Please, please help me deal with my lovely MIL. I NEED SPACE!!!!!!

[justaphase]

OK, she really is lovely. She has always been kind and considerate, always offering to help. Tells me that she feels like I am her own daughter, how much she likes me, what a wonderful mother I am etc, etc. When DS was born she came when he was 3 weeks and stayed for 3 weeks (she offered to come before the birth and stay for 3mts). Then when he was 6mts and I returned to work she came for 6 weeks and looked after him. She is very helpful - cooks, cleans, shops, took over at night when we were exhausted.

BUT

She leaves me no space to breathe. She takes everything over. I don't want another mother, I have one and I am happy with her, she stays out of my way. She wants to know every minute detail of our day and then looks for things to worry about. When DS had a caught she phoned 4 different doctors to ask what to do. When DS was born she told people that he will come to live with her when I return to work - she lives abroad, a 3 hour flight away!!! She has views on sleep (the baby feels best in his mother's arms), weaning (water from birth, juice from 6 weeks), potty training (from 8 mts) and everything else. Things went sour last time she visited - she gave DS cake just before dinner (he is 2 now), so when he unsurprisingly refused to eat his food I said - fine, just nobody be running after him with his plate. Two minutes later I found her trying to stuff food in his mouth while he was playing in his room. So I yelled at her. OK, I know thats wrong but I am pregnant and hormonal and she really stresses me out.

So, our second baby is due in August and she has offered to come to help. So we got her a ticket for one week for when the baby should be about 3 weeks old. She is now really upset that we only want her for a week. She feels we don?t want her here and try to keep her out of her grandchildrens' lifes. She is deeply hurt that her grandkids will grow up without knowing her.

Please help me get some perspective, she is making me feel like an evil witch. We also visit them, btw? probably 3-4 times a year for 2-7 days at a time which I also find increadibly stressful.

She isn't really lovely though is she? Although on the surface she might seem to be to others and also probably thinks she IS being lovely she undermines you and outstays her welcome!

I know how you feel. I also think it would be very very difficult to get her to understand how you feel.

What does your dp think?

My DH understands how I feel .... sort of. She also drives him nuts and he just ignores her a lot or yells at her, but he can do this as she is his mother. I can't.
At the same time he can see it from her point of view - he says she is really suffering for not being able to be near us. My DH was practically raised by his grandparents and has really fond memories of them.... so she was sort of assuming that she would be raising our kids.

You weren't wrong to yell at her - you'd asked her not to follow him around with food, and then she did. So you needed to say the same thing, but louder so that she knows you mean it.
But there is a lot about her that is valuable. TBH she reminds me of my MIL - i'm so grateful for all she does for us, but occasionally she will say/do something that makes me want to throttle her, and I instantly forget all the kindnesses. Then I remember them two minutes later and feel incredibly guilty!

With mine, I frequently send her cards & notes thanking her for the specific things I appreciate about her, with photos of DS or drawings he's done for her. But I also make no bones about saying 'Well MIL, I think you're wrong about that, and I need you to respect my rules on this.'. I give her lots of carrot, and lots of stick . And we get along okay. Although i think she does sometimes wish DH had married someone a little more... pliable! It sounds like you need to work on your assertiveness & boundaries - she's playing a few 'guilt' cards (growing up without knowing her etc.). But you can still praise her for the wonderful things she does while squashing the inappropriate ones. Do yell at her if she's annoyed you, otherwise you'll just feel resentful, and that can really poison a family relationship.

Message withdrawn

I think it might be her that needs some perspective not you, she doesn't sound very lovely to me.

i would rather stick pins in my eyes than have MY mother stay for that long, let alone my mil - you have my sympathy!

thebecster has some good advice i think i would go with it!

oooh.... the guilt card... you are so right. After the cake incident she was telling me one evening that she has nothing to live for and it wouldn't really matter if she did not wake up the next morning.

I feel ungrateful though, when I read messages from other people on here whose relatives either do not care or are totally vicious. Whereas I can see that she has all the best intentions.

I know what its like to have an MIL that can be suffocating, despite the best of intentions, and often stifle the urge to yell. I think it helps to make clear what you appreciate about her, and when she makes her outlandish suggestions you can tell her 'thanks for the advice, I'll think about it'...and when you don't follow it and she asks why, just tell her you appreciate her input but you spoke to your GP about it and its against current medical advice (e.g the juice/water thing). I think you've done very well so far to have her stay over and encourage a close relationship with her grandchildren, but you mustn't let her undermine you, or make you feel guilty for being human and finding her annoying sometimes.

Justaphase, where is your mil from? she sounds like many greek mils that I know!

Very, very close pollylogos... In fact I think she has some greek herritage

I'm sending you a virtual hug right now because I understand where you are completely. Somebody has cloned my MIL and send a copy over to you.... or vice versa.

I could ramble on about what my MIL is like, but you already know through your MIL.

The only thing that has worked with her was getting DH to deal with her/handle any communications. This helped to take some of the emotion out of it (for me), and to keep alittle distance when she is/was being particularly nightmarish. She seems to mostly get the hint with this treatment.

However, she still exists on planet MIL most of the time and rarely joins the rest of us on planet earth I'm afraid.

Killing someone with kindness is still killing them IMO, and they are your children so its your choice what you do, and for how long you want visitors.

Please don't feel guilty. My MiL can be pretty overbearing. I used to feel awful and tiptoe around in case I hurt her feelings, but I've started to toughen up a little because I simply can't cope with it. You are absolutely doing the right thing in making sure that you have the time you want with your baby. I know it's hard though.

Totally agree with reamhar about getting H to deal with your MIL. I have found that doing this means that I don't feel like Queen Bitch and I can relax when they visit (especially when they ask again and again and again when they can give DD ice cream - she's 7 months!!)

Probably totally get shouted down here but have you tried sitting her down and explaining to her that whilst you really appreciate her help and support etc it is really important to feel like you can cope alone with the new baby etc. Emphasise how important she is in your lives but that sometimes you just need a bit of space.

She sounds lonely and like she's trying to do the right thing. Without sounding patronising too, two babies is a whole different ball game to one and if she's willing to help out with night feeds etc you may just find yourself very grateful for her prescence (3 weeks is still overdoing it!). When I had my 2nd DD at first it felt like my Mum was always around and 'popping in' and at the time I ended up feeling resentful but looking back I realise how much she helped, esp with giving extra attention to DD1. Just my thoughts....good luck with the new baby.