Comments about weight from family

[PeanutButterAllTheTime]

I'm 35, I have a 14 month old, I live overseas and came home to visit family. The entire point of this trip is to hang out with family. I moved to the other end of the world, I miss them, I want them to get to know DS.

My weight has shot up lately (used to be a UK size 8, now a 12/14), with being back at work full time and not sleeping.

Since 9 months, DS has been either teething or sick every week (he cut 7 teeth in 8 weeks (!!!)). When he's well, he sleeps through the night no problem, will go 11 hours without a fuss so there is hope on the horizon. I'm still breastfeeding which is making me hungry still.

I'm really struggling with comments from family members. My grandma has always been horrible about fat women but now she's 85, she has zero filter. My great aunt is similar though more restrained.

According to them being fat really doesn't suit me....and I need to be careful not to let myself go so much apparently.

Another aunty, who i love and I'm very close to, would never say anything negative but she is always on a diet. Her entire life is about staying a size 6. We can't go out for lunch without her mentioning her size or calories.

My dad has asked me every few weeks this past year (on video calls) if I've lost the weight yet. Think my mum told him off as now he suddenly only makes positive comments but it's still just constant comments about my appearance.

Positive or not, I don't want to constantly feel like someone is measuring me up.

I'm not even that big, I'm 5'7" so a size 12 is not that bad.

Why does this hurt me so much? I feel sorry for these female relatives which is why I keep quiet. And my dad is and always has been a wonderful father except for this issue.

For background, my family is not originally from the UK (I was born here, they were not) and in their culture looks are very important.

I have another 2 weeks here. It's the middle of the night and I can’t sleep and I feel like an insecure teenager. Any advice please? How can I let this not get to me? Why does it upset me so much?

The comments are not constant, maybe once a day. But it still rings in my ear hours later.

I have family like this. Always made comments about my weight. They even made them when I was a size 8-10. I just ignore it. It’s their issue not mine.

I find it hard to ignore. I don't bite and I'm very breezy about the subject as it does shut down the conversation more quickly but internally I want to scream.

I literally just don't say a word, carry on looking them, let them waffle on and they stop. They are the ones that end up looking like idiots. I wouldn't even be breezy about it. Just stare at them and don't say a word.

Can you just state in a neutral tone 'my appearance is not up for discussion'. On repeat. Assholes, the lot of them. I hard relate OP, my mum heaps on praise and basically celebrates when I look thin, same for my sister. So fucking rude and outdated.

thats rough. I wonder if you mentioned how you’d have to be careful about the company your child kept, because comments about looks and weight can be so damaging for young children, cause eating disorders etc, you wouldn’t be exposing your child to such comments, would they soon dry up. People like this drive me mad. Why do they think we care about their opinion on someone else’s weight? And you’re a size 12? Give me a break. Let me guess, they hold the aunt, size 6, up as a shining example? These are not examples you want your child to experience. Let them think about that.

I'd be fucking off home and telling them why

Your family sounds awful! I hope some of them have a few redeeming features.

The best part of your post was “I live overseas”.

It’s hurtful because you love them unconditionally and want to fee close to them on a rare visit which you dreamed of being a lovely family time with your baby child. And the real is very different. You haven’t seen them in ages and they are criticising your weight and because it’s important to them, it makes you feel more cut off and less valued and loved. It is emphasising the difference and distance between you and that hurts. They haven’t lived up to your ideal of being welcomed home and loved and valued. And you haven’t lived up to their ideal of being emaciated!

I’m so sorry. Chin up, OP.

Reply every single time with, ‘that’s very rude and it hurts me when you talk about my body like that’.

My mother is the same. I went from a size 6 to 10 after having a baby and she loved to tell me how ‘overweight’ I was. We no longer speak.

I don't really have any advice I'm afraid
But I can relate.

I've been slim my whole life (only ever a size 10). I've got into strength training this year, and over the course of the entire year, have lost a bit of body fat and gained muscle - taking me down to a size 8.

My dieting and weight obsessed mum can't wrap her head around it and I think has now labelled me a 'dieter' (I've never tried one in my life, nor would I ever need to) and is eyeing me up constantly and talking at me about Slimming World recipes she can recommend!

It makes me uncomfortable having judgemental eyes on my body the whole time.

I have also gone through this with my mother. I used to be very thin, now a size 12-14. I’m also tall, so I still look fairly slim. She’s always telling me that I’m huge and fat. TBH she’s not even that thin any more, but she eats very little and disapproves of my physique/eating habits. I eat healthily, but I have small kids and I’m knackered. But for some reason her comments don’t get to me. I just think she’s unreasonable and annoying; perhaps this is my way of not letting it affect me too much. I don’t really care what she thinks any more. (As you imagine she disapproves of many aspects of my life.) You need to change your mindset because you won’t change your family’s.

It's unacceptable policing of women's bodies to conform to 'acceptable' norms. It is designed to make you feel the way you are feeling. Your power lies in being rude to them - tell them off (doesn't matter how old they are!) - learning to love yourself, whatever size you are, and in protecting your child from being around such damaging body shaming.

My family is just like this. The only thing that matters is how thin you are. Luckily I have 2 sisters and I just roll my eyes and feedback to my sisters and we all have an empathetic laugh about it later. Is there anyone normal in your family you can laugh about this with?

Hi OP I can relate to this, my family are the same. I am 5 foot 8 and a size 16, I of course know I am overweight but I would say I am quite muscular so while I have some fat around my stomach, the rest of me is quite 'solid' if that makes sense. My legs don't have cellulite, for example! My face looks younger than my age because I have a little bit of fat around my cheeks. My dad has a near-on eating disorder and always manages to shoehorn his weight / what he is eating / we all need to be careful about diabetes into every discussion. My dad will look me up and down disapprovingly, my mum says things like, you don't look too bad at the moment but I know she preferred it when I was slimmer. If I ever host I have emails beforehand telling me not to cook too much / they don't want a big plate of food / they won't be having dessert. It is exhausting and sucks the joy out of hosting them. This is only one of many factors in my decision to take a step back. It is something they feel they can criticise me over and they seem to take enjoyment in jabbing and invalidating me (part of a bigger pattern). TLDR; I was born into the wrong family!

Size 12/14 isn't fat.

Just tell them to mind their own business.
Remember how unpleasant they were when you next consider traveling around the world to spend time with them. Life's too short to spend with rude people who put you down.

God people have to put up with some shit with their families.
Thank God you can choose your friends.