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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My mother's affairs/behaviour

13 replies

Asmumma · 16/09/2025 09:07

Sorry Ill try to make this detailed but short as I can!
My mum and stepdad have been together 18 years, married 2017. After they got married my mum's MH got worse (she's always had bad MH due to bad upbringing/had me at 16 etc.) and she ended up going into the priory for a month, she was heavily medicated and when she come out she wasn't the same, she started an affair with another man, was taking my little sister's to meet this man and his kids behind my SFs back. I then found out and confronted her and told me SF, although he kind of thought she was as she had kicked him out for no reason. My mum then started acting 15, she was leaving my 14yo sister to babysit my 7yo & 12yo sisters all night or coming home with random men and her friend who was encouraging her to do this. It had a huge impact on our relationship and we didn't talk, she banned me from the house etc but would text me randomly at 1am in the mornings sometimes saying she was going to attempt suicide but would lock herself in the house with my sister's and a few times my partner had to break in and she was normally passed out drunk.
After about a year and a half of this she decided she wanted to sort her life out, went back into a rehab in Scotland for a month (this was paid through my SF private health care btw) and him and my mum got back together. However the man she had an affair with stalked us all for about a year after, leaving my mum's underwear on her car sitting outside the house and following my sister home from school, but my mum never told anyone until about 6months later she got drunk and told me.
Fast forward 7 years, her MH is still up and down and she drinks excessively and hides it which makes her moods worse. Her and my stepdad marriage is up and down and his MH declined too a lot leading to a drug problem last year.
Well a few months ago, she kicked my stepdad out again after they was constantly rowing, for him to see her a week later with the same man she had the affair with last time!!! This caused a huge row, with them both screaming at eachother Infront of my sisters, my mum then packed a bag and left. Broke her phone so no one could contact her. Eventually a few days later I found her at her friend's house, I tried to confront her in which her friend called the police on me. She then got in contact with me and said she was going to sort herself out but she wasn't upset about the way shes acted or made me and my sisters feel, just blamed it all on our SF and how she hates him blah blah
She said she would stop contact with the guy she had the affair with and stop drinking.
Well she hasn't stopped drinking, but two weeks later decided she missed my stepdad and stupidly my stepdad has gone back to her!!!! And then she told my little sister's to lie to me and not tell me they was getting back together!
I confronted her again but she turned it all on me and said I make her feel bad and talk to her badly and hold too much anger. She only really talks to me now regarding my son, and I feel too guilty to stop him from seeing her as they have a good relationship but I am not over what just happened, neither are my sisters but we get made to feel bad for approaching them about it.
I just don't know what to do. Sorry I don't know if anyone can even offer any advice on this or have been in a similar situation. I am just drained from it

OP posts:
noidea69 · 16/09/2025 09:12

The only advice i would give is to try and get your sisters as far away from her as you can.

Shortdaysalready · 16/09/2025 09:40

I feel tremendous sympathy for you OP but given your mother's behavior when she was supposed to be the caregiver for your young sisters did you not contact Social Services? If she was passed out drunk in a locked house with young children in the house then that is totally unacceptable parenting behaviour.
I take it your sisters are still young so if you haven't reported her already then surely you must now. The psychological effects of their upbringing will be devastating for them.
Your mum and stepfather have serious addiction problems and it's not within your power to fix them. Or to fix your mother's mental health. All you can do is safeguard your younger siblings and look after yourself and your own mental health and welfare.

Endofyear · 16/09/2025 09:48

Sorry OP it sounds like a total nightmare, I'm not surprised you're feeling drained. I would honestly keep your son away from your mum and the chaos, it's not depriving him, it's protecting him - she is not safe to be around. Can you offer your sisters a safe haven when they need it? I'm surprised social services haven't intervened to be honest.

