DH and contact with his family/ MIL issues

FuzzyWolf · 16/09/2025 21:51

Does your DH not ever suggest something with them?

Winebefore5 · 16/09/2025 21:54

An hour isn’t that far to drive? Surely once a month he could phone up and say “hey mum, can we pop round on Sunday afternoon?”

Ponoka7 · 16/09/2025 21:55

He needs to straight out ask her what she wants to happen and not relay everything to you. MIL might be moaning, because she likes having a moan.

Diarygirlqueen · 16/09/2025 22:09

This is so different from my family. I would never ring before I visited and my mum would think its weird that I have to organise to visit her.
It's only an hour away, surely he can make an effort to visit his mum once in a while.
I read a post today from a mil, it was very on point. She said she had to make double the effort to stay in her sons life, to fit in his family. Very sad.

LegoLivingRoom · 16/09/2025 22:27

Diarygirlqueen · 16/09/2025 22:09

This is so different from my family. I would never ring before I visited and my mum would think its weird that I have to organise to visit her.
It's only an hour away, surely he can make an effort to visit his mum once in a while.
I read a post today from a mil, it was very on point. She said she had to make double the effort to stay in her sons life, to fit in his family. Very sad.

But how would you know if they were in? I’m not driving an hour to see someone on the off chance they are in.

mindutopia · 16/09/2025 22:34

I think your Dh has to manage his own family relationships and you need to sit on your hands. Is it massively passive aggressive? Yes. But your dh needs to decide what he’s willing to accept. This isn’t your battle to have. He can ring up his family and arrange something. If he doesn’t want to or they refuse, that’s fine. If he doesn’t want a relationship at all, then that’s a boundary he can set too. He needs to be the one in charge.

CurlewKate · 16/09/2025 22:36

Does he ever message and say “hey, can we come and see you on Sunday?”

TwoShades1 · 16/09/2025 22:39

I can’t help, but mine are similar. I just leave it with DP it’s his family and he can have whatever relationship with them he wants. Mostly just pisses me off about grandchildren. “Oh, we never see them” cue completely ignoring them when we do catch up. There was a point where we realised they hadn’t seen a teen grandchild for 6 months, they only live 40 mins from us and there had been multiple dance concerts, birthdays, etc during that time that they didn’t have any interest in. And they treat other DIL much better, she got a $250 handbag for her birthday, I got a phone call while FIL was in between jobs at work and I was cooking dinner.

CKN · 16/09/2025 22:45

As it’s your DH’s family I’d let him deal with them. When you say MIL is yet again moaning is she moaning directly to you or does she speak to your DH and he relays the message.
I never get involved in in law issues, not my issue to sort

WallaceinAnderland · 16/09/2025 22:45

MIL yet again moaning that DH has ‘forgotten’ he has a family. That he never sees them.

Has he asked them where and when they would like to meet up?

Feels like we only have half the story here.

Original poster

CantwinItseems · 17/09/2025 07:18

We have invited them to us many times , they say it’s too far / they are busy that day / MIL doesn’t like travelling etc.
We have suggested meeting them somewhere for lunch , again they are busy / can’t do that day/time.
We offer to go there but we have to arrange a day/time due to to work and other commitments and that’s supposedly me being controlling (it’s not- we have work and family commitments and circumstances meaning we can’t just pop round last minute as we need to plan it at least a week or two in advance)

We last saw them at Easter , there was an atmosphere. Now this comment that dh never sees them yet there have been no invites at all from them to us/dh

OP posts:

Original poster

CantwinItseems · 17/09/2025 07:27

CKN · 16/09/2025 22:45

As it’s your DH’s family I’d let him deal with them. When you say MIL is yet again moaning is she moaning directly to you or does she speak to your DH and he relays the message.
I never get involved in in law issues, not my issue to sort

Both- I know he speaks to her every couple of days and he messages her and FIL and BIL/SIL very regularly often daily contact with at least one of them there isn’t a lack of communication but MIL will often message me to say is DH ok ? She’s worried as hasn’t seen him in so long. I often extend invitations and make suggestions for dates to meet or for us to visit and she will say ‘oh it’s all about what days suit you again’

I know recently DH had said to her about either them visiting us or us visiting them the last weekend of September as neither of us have work and I heard some of the conversation where he said ‘well what’s good enough then ?’ But I didn’t hear the rest so there’s an issue I just don’t know what ? She says he is forgetting he has a family but they haven’t actually suggested anything or invited us ?

