Dealing with parents separating as an adult

[EnchantedToMeetYou2]

Specifically with regards to Christmas. How on earth am I supposed to manage this without me being the bad guy?!

Parents have split this year - and are absolutely not on speaking terms.

Since having DC, DH and I have always done Christmas Day the same way - family are welcome to pop in and see DC and spend time during the day with them (which they all love to do!) and I put on a bit of food etc, but come 3pm it’s door closed, just us and DC having our Christmas dinner. DH spent his Christmas days being split between households and dragged around various family members and that’s absolutely not the way we want things for DC so we started our own tradition from the start.

This has always worked well as my parents had Christmas together, DHs mum spends it with her partners family, and his dad and stepmom have always spent it with her kids.

This year my parents will each be alone. Both have repeatedly commented on the fact they will be alone and would love to be able to spend it with us and DC. I can’t have one there and leave the other on their own. And I do not want them both there together as the atmosphere is horrendous when they are together and I won’t have DC around that.
One has local family who they are very low contact with and one has close family but they are in another part of the UK and neither can travel to each other due to work commitments.

I work over the festive period and will be working Xmas eve and Boxing Day this year so having one over on another day isn’t an option.

I just have no idea how to approach it and I know this will set the standard moving forward so I want to get it right 🫠
AIBU to ask for your solutions please 🫠

Breakfast with one and lunch with the other maybe?

Just be honest with them both - you can't have them to lunch and leave the other parent out but they're both welcome to drop in earlier in the day (different time slots!) They're both adults, it was their decision to split, it's not fair to put you in the middle of it!

@Eenameenadeeka It’s definitely the whole sitting down to Christmas dinner that they want

Lovely Christmassy breakfast/brunch with one (perhaps that one stays over on Christmas Eve) and Christmas dinner with the other (perhaps that one stays over until Boxing Day).

unfortunateky it doesn’t leave you any time as just you, your partner and child together but maybe that’s ok for just one year. Things might have changed by next year

I feel your pain.

I think stick to your already established position of doors close at 3.

There is plenty of time for them to each pop in and spend some time with you without overlapping. They should be able to negotiate that without involving you.

Otherwise you have to set up a cycle of parent a this year, b next year, in laws year after and its not what you wanted.

I did a few Christmases where I did breakfast with parent a, lunch with parent b and then dinner with the in-laws. It wasnt fun and after the event each person held it against me. Breakfast parent complained they just got breakfast and that was the crap bit of the day, lunch parent complained we were full from breakfast and rushed off, dinner parent said we were exhausted and not much company.

Neither for Xmas dinner.

I should add that my inlaws gracefully stepped out of the Christmas fight.. They suddenly announced there were 12 days of christmas and celebrate with us as late as the 5 Jan if need be.

@Endofyear I know, it’s mainly my issue. I hate the thought of either of them sitting alone and not sitting down at a table to Christmas dinner.
They have never had a great relationship, it has been very toxic for as long as I can remember. One made the decision to leave and has left the other in a terrible position financially. There is definitely no innocent party though - both have contributed equally to the mess of the relationship.
One also doesn’t drive and would be unable to get to us on Christmas Day without us going to collect them (1h round trip each way). Which also feels like a pain considering we already have DHs parents separately, his grandparents and then mine now individually to deal with visiting.

If I could be booking a holiday then I would be 🫠

I wouldn’t have either for dinner. They are adults and need to start making independent plans for Christmas.

See them over new year maybe?? I would just shut the door on Christmas day and keep it for you and your partner and little one

Swap your meals around have breakfast with one.
A buffet at lunch with the other and main Christmas meal in the evening just your immediate family? Or alternate years.

But really they should be able to see this is not a situation you should be put in. Its their marriage, their issues if they cant be civil for the sake of their own children and grandchildren than they need to understand they loose out and neither get Christmas lunch or they agree on alternate years.

