To feel stuck in the middle

[Bigfishlittlefishcardboardbox39]

I’ll preface this by saying I’m a people pleaser and don’t particularly like confrontation.
DC (7) has a friend from school, let’s call him Jamie. Jamie has been over to ours a couple of times and equally DS has been there a few times. Jamie has older siblings and a chronically ill mum, dad is the main care giver. We’ve moved and now live very close to Jamie so the kids have seen each other a little more (I’ve helped with school runs whilst dad was visiting family) Jamie isn’t the most polite child, helps himself to food in our fridge (we’ve had 3 play dates so isn’t overly familiar), doesn’t have good manners and today asked DD 4 “as a dare” to pull her trousers down. When DS went to Jamie’s they played video games that are not appropriate for a 7 year old and was told rude words in his language. I’m trying to limit play dates as my DH doesn’t want DS to play with Jamie. I’ve said no for a while, to the point Jamie’s dad messaged and asked if he’d done something wrong, I felt awkward so didn’t say anything (I know I’m pathetic).
This term had started and Jamie and DS are back to begging for play dates, my husband is a firm no to DS going round there but I let him come over yesterday as felt that would be a good middle ground. DH wasn’t happy, when Jamie was collected DS ran to the car and then there was the usual “when can I go to Jamie’s house” to which my husband stayed silent. It’s incredibly awkward and I don’t know what to do. I don’t particularly enjoy Jamie coming over but I really don’t know how to manage it.

I think you need to explain that you aren’t happy for DS to play video games unless they are particular ones you allow at home. As for the rude words, depending what they are but I would assume they are age related words and leave it at that as a one off - he could easily have been told them at school and already knows them in one language anyway.

i don’t know what the words are but today Jamie said “my sister once said the n word” my child doesn’t even know that word. Luckily my DS didn’t hear

Did you actually speak to the kids dad about him daring your 4 year old daughter to pull her pants down?

Also what are you stuck in the middle of? You’re part of a married parenting team surely? It’s not like your DH is being OTT here

Why havent you explained about the dare to your dd4 or the computer games? Why remain silent?

Why are you deferring to your DH? I would have a conversation with the other dad-certainly about the video games and the dare, but the rude words and the helping himself from the fridge aren’t really a big deal. Particuarly considering he’s having a hard time at home. I would also make sure most of the play dates are at your house where you can keep an eye on things.

You sound like a doormat.

Why are you so casual about your child being asked to pull her trousers down?? Isn’t that enough for this child to never set foot in your house again?

I’ve said no for a while, to the point Jamie’s dad messaged and asked if he’d done something wrong, I felt awkward so didn’t say anything (I know I’m pathetic) By failing to say anything, you aren’t pleasing any people at all. You’ll have two little boys who won’t understand why they aren’t allowed to play with each other anymore and the child’s dad who has clearly noticed that there’s a problem there and will be thinking all sorts because you aren’t being honest with him.

I think you should speak to your DH and discuss whether he’d be willing to let the friendship continue if these issues could be sorted out and, if so, message the dad and say ‘I know I said nothing was wrong but I felt you had enough on your plate and didn’t want to add to it, but the boys obviously still want to play together so I need to say something. Jamie is a nice boy but he’s been teaching DS to swear in <language>, DH and I are concerned about DS playing video games we don’t think are suitable for his age group when he’s at yours, and Jamie has dared my 4yr old DD to pull her trousers down. I’m sure it’s just silly fun but it’s not something that DH is prepared to let carry on. Happy to chat if you think it’s something that can be resolved?’ If DH still doesn’t want them to spend time together, ask him whether it’s better to have them spending time at yours, where you can keep an eye on them, or leave them to the school playground, where he could be teaching him anything in any language.

Also, the trouser pulling down thing needs to be stopped in its tracks immediately; could a chat with his teacher and/or SG lead be appropriate here?

You sound like you feel like you're stuck between Jamies Dad, your DH and two seven year olds. What do you think? How would you like to see this play out? What is the best outcome for your DS?

I’ll preface this by saying I’m a people pleaser and don’t particularly like confrontation.

Please don't, it's an incredibly annoying excuse that most people can see through.

If you're going to care for someone else's child in your own home, you need to make that child know your boundaries and rules - like no helping yourself to the contents of the fridge and definitely no daring your DD to pull her trousers down.

Then, as part of that responsibility you need to inform his parent that he dared your DD to pull her trousers down and used racist language.

It has nothing to do with people pleasing (if it had, you'd want to please your DD by making sure that never happened again) and certainly nothing to do with 'confrontation. It's just basic adult communication.

If you can't manage this, I have no idea how you're going to manage your DC's lives going forward.

Your DH should be explaining to the friend's dad what his misgivings are, if he feels so strong.

FFS, why is it always the women who are expected to address these issues! He's a patent, too.

What exactly are you in the middle of? Do you want to be on the receiving end of a phone call saying your son has pulled a girls clothes down at school? Because children often copy their peers.

Maybe he’s trying not to publicly undermine his wife who is determined to go against him just to be a doormat. Of course she should also want to have standards for her children.

I feel so stupid coming on here as I’m totally inept at dealing with a difficult situation, I didn’t hear the trouser situation but I am going to raise it shortly with Jamie’s dad. I am not trying intending to be a doormat I just wanted some advice on how to deal with the situation as I am the only one who does the school run and I don’t wish to make a situation.

And yes maybe that’s part of the problem!

When it comes to advocating for your children you NEED to make ‘a situation’ sometimes. YOU and your DH are responsible for keeping your kids safe and teaching them how to have boundaries and make good choices, you can’t avoid it because the school run might be awkward. Speak to the kids dad in a calm friendly way, and how he reacts is up to him, ask your DH to do it if you’d rather but you don’t ignore crap behaviour that goes against your own parenting just for an easy life. If you don’t want to be confrontational about it then atleast let your DHs standards rule here, you are a team so back him up.

Thank you. I know that I do. I know I need to do better.

Can your husband talk to the Dad? - as he is the one demanding your son doesn't play at his house?

Fair point, well argued.

Perhaps OP could afoptba strategy where DH is the Hard Parent so that OP can be Good Parent and thus avoid the school run awkwardnesses.

My sons had a couple of friends who I would have over to play or for tea, but I didn't allow my sons to go to their houses. I told my sons not to ask if they can go to X house because the answer will always be no - when they asked why, I told them that I didn't think X parents supervised them enough. They understood and stopped asking. I don't know what they said to their friend & I don't know if it was relayed to the parents and to be honest, I didn't really care what they thought. If you don't want your son to go there, you are going to have to put your big girl pants on and just tell the dad why.

At the point where he asked dd 4 to pull her trousers down, I would have taken him straight home, told his dad and banned him from the house.