OP posts:

Original poster

CantwinItseems · 17/09/2025 07:29

WallaceinAnderland · 16/09/2025 22:45

MIL yet again moaning that DH has ‘forgotten’ he has a family. That he never sees them.

Has he asked them where and when they would like to meet up?

Feels like we only have half the story here.

I feel like I’ve only got half the story too as what I know isn’t adding up with what MIL is saying !

OP posts:

WallaceinAnderland · 17/09/2025 14:21

They are only an hour away, why can't he go and see them on his own. You don't all need to go.

He could go straight from work, eat with them and be back home by bedtime.

thepariscrimefiles · 17/09/2025 14:29

CantwinItseems · 17/09/2025 07:18

We have invited them to us many times , they say it’s too far / they are busy that day / MIL doesn’t like travelling etc.
We have suggested meeting them somewhere for lunch , again they are busy / can’t do that day/time.
We offer to go there but we have to arrange a day/time due to to work and other commitments and that’s supposedly me being controlling (it’s not- we have work and family commitments and circumstances meaning we can’t just pop round last minute as we need to plan it at least a week or two in advance)

We last saw them at Easter , there was an atmosphere. Now this comment that dh never sees them yet there have been no invites at all from them to us/dh

So you and your DH make all the effort to invite them, they decline and then moan that DH has 'forgotten his family'? Just ignore them. If they don't invite you to see them and turn down your invitations, there isn't anything that you can apart from stepping right back.

Suggestions that your DH should drive for an hour without an invitation and just knock on their door sound ridiculous. They could be out or just really unwelcoming.

IsThisLifeNow · 17/09/2025 14:36

make suggestions for dates to meet or for us to visit and she will say ‘oh it’s all about what days suit you again’

That would drive me up the wall, well yes, it does have to suit us, otherwise we wouldn't be able to make it. No solutions here, but my Mum is the same, moans about not seeing the kids, but doesn't suggest plans. I am currently going through a divorce and thought they might offer to do more things at the weekends to help occupy the kids, but no.

Original poster

CantwinItseems · 17/09/2025 16:54

I suspect that maybe they have invited dh alone and he’s not told me to save my feelings ?

OP posts:

CarpetKnees · 17/09/2025 17:33

but MIL will often message me to say is DH ok ? She’s worried as hasn’t seen him in so long. I often extend invitations and make suggestions for dates to meet or for us to visit and she will say ‘oh it’s all about what days suit you again’

If I got a message like that, from my MiL in your circumstances, I would reply with
"Yes, he's fine. Didn't you speak to him yesterday?"
then
"Not sure what you want me to say about not seeing him? We've invited you to things 5 times in the last month, all of which you've declined, and you haven't offered any alternative suggestions which you've invited us to. If you'd like to suggest something we can check the diary."

CKN · 17/09/2025 21:43

CantwinItseems · 17/09/2025 16:54

I suspect that maybe they have invited dh alone and he’s not told me to save my feelings ?

If that’s the case you need to grow a thick skin and don’t waste your energy worrying about them. MIL seems to be treating him like a Mummy’s Boy instead of recognising you all as a family unit.
Step back from the situation and relish the freedom

GingersOwner26 · 17/09/2025 22:54

I have an uncle and aunt like this. They've frequently gone into rants about my cousin (their nephew) and his wife not letting them visit after they had kids - what actually happened was my cousin and his wife did suggest some dates, but uncle and aunt didn't confirm either way, so when something else came up, cousin and his wife felt they were free to commit to that instead, and when uncle and aunt tried to confirm at the eleventh hour, they were no longer free to host them.

(There's a lot more to it, which I won't get into as it's a) getting off topic and b) potentially identifying, but over the years it's escalated to the point where most of the family have just given up.)