Asmumma · 16/09/2025 09:49

Thanks for both your replies
I was only 18 at the time and I wasn't quite sure how to handle it, it didn't cross my mind at that point to call social services.
As of now, two or my sister's are older and one is 14, I had her stay at mine whilst it was all happening this time round but inevitably she wanted to go home to her own room and back to normality.
It is just sad as from the outside you wouldn't think my mum or SF are like this, it's only their children who truly see it and suffer from it and I honestly don't want my son to ever see it. I saw a lot growing up and suppressed it for years until I had counselling after having my son a few years ago. My sister's don't remember her and my dad's seperation but I was around 6/7 and was dragged into it a lot and heard and saw a lot I shouldn't of

OP posts:
smallpinecone · 16/09/2025 09:54

I’d concentrate on your son. He’s your priority now. He’s your future… your mother is the past. Put a period and move on. You can’t help your mother and she won’t change - there’s nothing you can do. If she wanted to do things differently, she would. Leave her to it. The only life you have any control over is your own.

smallpinecone · 16/09/2025 09:57

I don’t mean that as unkindly as it sounds. I’ve been through something similar with my own parents. And it took me a long time to disengage from it all, to realise I had no control over the situation, and realise I couldn’t help them even with the best will in the world.

Asmumma · 16/09/2025 10:03

I just feel so sad and disappointed, I could never behave towards my son the way she has with my sister's but everyone around her praises her and thinks she's an amazing mum for being so young and everyone feels sorry for her as her mum was emotionally abusive towards her (so you would think she wouldn't be towards us!?) and her dad went NC with her when she had me.
But I know that I will be portrayed to be the bad one if I stop my son seeing her, I know it will cause more drama but I don't trust her with him to not drink. I'm already the bad one for confronting her and pulling her up on her behaviour.
I just don't want to end up like her she craved her mum's attention whilst I was growing up it's all I saw and heard about, because she wasn't the mum she needed/wanted and I see how it's made her!

OP posts:
5128gap · 16/09/2025 10:15

I'm not sure why you keep confronting her? Other than keeping an eye out for the welfare of any child siblings, then I'd be keeping well out of it. Her affairs and treatment of her husband are not really your concern given he is as aware of it as you. In your position I'd be keeping contact to a minimum and allowing her contact with my child only under my strict supervision and getting on with my own life. Because your involvement is changing nothing and upsetting you.

Asmumma · 16/09/2025 10:21

I confront her mainly for the sake of my sisters, all their arguments have been Infront of my sisters and I have been called on many occasions to have to come and calm the arguments down or comfort my youngest sister.
My mum also emotionally manipulates my second from youngest sister, after my mum's affair 7 years ago my sister developed a severe eating disorder and attempted overdoses and is covered on her arms and legs in scars from self harm, this went on from the age of 13 to only a year ago. This was because my mum spoke to her like she was a friend and made her keep a lot of her secrets, and my sister carried too much guilt and was told too much detail on my mum's life.
I do know whilst she was at school and had the eating disorder etc that CAMS if that's what they are called was involved but nothing ever really come of it and I don't think they was a huge help

OP posts:
Asmumma · 16/09/2025 10:22

God when I write it down or tell people outside of my family I feel like it looks like I'm making it up because it sounds a lot going on! Sometimes I can't process it

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 16/09/2025 14:03

Asmumma · 16/09/2025 10:03

I just feel so sad and disappointed, I could never behave towards my son the way she has with my sister's but everyone around her praises her and thinks she's an amazing mum for being so young and everyone feels sorry for her as her mum was emotionally abusive towards her (so you would think she wouldn't be towards us!?) and her dad went NC with her when she had me.
But I know that I will be portrayed to be the bad one if I stop my son seeing her, I know it will cause more drama but I don't trust her with him to not drink. I'm already the bad one for confronting her and pulling her up on her behaviour.
I just don't want to end up like her she craved her mum's attention whilst I was growing up it's all I saw and heard about, because she wasn't the mum she needed/wanted and I see how it's made her!

I will be portrayed to be the bad one if I stop my son seeing her,

The people who react badly to a boundary, are the ones who benefitted from you not having it.
Let them react badly, it shows you it was needed, youre putting that boundary in place to safeguard your child. To prevent them going through what you know she is capable of. Let them react badly. You're advocating.

R0ckandHardPlace · 16/09/2025 14:07

Is your Mum bipolar? It’s so difficult to navigate when these awful behaviours are down to a MH condition but you still need boundaries to protect yourself, and especially your children.

Asmumma · 16/09/2025 14:45

No I understand that, I just feel it will cause more conflict and I somehow come out the bad one in it. She's often the victim even when she's done wrong
I think my mum may be bipolar, although she's had more metal help than anyone I know and she's never been diagnosed with anything just given different meds but I know she's only on sertraline now so nothing majorn

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