Should I let my son’s girlfriend stay over?

[MrsWickfield]

She’s lovely & they are both young adults & he regularly stays over at hers - so it’s nothing about her personally or about managing intimacy. We even have an annex – so ability for them to have some private space.

My reasons for hesitating

1. 2 ASD younger siblings. They try very hard to behave well when she is around – but the it’s pressure on them when non-family members are around a lot.
2. His last girlfriend said horrible things about his siblings after they broke up, which makes me defensive about letting new partners see too much of them on bad days.
3. My standard of housekeeping isn’t great – and the annex is particularly dusty and cluttered. My son says it’s fine, but I feel self-conscious about it. I would generally deep clean before overnight guests. I’m not sure that she wouldn’t go home and tell her mum about it.
4. My son talks a good game in terms of helping to keep things clean, but is very inconsistent with helping with housework. An extra person would put more pressure on housework, and it would make me pissed off if I felt all the extra load going onto me.
5. They are talking about getting their own place – and in an awful way, I worry that if I give them a free place to stay, that will lose their motivation to push through into their next stage of independence
6. Currently the annex is used as my workshop for my hobby. It’s kind of my ‘shed’. Once I let them in - it’ll set a precedent & it’ll be much harder to claim it back without being an ogre.

She lives with her family half an hour drive from us - but neither drive and busses take much longer.

but one of my close friends – has three adult children, two of them with partners, somehow fitting into a three bedroom house…

… and they do look stressed…

… but also there are a really close family…

… so maybe I need to be braver with letting people see how messy and scruffy it gets ….

Just let them sleep in the annex and get on with it. He is an actual adult. My dd was in a uni flat share at that age and her bf often had internships in her town and lived there with her for weeks at a time. I asked if he was contributing fairly to food / flat costs and otherwise left well alone. Up to her how often she / they cleaned up / washed the sheets. Maybe a quick reminder to be respectful to his siblings but otherwise....

No. You have minor kids in the home and they likely won't handle another person there much of the time well.

Your son doesn't keep his space clean. He already doesn't do his share. You don't need another person adding to the household load.

I personally don't let kids' bfs or gf's stay over and wouldn't allow them to move in. If they want to live together, they need to get a job and finance a place for themselves.

She doesn't need to live with you for you to build a relationship. In fact, I think that might cause some resentment on your side, especially with your son not pulling his weight and just having another person underfoot.

Has he asked to have her stay over OP? Or are they happy enough with the status quo? If it's causing you stress (for very understandable reasons) I would just drop the idea. Think of other ways you can spend time together that work for your family set-up. Tell your son you want to get to know her better and what does he suggest. Above all don't worry and stress about it!

I really wish we had done that. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. We agreed with limits and the boundaries got pushed and pushed and before I knew it they were here far too much (ie not telling me they were staying over until here and then difficult to deal with when ensconced in his room). It was driving me demented not knowing what was happening when, because it does change the dynamic in the house sometimes. It started to be "our place our rules". Once it's started it's hard to go back ......... so I just set some boundaries and said on these occasions yes but not ad hoc. And she broke up with him. Then it looked like my fault 🙁

Absolutely not.
You have enough going on.
You need the annex as YOUR space to decompress from the load that you carry.

Last summer my silly friend allowed her daughter to use her one bedroomed garden room at the end of a garden when her pal was visiting for a few days.

It was a huge mistake as she came back to it practically taken over by her daughter with her stuff and she had been using it with her boyfriend.
She really thought she was entitled to the space and it wasn't until she was given marching orders did she back down.
Things have remained frosty and my friend will not allow anyone use her space going forward.
Her daughter will be moving out shortly and it isn't a moment too soon at 25.
She desperately needs a dose of reality.

Once you give in, it is hard to take it back.

At the age they are I definitely wouldn't entertain it.

My eldest comes home regularly and his girlfriend has visited for 3 nights.
I do find it an intrusion but I can't be arsed with visitors at 60.
I have friends who say one night max a week.

I agree with the poster above who erote he doesn't pull his weight as it is and shd is with you 3 evenings already?
Too much.
I think you will bitterly regret it.

Exactly - had something similar - furniture changed and all sorts! Except mine's a teen.

What did you decide to do @MrsWickfield?

I hear you. I have a glorious garden room that is MINE, no sharing whatsoever.
I entertain my friends there as it also is self contained, drinks, supper, you name it.
I love it so much, best money I have ever spent.
I was away for a month last summer and my youngest rang me looking for the key for her friends to "hang out in".
Unfortunately I had accidentally brought the key away with me.😚
I was already wary of the state of thd house upon my return, but my space was a step too far.
Its my toy and I'm not sharing!

I'd let her stay in his room "sometimes", but I wouldn't be giving them the annex or any indication that this can be a permanent arrangement, for the reasons you state.

I wouldn't worry too much about letting her "in" on your family life, people can say/think what they like, but i would male it clear it cant be too often for the sake of his brothers. If he can also stay at hers and they (should) have time apart, it needn't be more than a 2/3 times a month. If they want more they need to be proper adults and make their own living arrangements.

But don't forget it's your house and you're in charge. If there are chores he should be doing they still need doing. I'd expect her to help clear the table etc, as I'd hope he does at her house and tbh I'd expect them to either be cooking for themselves or taking a turn at cooking for the family. If she's to be treated as a guest, then I'd expect her visits to be infrequent. If she's "family" she chips in with everyone else.

My DS1 has just moved out at 25 and we've had this kind of arrangement for about 5 years. Not a stream of GFs but more than one!

I would say you're anticipating and speculating problems either way that might not occur.

I would also say that this problem - that he basically ends up spending all his time at hers and drifts away from you - is more likely, and much harder to fix.

The various problems you foresee if he spends more time in the annex are bridges that can be crossed if/when you come to them, and they wouldn't be especially difficult to solve.

He’s probably spent his life compromising and missing out because of his siblings. Let him have this sense of normality and allow his girlfriend to stay over.