MIL AIBU

[Ninettas]

My MIL came to spend 2/3 days at ours. She’s never helped with the kids, never helped me changing a nappy or having a break. We have an adorable SEN daughter that we need to support and a young 7 month old baby. Every time she comes to see us she spends most of the time on her phone scrolling social media or pictures, every now and then looking at the girls or us. We have to tell her to put the phone away and she vapes in the guest room instead of going in the backyard. The last two visits she came with a ‘friend’ who got the train with her and then went to a hotel whilst she was staying at ours. My husband and I never met him although all she does is talking about him. During both stays she spent one day with us and the other day with her friend having walks in the city center leaving us alone and coming back home at 9pm or 10pm without even seeing the girls. She said several times she needs this time to relax and have a break. I told my husband that I don’t want this gentleman to stay at ours in the future as I don’t know him and I don’t want to become a holiday home for his mother who keeps saying this is her friend and not being honest with us. I also quite resent the fact that she’s never shown any real interest in helping us during the most difficult times with our eldest and all she cares is herself. Today she was supposed to leave and go back home and she said she was not feeling well after she spent most of the day away with the gentleman yesterday coming back home when we had already gone to bed. She asked my husband if her friend could come to ours to spend time with her as she was unwell and they had a joint ticket to go back home, she didn’t want him to wait for her to feel better. I didn’t like that fact she put us in front of a request we could not debate between us and it made me feel quite uncomfortable. She started playing the victim as my husband said I would not be able to entertain the gentleman whilst he was at work and I was with my baby at home. I was quite furious as she left in a mood as we didn’t allow him in the loft with her. All I see is a woman always self absorbed who rarely looks at us and at everything we have to do, she constantly commiserate herself and complains how bad she has it. I honestly don’t feel comfortable hosting her with this guy as all I get from his family is work and problems and zero support, only words but no actions. I felt bad when she left the house barely looking at me as clearly took offence at us not wanting her friend to come to our place. He is clearly not a friend, all she talks is him, she comes to see us only to have time away from her little village with him and this morning she didn’t even bother to say goodbye to my eldest before she went to school. I am very annoyed at her. Am I being unreasonable ?

You are her holiday home. Why doesn't your husband say no to her using you like a hotel? She sure doesn't care about your kids. I'd toss that vape if she's vaping in the house after you told her not to.

Don't do a thing for her. Let your husband run around. You're too tired or not well. And no, don't let her bring some random man into your home around your kids.

I can see why you're pissed off. But, where you're unreasonable is expecting childcare from her.

She said several times she needs this time to relax and have a break.

And what about your time to relax and have a break? As an MIL she presumably doesn't have young children to wrangle. You have two, a baby and an older one with high needs.

She definitely sees you as a free hotel - either she's out with her man 'friend' or she's in your house but not bothered about engaging with any of you. I think you'd be perfectly justified in telling her to stuff it (perhaps not in those words).

What's DH's view of her visits?

@outerspacepotatothank you ! My husband yesterday told her it was difficult decision at the same time he said that if they become partners we’d have to host them at one point. However the problem is that if we allow that she would only come to have her break and I don’t like it. Maybe I phrased it wrongly as I don’t expect childcare and I also understand she needs company in her life so I’m happy if she has someone she can spend time with, I just didn’t like that she was trying to force him upon us using the fact she was not well and when she didn’t get it she told my husband who is the most caring person and father you can imagine on planet earth ‘dump me ‘ at the station which I found unfair on him who is such a gentle soul. I was honestly so pissed off as I thought I was dealing with a teenager and all we need is just a bit of peace after the difficult years we went through. We are finding a balance now and I now have to deal with this. My point is don’t you want to dedicate the time exclusively to us ? I am a very kind person and I always try to see everyone’s point however on this I am struggling as what I went through with my eldest was so traumatic that surely I would expect a bit more participation and attention to the girls. Again at the same time I feel guilty as I don’t want to hurt her as I am someone who always try to have peace in life especially after having kids.

