Dealing with parents separating as an adult

[EnchantedToMeetYou2]

Specifically with regards to Christmas. How on earth am I supposed to manage this without me being the bad guy?!

Parents have split this year - and are absolutely not on speaking terms.

Since having DC, DH and I have always done Christmas Day the same way - family are welcome to pop in and see DC and spend time during the day with them (which they all love to do!) and I put on a bit of food etc, but come 3pm it’s door closed, just us and DC having our Christmas dinner. DH spent his Christmas days being split between households and dragged around various family members and that’s absolutely not the way we want things for DC so we started our own tradition from the start.

This has always worked well as my parents had Christmas together, DHs mum spends it with her partners family, and his dad and stepmom have always spent it with her kids.

This year my parents will each be alone. Both have repeatedly commented on the fact they will be alone and would love to be able to spend it with us and DC. I can’t have one there and leave the other on their own. And I do not want them both there together as the atmosphere is horrendous when they are together and I won’t have DC around that.
One has local family who they are very low contact with and one has close family but they are in another part of the UK and neither can travel to each other due to work commitments.

I work over the festive period and will be working Xmas eve and Boxing Day this year so having one over on another day isn’t an option.

I just have no idea how to approach it and I know this will set the standard moving forward so I want to get it right 🫠
AIBU to ask for your solutions please 🫠

@Cynic17 This would be the ideal but unfortunately my work prevents me taking holidays over the festive period. I only have Xmas day off.
Parents also both work through the festive period. One has no family or friends to go to. Other has no friends, does have family but in another part of the UK and they’d be unable to travel to each other due to work.

OP, they are adults. Just because their situation has changed doesn’t mean yours needs to. Give the one who drives a slot when they can come round, and tell the other one that you’re sorry you won’t be seeing them at Christmas but it would be unfair to leave the DC on Christmas Day to fetch and take, and they will have to come round when there is public transport, or pay for a taxi (or when YOU are prepared to fetch and carry). Their change of circumstances is not your problem, and don’t let them make you feel guilty about it. It’s quite simply not fair. Christmas this year is on a Thursday, so invite the non-driver over on the Sunday before or after, or whenever your day off happens to be. They’re old enough to cope!

@Imgoingtobefree Thank you for this. I know you’re right, I think it’s just with the chaos of it all this year I’m trying to eliminate any other areas of conflict 🫠

I have always been very firm with boundaries since having DC. I will not have them growing up seeing the toxic relationship that I did.

Big girl pants on and “we’re spending Christmas Day just with DC this year” is the way it’s going to need to go I think.

I’d carry on as normal , doors close at 3pm. This new dynamic is not of your doing so any arrangements outside your 3pm are theirs to sort . It just may galvanise them into getting a bigger social circle so they aren’t alone again.

That’s up to the OP.

You've never done that before so you don't have to start now.

They are grown-ups and will have to sort it

Splitting breakfast and lunch is enough

I think you have to be firm on the fact that it's not your responsibility to sort any of this out. And just as importantly - internalise that fact! Properly believe it and act as if you do.

So - keep the arrangements as they always were. Anybody is welcome to come when they like. Absolutely do not get involved in sorting out "slots" - it's not your responsibility to do that kind of thing for other adults, and you'll only be blamed anyway if one of them overstays or gets 20 minutes more than the other or whatever. Stay out of that.

If they can't be there together, it's down to them to arrange times between themselves. They can't manage to speak long enough to do that? Oh dear, what a shame that that's how they want to behave. They end up there at the same time and become rude and argumentative? Then they're asked to leave as anyone would in those circumstances. One or both of them can't come at all in that case? Oh dear, of course we're very sad that you're choosing to do that - hopefully see you in the New year.

I know it's really difficult but you absolutely owe it to yourselves and DC not to spoil your Christmas just to pander to other adults who are responsible for their own actions.

This is what i will say to mine when they are grown. As long as we can still celebrate together, i dont care what the date is. Same for bithdays etc

This is a situation where the phrase "don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm" applies. Good luck! Remember: someone's going to be miserable, so make sure it's not you.

Whilst I understand that you feel sad they are likely to be alone at Xmas, this is NOT your problem to solve.

I’d tell them directly, as soon as possible, that they are being utterly unfair to you and your family in expecting you to a) take sides and b) resolve a difficult situation entirely of their making, including the lack of driving ability and lack friends and other family connections!

They have loads of time to resolve this dilemma in ways that don’t involve wrecking your Christmas Day celebrations. Especially as this is one of those precious Xmas’s given the ages of your children. In just a few years, your DCs won’t care about much except sleeping in, how much money they’ve got for Xmas and moaning about not seeing their mates!

You could stick with 'nobody for Christmas this year's whilst inviting one for US Thanksgiving and the other for Burns Night ie. late Nov + Jan dates so it's not Christmas x 3 - you might have more holiday flexibility at work then.

I think, given they must know they do not get on, it's fine to tell them that it's their behaviour that is the issue with them both coming to sit down dinner.

None of our extended family live nearby so we try and do a visit the weekend before Xmas to mine and around new year to DH's. Could you say to both parents that you can't see them on Xmas day in person but visit the weekend before for a big meal or pub lunch, and visit the other parent the week after Xmas? Kids love getting an early & a late grandparent present!
You could facetime on Xmas day as well.

Then that is their issue to deal with, not yours

Do you have a sibling? One at your house, one with sibling, swap next year?

"1hr round trip each way" - what does this mean? 🤔

@pomers One, but not one that has any contact with our family unfortunately (due to no fault of my parents I will add.)

@Upsideyourhead Yeah, sorry 😂 I didn’t write that very well. One hour round trip to collect and bring to mine and another to return to them.

You explained it perfectly well the first time! Not sure what the confusion was and why the 🤔 emoji was needed.