To feel sad - ectopic pregnancy hand-hold needed

[Autumnleaveschanging]

Have been a single parent to DD age 8 and DS age 6 since DS was a few months old. Get on well with ex and he is a big part of the children’s lives seeing them regularly.

Ive been seeing someone for a couple of years now. My children have never met him and he respects this, though would jump at the chance to do so. I have no desire to blend families.

Found out last week that I was pregnant. I am on the pill so not planned. Before I really had time to think about what to do, was rushed into hospital with pain and found it was ectopic. Had surgery. I’m now back home ‘resting’ but my ‘partner’ is fussing (so I’ve pushed him away) and I’ve only told 2 friends. Leaned on one too much already and don’t feel that I can lean on the other.

I’m self-employed so need to work otherwise we’ll have no money (do have some savings so not destitute but they’re meant to be for Christmas, holidays etc). Resting now but have to work this afternoon.

I just feel so sad even though a baby could have wrecked good relationship with ex, amazing relationship with my children, relationship with ‘partner’ and in the short term at least, my ability to work. So it would have been like throwing a grenade into my whole life. But I am still SO sad.

How do I change my mindset? Please be kind, I’m struggling. Thanks

I don't think you should be trying to change your mindset or whatever right now. You should allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel. It's a loss and you will be sad (and in shock, and in pain!)
If your dp is a decent bloke try not to push him away too much, as you could console each other. I am sure your friends will be happy to be leant on.
Im really sorry this has happened to you

Thank you so much for your reply.

’dp’ has actually been brilliant and made me feel even worse as he has been so kind, dropped everything, taken annual leave from work, cleaned my house, all the things that usual men do, I’m just not used to it (hence I’m a single parent - ex was… not like that!) and I’ve pushed him away. I’m just used to doing everything alone that it feels so unnatural to ask for / accept the help. I’ve said he should work today and then, in theory, I’m working tonight so maybe I can see him tomorrow.

You're allowed to feel sad , you need time to process everything that’s happened

So sorry this happened to you OP. I agree with others, you don’t have to change your mindset you have to allow yourself to process what has happened. Your hormones will also be all over the place so give yourself some time.

I am not sure why you are pushing your partner away. He has stepped up, he sounds like a decent man.

My ex left us when my son was 5 months old because ‘it was all too much’. Turned out he’d be having an affair for months.

Since then, I’ve always done everything on my own for my children. I put them first no matter what which is why I don’t want to blend my family with dps.

I didn’t realise he would step up quite as much as he has and it’s made me nervous, I think. I wondered if he was just trying to get close while I’m vulnerable. In reality, I don’t think changing my kid’s bed sheets and putting them on the line in a gale has an ulterior motive. But I’m just used to doing everything by myself. I’m not a martyr, I just can’t rely on my crap ex so if something needs doing so i’ve always done it!

I think I’m rambling now. I just want to go back to last week when everything was simple but failing that, I need to think how to get through the next few days

Aw, I’m sorry you are going through this op. Let yourself grieve and heal - you have hormones swirling around in the mix too. Dont be too hard on your bf, he sounds a decent soul who is trying to help - maybe let him, and lean on him a bit, he’s probably hurting too and you can comfort each other.

Thank you, I’d been so wrapped up in myself, I hadn’t really thought about how he must be feeling. God that sounds so awful when you say it out loud! I’ll give him a call