Not all Grandparents are particularly interested in thier Grandchildren. They aren’t bad people, but they have done their time child rearing, and don’t want to do it anymore.

If it’s a condition of being in your home, that they are more engaged with the children, be very clear about it.

TBH, her being out of the house, seems like a bonus to you.

She’s met a new man, and is in that “early” stage where you want to see each other all the time … which is fine, just not in your house. You absolutely entitled to say that.

Maybe next time she will stay with him.

She obviously isn't coming to spend time with her son and his children. She is using your home as a base to meet her 'gentleman' friend and to have a free holiday.

If she is ignoring your children, I wouldn't put myself out for her. If she wants a holiday with this bloke, she can book into a hotel with him.

This. The OP seems to think her MIL has reneged on some kind of bargain that she gets to stay in their house in exchange for childcare help, but that’s clearly not what she’s signed up for. And, as her presence seems to be an irritant, I’d have thought the OP was happy for her to be out all day?

@Gymnopediemy husband is such a good man, good father and son. It’s unreal and I’m very lucky to have him. He is trying to understand my point however he has a different point of view on hosting him as he is a fairly relaxed person. I had my parents here when I was about to deliver however my mum was very involved with my eldest , she was picking her up from nursery every day and also supporting me on the day to day. In January when my daughter was admitted to hospital for bad flu and I was as well bed ridden at 38 weeks with the same flu my parents flew here to help giving me the chance to focus on the delivery and when we go to them they help us loads. My parents are not the type of people of telling me they need here to have a break and they would never dream of leaving us to tour or have their own time as they have it all the time. They’re here for us and they enjoy us. But I know it’s not fair to compare and it’s something I try to avoid with my husband as it’s not his fault.

YANBU to not want this man in your house.

YABU about pretty much everything else. Who do you think you are to tell a grown woman to get off her phone?!

Can’t understand why gp’s don’t want nice relationships and memories with their gc . Like your parents I would jump at the chance to help when needed. Your mil sounds extremely selfish hopefully if she’s offended at her friend not being allowed to stay and will put some distance between herself and you for a while.
prioritise you DH and children they come first and look after yourself. ❤️

@ThejoyofNCI didn’t tell her in fact😂 I know being on the phone is a universal right nowadays and I would not violate it 😂

@BluePerilthat’s a fair point. I’ll take this approach

I agree. Grandparents have a life of their own, she clearly would rather be with her friend right now.
If you don’t want your home used as a holiday home suggest she stays in a hotel and visits at your convenience.
Your mil has brought up her own children and would probably prefer be out doing other things now, or sitting in a dark room with a bottle of gin getting over years of gruelling child rearing 🤣

OP, it is not reasonable to expect help with your DC. Some grandparents are happy to give it, but some feel that their child-rearing days are done - and some feel that they are simply not capable any more - they are all valid points of view. I have gladly looked after my DGC, but it is hard work, and it’s much more tiring when you’re older! What I don’t understand is why your MIL didn’t stay in the hotel with her friend - it would have been far more reasonable for her then to ask if she could bring him over to yours for a meal and to see the DGC, and you wouldn’t have expected any help, and her vaping wouldn’t have been an issue. I’d make it clear that you’re not running a hotel or a holiday home, and that you won’t mind at all if she doesn’t stay at yours - maybe she thinks DH would be insulted if she didn’t. You’ll just have to accept that she doesn’t want to do childcare - it really isn’t reasonable to expect it if she’s unwilling.

@sesquipedalian thank you for this point of view. I understand this and I take it onboard. I only would prefer her not to ask to have him here as it puts me in a difficult position.

@Sarahpaintingfair enough 😂 but she can avoid asking me to have the friend here at home. I understand you don’t want to help but I also would like not to be in the position to cater for their romantic beginning.

Obviously she can't bring a strange man to stay in your home. Next time she wants a visit send her links to Airbnb.. Dh can meet her for lunch. She has no interest in having a decent relationship with you or her dgc.