Is this normal behaviour from a 13yr old

[kittycat2014]

My 13yr old daughter had scratched her phone on purpose, she did it with a pair of scissors, as she wasn't able to go to an afterschool club after hanging up the phone to me on her way to school.
I've since then seen something quite nasty that she's written, about how she doesn't love me, it's all fake, I'm fat and ugly, how she wants me to die and wished that I would be stabbed to death, and then drawing a picture of me being stabbed and saying PLEASE!!!
I can take the fat and ugly and her not loving me, but for her to write how she wants me stabbed, is this normal?

I have a son that age not a daughter but no this doesn't sound normal to me. It's an extreme over reaction!

No, this isn't normal. That's an inordinate amount of rage. She sounds like a deeply unhappy child. Do you know what's going on in her life? Is this a surprise too you?

Does she have access to social media?

I didn't mention that she is ASD, was classed as 'aspergers', her behaviour isn't a surprise, she has severe mood swings, doesn't want to socialise with her friends, doesn't even want to have any friends. Teachers have not raised any concerns, they say that she is happy, interacts with her peers, etc.
We have always found it difficult to manage her behaviour, but has become increasingly difficult, very defiant, shutdown with communication.This morning she wanted to set the house on fire by pouring water into an electric socket.
We have tried all kinds of parenting approaches and been consistent, but have not seen any changes.

No advice OP but she sounds pretty disturbed. The fat, ugly bit and scratching her phone would fall into pretty normal teenage "angst" but it isn't normal to want your mother stabbed and it isn't normal to try and burn the house down. Has she seen anyone professional (not sure what's available)?

Not normal at all. Teenagers having tantrums when things don't go their way is normal what you have described is not a normal tantrum.

I have an ASD teenage girl and she doesn’t display that kind of behaviour. There is some unhappiness and need there, hope you can get to the bottom of it x

It’s an extreme reaction but the question is it common place for her or a one off? Kids at that age have extreme reactions sometimes. Once in a while I wouldn’t be too concerned - they have a lot going on at that age. But you obviously need to sit her down and have a talk.

No mine wouldn’t. Her phone is her most treasured possession. Teenagers do push boundaries and that’s normal. But this doesn’t sound like that. Can you ask for help from the school safeguarding team as a starting point?

That is massively troubling behaviour and definitely not normal.

She needs expert help of some kind. Would your GP be a good first port of call? Otherwise refer her to the school’s DSL and they can hopefully escalate it appropriately.

I would be very wary if amateur diagnoses on here.

Where is she with puberty op? My neurodivergent daughter took a big kitchen knife and stabbed my pillow about 20 times when she was 10 and just starting puberty. Shes 14 now and our relationship is incredibly close and loving.
She’s had therapy and we talk a lot, we got through it so there’s definitely hope for you and your girl.

Thank you for all the comments, I think I have used the ASD to mask the behaviour. I'm at the end of my tether and I really want to help her, I'm going to call the doctor to be referred to CAMHS.

My ND DD had a really hard time of it going through puberty and changing school at the same time. She had violent thoughts and thoughts of suicide and self harm. We got her help, different counselling. Another thing that helped her is getting a puppy that sleeps with her and having good friends at her new school.
But honestly I think it was the big rush of hormones that really set her off and now that's settled she is much happier.

I have a 13yo DD who can have meltdowns, cry that I don’t love her, nobody cares about her etc - slams the door etc. I think the behaviour you describe is unusual.

That's one child and one reaction.

My ND DC (who is younger) acts like this OP, extreme reactions and goes to the to worst place first when under stress. Talk of stabbing / killing others and themselves. It is worrying. We have tried but struggled to get any help with it unfortunately.

Why did she hang the phone up on you? Was it because she didn't like what you were saying?

It all seems extreme but the ASD and hormones are probably mixing badly

Therapy. She needs to speak to someone

I think it could be understood in the context of her autism. It sounds like she's struggling to manage her feelings when she feels her needs aren't being met. It sounds a bit like a PDA presentation, where her brain has perceived the interaction as a threat and gone into overdrive.

It sounds really difficult. I hope you're ok.

That's really touching to hear that you and and your daughter have a close and loving relationship, you're right, I think therapy and talking will help ❤

I was calling to see if she had got to school OK as she hadn't called me, which was her usual pattern.

Asd then yes she can have extreme reactions/emotions

Yes AuDhd son has said all kinds of things when he’s in meltdown. Like he hates me and wants me to die, how he wants to die etc. to him it’s just words, there’s no meaning or understanding behind it. It’s just something to say to get a reaction.