I'm quite fortunate my parents split 3 years ago and my father went off with a younger woman never to be seen again. So I have only my mum to think about but I still get, 'I've woken up alone' or 'i had no one to open presents with' because my rule is no one before 12 except my adult dc. I just ignore the comments now.

I'd be tempted to text them both what you suggest happens going forward and then its up to them put your boundaries in now and let them either accept or not.

I absolutely think it's reasonable to have Christmas in your own home with young DC, but your doors closed at 3pm policy seems a bit miserable and inflexible to me.

@Gagamama2 No room for overnighters unfortunately. This would be the ideal solution in most cases but I know this would cause the “they got to see DCs get their stuff from Santa” 🙄🙄 we have pre-schoolers and that would be the ultimate prize for my parents to get over each other.

Carry on with what you always do. See them separately n different days. Don’t allow their toxic mess to poison your happy family.

@Fearfulsaints eurgh, I’m sorry you know what it’s like!! Honestly, everyone focuses on parents splitting when kids are young (quite rightly so!) but nobody tells you how to navigate these things as an adult 🫠😂

@Zempy Neither would have anywhere else to go unfortunately

If you’ve never had them for Xmas dinner and you don’t want to start then stick with that. As hard as it is you’re not responsible for sorting out their mess.

offer what you’re willing- maybe one to come Xmas eve for dinner, let dc open a present with them and then the other comes Xmas morning. It’s tricky if one doesn’t drive as public transport will be limited. Maybe that parent can book a hotel on Xmas eve?

@Shellyleppard1 I work over new year too - as do parents. It’s purely the Xmas day/dinner issue.
I think I’m just going to have to say nobody is coming and deal with the fallout. I’ll feel horrendously guilty all day though 🙄 but that’s my own issue

So it’s not really about seeing you all at Christmas, it’s about “winning”?
I wouldn’t be entertaining that at all.
If the problem is you feeling guilty then banish those thoughts. Your parents are trying to include you in their games. Focus on your own kids.

They are competent adults, they can arrange their own Christmas days, for goodness sake! They can each go to friends, family or book a holiday. Or they could just stay at home and have a nice day in - it's one day, a mere 24 hours, what is this ridiculous obsession with "not being alone"? They're not your responsibility, OP - in fact, if I were you I'd be booking myself a holiday, so there was no danger of them dropping round!

@EnchantedToMeetYou2 sorry but I would rather just have a peaceful family day x

We have a family morning/breakfast to ourselves with ds and alternate who we have dinner with every year between my family and dh's family.
(My parents and in laws still host the main dinner, couldn't host Christmas in our 2 bed flat but we always bring pudding or something.)

So my suggestion is to alternate who gets the lunch invite and who can pop in for a bucks fizz in the morning.x

@namechangedjustforthisthreadtoday We started this as we had 3 sets of guests from DHs family, plus my parents and nobody had any respect for the fact we also wanted to be able to sit down to a meal. They didn’t want to come and have dinner with us, but wanted to be able to come and go as they pleased and be waited on.

Its not your responsibility to solve one of the consequences of them choosing to divorce.

Stick to your guns, your responsibility is to your own family (DH and children), and it should be a fun day for you.

You could even try and reframe this as an opportunity to start a new tradition by having NO visits on Christmas Day - think how lovely that would be for you.

I'm advising you from the position of being a divorced mother of adult children who has had to cook her own Xmas Dinner and eat it alone and to be honest it’s no big deal. The absolute last thing I’d want is to make my DD feel bad about it.

But even if your parents haven’t got to this stage yet, it’s time to put in some boundaries, about what’s best for YOU and DH and DC.

I don’t think it’s even up to you to come up with suggestions for them - they are the grown ups.

@Candleabra This year with it all being so fresh, it’s 100% about “winning”.

I have always kept them at arms length due to how toxic their relationship is - I don’t want my DC growing up seeing the chaos that I did.
But, in fairness to them, they have always respected my boundaries when it comes to how they behave around DC and they are lovely grandparents.

Im hoping things will settle as time goes on but currently, I wouldn’t trust them not ruin Christmas for DCs