhaps because, as you say, there is now no chance to work out those differences or tensions. Your feelings are entirely valid.

Might you be able to access some bereavement counselling from Cruse or elsewhere so you can talk through these feelings with a neutral person?

Therapy for you as well as your son? Your feelings are complicated but I don't find it strange. Presumably you loved the bloke once and you can't switch caring off even if you want to. Sounds like you always hoped he'd get it together and it's difficult to deal with that now he never will.

It's a very tough situation. Maybe eventually you should tell your son you are also sad, that despite all the trouble you did care about his dad. It might help him to know that you didn't want to give up but the behaviour left you no choice.

You did the right thing and you couldn't predict what would happen.

I'm sorry, it's just shit.

You were doing your job and that is to protect your son. I'd still speak to a friend in rl who knew him. They might be more understanding than you think. As they knew him they might also help you a good perspective to why you're feeling this way. I don't think it matters how we parent we always feel guilty for something!Just ask yourself if you would do the same thing again if you could go back? I bet you would. It's just the aftermath now that's causing your guilt. Your son will understand one day. It was his dad's responsibility to put his son first and alter his behaviour and he chose himself.
Don't beat yourself up. He could've put your son at risk. Take care. Things will get better. It really is early days.

Thank you x

You’re probably grieving for the person he should have been. It’s entirely understandable - you always held out hope that he would become that person and now it’s not possible. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to a friend, speak to a counsellor. They won’t judge, they’ll just let you work through your feelings. In my area, there’s a self referral process instead of having to speak to your GP, but your GP will be able to signpost you to someone if you need advice.