Being annoyed by DH caring for his sick parents

[amijustmean]

I'm going to cut a long story short - my MiL is absolutely dreadful, has always been welcome to our house, but regularly calls me a bad mother, judges me for the car I drive, the school we send our kids to, the house being clean & tidy, the fact I run my own business - everything I do and DH does is wrong. She has really created a huge divide in our family, e.g. totally ignoring invitations to come to us for christmas when DH lovely sister was over from abroad with her newborn to get all the cousins together. Instead she asked his brother and sister to their house (not us) - with a full guilt trip if they had refused, we only found out the day before christmas! She's just a really awkward, difficult individual. She also loves for us to pay for everything, we would go and visit and she'd insist we take them for dinner, buy food, pay for anything she wanted while out and about. I don't normally mind buying drinks, food etc... but when you feel someone is taking the piss, it just grates me. DH dad is lovely btw, but she... awful. He isn't allowed to visit us, consequently we now only really see them once every 12/18 months and in the gaps.

Anyway - thats all for context. We now find ourselves in a position where DH dad has been in hospital for 5 weeks, she isn't really keen to look after herself - she can, she just has a canny knack of wanting everyone to do things for her. She chooses not to drive or indeed really leave the house, never cleans etc etc. We live around 3/4 hours away. DH dad seems to have gotten through the worst and we are starting to be clearer on a diagnosis, but we are hopeful he should at least make it home.

My DH now drives up on a Friday and stays until Monday evening, leaving me sorting the kids all weekend, working all week and then figuring the majority of the stuff out during the week, as he's so tired and emotionally drained from the weekends. He is totally appreciative, but I'm still picking up most of the slack.

Now - I do understand what he's doing and why he's doing it, I would do too... but with everything his Mum has put our family through and the distinct lack of interest she has ever shown us, I can't help but feel irritated that I'm at home all weekend with 2 kids who are super sociable and play lots of sports - so our weekends are BUSY, while DH is there doing her cleaning, taking her for dinner, visiting his Dad. I know that its not ideal for him either, but when he says, I'm out with my mates during the week or still keeping with plans to be away an extra night for planned friends social - I'm like, really??? I don't want to ever be that person who questions what my husband does, but now, I can't help it! There just doesn't seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel and my life seems to have been put entirely on the back burner for this situation. What will happen when they're both home? Will it continue? Me being a single Mum most of the week?

Am I just being a horrible person? I do empathise and as I said, I do understand, but it just feels so bloody hard. Keeping the kids sane, running a business, keeping the show on the road, doing all the late night party pick ups, sports, socials, the list goes on.... I think perhaps I just feel a bit sorry for myself!

Yeah I’d feel pretty sorry for myself too.

What is the endpoint? I’m not quite clear, is DH’s dad dying? What are dh’s siblings doing?

Is there any other support you can recruit for yourself? Your family, friends? Could the business support a contract employee to help out? More paid help at home?

We thought he was - we have been told a lot of different stories from the hospital, but seems more positive the last few days. His siblings are being fairly good, his sister lives abroad, but is over for a month soon. But... he'll want to spend time with her while she's here. So that adds another layer, which again I understand - I would want to aswell - but I can't help feeling irritated by it all.

I have some great business partners, but I'm very ambitious, so have my own guilt for not doing either Mum or work well. My family are amazing, but with everything thats going on, the kids need stability from me. I just don't see a way out - not sure more help would help, its just mentally draining being a man down. Admittedly though the house is much tidier when he's not home 😂

I feel for you.You are definitely not unreasonable. My in-laws said that DH should be there every weekend when DFIL was ill and also when he was in a nursing home. I worked some weekends and they felt that either I should give up my job or get my parents to come up (3.5 hours each way) to look after the DC. One DC had commitments every weekend as well. I was all that was wrong when he said he couldn’t do that. He did all DIL hospital appointments, and probably a weekend every month.
i was exhausted when he did a weekend at theirs, like you he went straight from work on Friday and came back after work on Monday. So was he, long train journeys on Monday morning before work.
i don’t know the answer. Both DPIL have died and I am very low contact with SIL.

DH needs to pay someone to go round there and help her with the cleaning and such. Every weekend is too much.

So your DH didn't want to do that stuff. You didn't want to, your DC didn't want to, they were just dragging you back.

"A society grows great when old men plant trees in whose shade they shall never sit".

Sounds like your DH is one of four siblings and one sister lives abroad?? Needs a plan between the three to share the weekends and wean MIL off getting help every day as it is not sustainable as he will burn out ( and so will you). FIL may be entitled to Attendance Allowance once home and maybe this could be used to pay for some support? Could the three siblings take a weekend in rotation -so one in three if that level of help is really required?
Also check out Carers allowance and CHC in case FIL eligible.

I don’t think a husband and a father has the right to opt out of his commitments…for anything, really. His parents aren’t a commitment. You and his children are.

That said, good and decent people will care for the people they love, especially when they’re sick and/or vulnerable. I would expect to facilitate my DH helping MIL with FIL when FIL is in hospital. But I would not facilitate DH helping a fully capable MIL by dumping his children and wife.

