I don’t know what is best for my DD

[CotBedMug]

My DD is my second, she’s nearly 2. My eldest has just started school.

She never settled well at nursery when she started at 8 months. I reduced my hours so she does less days and only now over a year on does she seem to engage with it and have fun, though she still cannot manage long days very well. I pick her up early when I can. For a long time she would be completely silent at nursery (unless crying). She does 2 days a week there and a day with her grandma. I know that the nursery is generally good, ofsted outstanding and my son was there for 4 years. It isn’t that the nursery is a terrible place.

She can come across as shy and very clingy. She takes a while to warm up to new situations and if we are somewhere new she will want to be touching me at all time. She gets upset if we go somewhere and she thinks I’m going to leave her with the people there. I don’t have a problem with this a lot of it feels fairly developmentally appropriate but this is quite different to my older son. I am there for her and give her the comfort she needs with some gentle encouragement. She is only just starting to be able to sleep all night in her own bed and generally needs a lot of reassurance. She also has many more positive qualities, she is very good at making herself understood! She’s a daredevil, brilliant at climbing, loves a side and is good at playing independently and with her brother (at home).

I have a professional job and am going self employed and can now choose my own schedule, financially I don’t have to make any money. I would like to but basically I can take on as much or as little work as I want to suit the family.

I really don’t know what to do about nursery. I am very tempted to stop it completely, just let my mum have her 1 day and I’ll work on a Saturday, some evenings and nap times.

I could also try a smaller nursery/pre-school or childminder and just do mornings only, pick her up, give her some lunch and then put her down for a nap which would probably be easier on her than full days. Though I do very much enjoy having her around, I would miss her and worry about her on those mornings.

I don’t know what’s best for her. Should I spend the next 3 years before she goes to school slowly building up her time away from me? Should I give up on childcare completely and try again with a pre school in a year or two when she will hopefully be more confident generally?

TIA

I generally believe that children don’t need separation before roughly age 3. Potty training is a good demarcation point.

My DD was very clingy. Starting preschool at 3 worked well for her. It was plenty of time to practice going to school before it started to matter. She was able to be home with me or her father before that and develop a strong sense of security. I took her to plenty of activities to make sure she was around other children. We did library story times, playgroups at the rec center, art classes, etc.

Tbh we’re almost at potty training now, I just need to take the plunge, she tells me when she goes in her nappy.

How hard is it for them to start nursery for the first time age 3? It’s so hard to know what’s the right thing to do when I don’t really know anyone who’s children aren’t in nursery.

Anyone else?

I think you should keep her in a nursery setting, but three half mornings a week only.

She was very, very little when she first started, and she's still very young to be away for a full day imo. With her grandmother is one thing; a many-to-1 setting is something different.

All children are different so please don't compare her to her brother. She will get there, in her own time and in her own way. She's not defective! She just needs something more from you than your son did, but equally she needs to learn to separate from you for short periods of time. As long as the nursery is safe and nurturing, don't remove her - just increase the amount of time you spend with her. Basically it's like naptime: the better they sleep during the day, the better they sleep at night. The more she's with you and understands deep inside her that you're not going away/"abandoning" her, the more confident she will feel that when you do go away/"abandon" her, you will always come back and she will always have you.

Is she NT?

So far as we know at this time, it’s difficult to tell at this age. She’s 21 months. Her level of clingyness I assume is within the range of normal for her age though time will tell. The nursery haven’t raised anything aside from her being very quiet. She is starting to use her words there now too.

If possible, I would keep her with you. But I don’t necessarily agree with the “they have to learn to be apart from you” line. I think that it is better for them to form the strongest possible attachments and then they feel safe to be apart. I am aware that this is a “luxury” option, and also a very minority one.

I tried both my DD and DS with nursery at age 2 and neither of them took to it well. I took them out as I didn't need them to go, I just thought it might be nice for them to have other kids to play with for a couple of sessions a week (and I had a few hours to myself!). They both settled at their Primary School nursery much better though at age 3, for 3 hours a day and then found the transition to full time school pretty easy as they knew the school and what to expect. My DD had a wobble for one day settling into nursery, my DS took a couple of weeks, but they are 14 and 10 now and have always gone to school without an issue.

Plenty of people have no choice but to persist but if the main reason is because you think she has to go to help with her clingyness/development/social skills, I'd say it might have the opposite effect and to wait until she's ready and a bit older.

If she’s settled there I’d persevere with it and just do 2 half days and the day with your mum,

@Twotinydictators and @CurlewKate I am conscious that she is finally beginning to settle where she is and it might be easier for her to carry on here in a reduced capacity to keep the familiarity with the setting and the people rather than stop completely, forget all about it and then have to go through settling all over again.

I guess the other thing to consider is that when she is 3/4 I would probably change her to a term time only provider anyway, which I guess meeting keeping the familiarity wouldn’t really pay off though one course I wouldn’t have to move her.

I do think you are right generally though that working on building a strong, secure attachment is the thing that will help her the most with future separation.

I think there is a consensus in the research studies that children under the age of 3 do not benefit from being in a nursery or similar setting, they are better at home…with the important qualification that of their home is neglectful or unsafe then of course the opposite is true. I know many children in nursery from much younger than 3 they all seem absolutely fine tbf and to enjoy it.

Given your DD is showing the signs she is, and your flexibility work wise, I wouldn’t hesitate to pull her out. If she then goes back part time at 3 or so to help prepare for school, it might be another adjustment, but I still think it’s worth it.

I think her ‘clingyness’ is so natural, given the young age now and even younger age at which she began attending, that I hesitate to even call it that. Of course she wants to be with her mummy. The only reason really to send a child at this age is because you have to. You dont have to, I would absolutely give her what she wants and let her feel as secure as possible. The alternative would lead to more long standing separation issues I think.