Should I let my son’s girlfriend stay over?

[MrsWickfield]

She’s lovely & they are both young adults & he regularly stays over at hers - so it’s nothing about her personally or about managing intimacy. We even have an annex – so ability for them to have some private space.

My reasons for hesitating

1. 2 ASD younger siblings. They try very hard to behave well when she is around – but the it’s pressure on them when non-family members are around a lot.
2. His last girlfriend said horrible things about his siblings after they broke up, which makes me defensive about letting new partners see too much of them on bad days.
3. My standard of housekeeping isn’t great – and the annex is particularly dusty and cluttered. My son says it’s fine, but I feel self-conscious about it. I would generally deep clean before overnight guests. I’m not sure that she wouldn’t go home and tell her mum about it.
4. My son talks a good game in terms of helping to keep things clean, but is very inconsistent with helping with housework. An extra person would put more pressure on housework, and it would make me pissed off if I felt all the extra load going onto me.
5. They are talking about getting their own place – and in an awful way, I worry that if I give them a free place to stay, that will lose their motivation to push through into their next stage of independence
6. Currently the annex is used as my workshop for my hobby. It’s kind of my ‘shed’. Once I let them in - it’ll set a precedent & it’ll be much harder to claim it back without being an ogre.

She lives with her family half an hour drive from us - but neither drive and busses take much longer.

If he puts the work into helping clean it up/ put it back after she's been, yes, but if he expects you to, no.
And always with the caveat of no, ASD sibs are really not coping today etc

Do you mean "stay over" or "move in"?
Big difference.
If she only staying, why would there be extra work for you?

I just had an outright "no, sorry" response when I was asked this. I just could not be bothered with any of it, the politics, the expense, the not having the house to yourself, ergh! I just straight out said no to all 3 of them.

They only ever asked once 😀

Does she visit? I can’t see how being there while everyone is asleep will make much difference? I’d say she can sleep x amount per week. Whatever works for you.

That’s the thing - given that the annex has its own front door, I think once I offer it up as an option, I think they would end up spending at least a couple of nights there every week - which feels like the thin end of the wedge to moving in

Currently they see each other most days, and she visits 2/3 times a week for dinner / TV / chill.

You've not said how old they are?... but if you do allow it, make it clear they will be responsible for cleaning up after themselves. And you can say no at any point when you want your own space

Could she not just stay in his normal bedroom. As you say the annex does sound a bit too perfect!

He says he will - but basically he has no clue how much work keeping house is.

He’ll wipe a few surfaces and announce it as ‘I cleaned the kitchen’.

With her there - I don’t want to embarass him by calling him out too bluntly. Alone we often row about his shirking chores. It’d be really horrible to row with her there.

How old are they? You say young adults but there’s a difference between 18 and 25!
I would let her stay yes but on condition that your son gives the annexe a good spring clean first, then up to them to keep it clean.
If they ended up moving in permanently would it be a bad thing? They could take over maintenance of the annexe and contribute towards bills so would lighten your load

Like pp said - can’t she just stay in his bedroom?

And he has to pay for a cleaner

She is 19 and he is 20.

His normal bedroom is a single bed sharing a bathroom with / next door to the most volatile sibling.

So I’m cringing in advance about risk of ‘intimate’ noises going one way through the wall or meltdown screaming going the other way through the wall.

My nerves can’t handle the pressure of basically blending another child into my complicated family.

Compromise. Eg one night a week max. Anymore more than that is too much for siblings.

I have similar aged DC and GF. They live together now but they’ve stayed over for years. Make sure they’re responsible for cleaning and tidying after themselves as well as giving you space when you need to focus on your other DC’s. If you say no they may spend time at her house and you’ll see them less. Depends whether you want that or not.

Edited to add - it’s amazing how their cleaning and tidying skills develop when they’ve got a partner to impress….

You have given more reasons for her not to stay over so just say sorry, no can do.

I think you've answered your own question. If you view them as children, then it must be a no.

I’d let them stay in the annex. Why not. You are anticipating lots of problems but you can deal with those IF they arise. Let them enjoy themselves. I wouldn’t clean up for them and I wouldn’t worry about the siblings behaviour. Just go with the flow and stop worrying.

I would (for the occasional night only) if DS cleaned the annex and laundered the sheets.

IMO your needs / wishes and the considerations regarding your younger DC with additional needs outweigh the benefits for DS and his GF of having space at yours.

Would his room work as your hobby room? As in, move him permanently into the annexe.

Whether you then want the gf staying over is another thing, but it might incentivise him to sort out the annexe & generally raise his housekeeping game?

It doesn't sound as though it will benefit your family in any way and will actually cause additional stress so I don't really see why you would consider it.

Truthfully - even the idea of it is stressing me - but I’m considering it because I feel that otherwise I will ‘lose them‘ to her family.

That I’m being an idiot missing the chance to build a relationship with her & to spend time with DS.

She’s the only child still living in a large house & he basically has an open door to stay at hers

I have a DS of a similar age living at home, currently we allow sleepovers (for want of better term) with his gf on either a Friday or Saturday as I don't want my home invaded all weekend but he does have the right to have guests over. That said I don't have your complications as my older two dc have left home.

How about they both clean it up together if they want to use it.
You could even make a little joke with her about 'getting him into good habits before she lives with him' etc. If she's smart she'll realise the window of opportunity for that.

I'd be tempted to agree with @CorvusPurpureus and move him permanently into the annexe and leave them to do any cleaning/laundry, presuming it has its own bathroom of course and they sort their own food so not extra work/stress for you🥰 but I'm a soft touch and why i have boomerang kids, two 30+ year olds with me at the moment🤣

he doesn’t allow her to lift the finger when she visits - and quietly asks to be excused from his regular chores. He does do extra before and after.

In a way – I think it’s really lovely that he wants her to spend time with us - and is protective of her.

But our family have a lot of strange rules on the account of the SEN -and I’m not at the stage of my life where I have a lot of bandwidth to be relaxed and chatty

which then makes me feel like I have entirely missed the point – if I am too stressed to spend quality time with my own child.