If your DH can’t say no to his mum, he’s a wuss. Just like all the other wuss husbands on MN who can’t say no to their mums. Yes, you give a little slack for a certain amount of cheekiness when they’re old, they’re tired, they’re alone - she raises him, after all, and no matter how old he is, she’s still his mum and he will still feel obliged towards her in some respects. But ALL weekend, EVERY weekend, like you and his children don’t event exist? No.

I think he needs to spend time with you also. Parents are important but so is the wife and children.

Why do people take all this crap from their parents/inlaws? We wouldn't/didn't. Your partner and kids come first. Too many mummy's boys around.

Firstly hugs.
Secondly DH needs to hire a cleaner so he isn't cleaning MIL house.

Can he go up on Saturday morning, visit father, take MIL out to dinner and come back Sunday morning or Sunday lunchtime if he needs to do another visit and take her to Sunday lunch?

Have you suggested he does alternate weekends?

Maybe also talk about what happens if FIL dies. Because obviously he can't just become her substitute husband.

Why can’t he go up to visit his DF, stay for one night and not take his mother (ie pay for) for a meal every meal?

I think the trouble with these situations is that emergency responses get put in place and quickly become the norm, meanwhile unfortunately thus could continue for months or even years.

Practical things that DH can do. Firstly check if they have financial POA for him. That way he could get access to their account and do online grocery shopping etc. Then see if she can get in a cleaner and gardener.
Then make him promise that he will take a big step back when his Dsis is there and reassess once she is gone. It must be difficult for him as there is the natural inclination to want to support his DPs, overlaid with DM who sounds quite demanding and unreasonable.

I think that having an occasional evening to himself in the midst of this is not actually totally unreasonable, as he is also working all week and then caring all weekend just as you are, plus his parent is dangerously ill.
However, you also need downtime, and he is BU if he just drops doing anything for your kids entirely during this period.

I agree with getting more people into the mix to share the load - paid help (possibly for your house too, during this period?) and other siblings.

Sounds awful OP. Parents and parents in law can be very demanding. They seem to forget that people who aren't old have jobs, families, commitments and their own lives to keep on track. They also, and I speak from bitter experience, often seem to reject paid help, a cleaner for instance and think their children will step in. If your DP has siblings in the UK a rota is needed as others have already suggested.

Or MiL can pay for someone to come round and clean, etc.

OP tell your DH that he needs to move from the sprint to the marathon. And that means not every weekend. Not doing everything for his mum, putting in limits and insisting on others doing the grunt work. He should go up and visit his Dad (and his mum, and help with organizing help for the things MiL can’t do.

And until he does, put your foot down about the going out midweek if he isn’t pulling any weight at home.

Aging parents do need care and unless he wants to cut his mum out (which is does sound like she might deserve, but that’s his call really) it is going to be a bit of a slog. In the immediate aftermath of a hospitalization, it makes sense that it was all hands to the deck. But he doesn’t get to drop everything at home indefinitely. Panic time is over. He needs to start planning for the long haul.

I get he needs to go see his dad when he’s in hospital but he can do that one day a weekend, his bloody mother can crack on looking after herself. Remind him of the way she treated yous when yous weren’t welcome at her house at Christmas, therefore he is well within his rights to stay clear of her in her home now, she can’t have it all her way. Give him an ultimatum, he either does the bare minimum for his mother and puts his family first or he’s a single man and he can go back and live with her for good. I’m willing to place bets on which option he will choose!

He absolutely shouldn’t be doing her cleaning or other chores. He can go, visit his Dad, take his Mum out for lunch and come back. And if she doesn’t want to do things herself she can get a cleaner or a home help.

And @Summerhut2025

This is from last September.

How old is your MIL? Bear in mind that the typical life expectancy of women is in fact early to mid nineties. The ‘average’ life span of about 86 you see quoted by ONS includes all those who’ve passed away before, which pulls down the average.

Your husband has taken the path of least resistance and both of you, and your children, are paying the price. Your husband clearly doesn’t understand the concept of boundaries. Understandable he wants a night out with friends, but you also deserve this too.

The set up is not sustainable or appropriate. Elderly people become increasingly selfish and DO NOT CARE about consequences for others. You/he absolutely won’t be able to reason with your MIL.

Your husband is missing out on seeing his children grow up and he is potentially compromising his marriage, too. Point this out to him. I pointed this out to my husband when he ended up practically living with his father, potentially risking losing his job, too. His father was wealthy. His father’s wealth, rightly, was then used to buy in care, which released my husband to live his life and be a son again, rather than a 24/7 skivvy. This needs to happen with your MIL. There comes a point where elderly parents’ ‘needs’ outweigh their ‘wants’.

My mum was away almost every bloody weekend looking after her parents when I was a teenager. It was just me and my dad at home.

TBH, there’s a part of me that still resents her for it.

i dont see why his dm can't pay for someone, or at least have one weekend alone a month, or every other weekend
pay for a taxi to take her to hospital
can you organise grocery delivery?

OH I HAVE JUST SEEN THIS IS SOME MONTHS OLD