Struggling after infertility news – feeling heartbroken and guilty

[ForAmpleBee]

Hi everyone – long-time lurker, first-time poster, so please be kind.

This is probably more of a rant than anything constructive, but I just need to get it out.

My partner and I have been TTC for 4 years with no luck. I have a daughter from a previous relationship (she’s 8 now) and my partner has been in her life since she was 2. She calls him dad, and he absolutely adores her – they’re incredibly close.
We always suspected there might be some issues on his side – he was an IVF baby himself and his brothers also had trouble conceiving – but now it’s been confirmed: we won’t be able to conceive naturally. We've been told we’ll need to go down the donor route if we want to have a child together.
He’s devastated, and understandably so. But here’s where I’m struggling – I’m heartbroken too. This man is the love of my life; I’ve known him since I was 11, and he’s truly the best person I’ve ever known. I want to be his rock, his support system through all of this, but I feel completely crushed. I didn’t expect to feel this level of pain, and I honestly don’t know how to process it.

And then comes the guilt… I already have a daughter. Shouldn’t I just be grateful? Why do I feel this sad? Am I even allowed to?

A big part of me wishes it was me that wasn’t able to conceive so that I could take all this pain away from him.

Has anyone else felt like this? How did you cope?
Thanks for reading if you got this far ❤️

So sorry to hear your devastating news. I can’t speak from experience about infertility but as a step parent myself since DSC were young (3 and 6, now 9 and 12) I can imagine the unique pain your DH might be feeling to not have his own biological child whilst stepping up to parent your DD. That’s going to be really tough to navigate as a family do heart goes out to you. I wish you all the best ❤️ and of course your feelings are not unreasonable.

you can feel however you feel… it’s a devastating blow. It was me with the issues when we got our diagnosis and I was blindsided. I was desperately hoping it would just happen one day but it was confirmed that it would be a miracle to conceive naturally (with a risk of ectopic)
Is it worth investigating some counselling? I wish I had as some of what I felt didn’t come out for a few years and when it did it was all balled up with other events.
Take care xx

Also in same boat and we have no children- trying to decide what to do next. Very difficult and heartbreaking situation. We are desperate to be parents and dont know how we are going to make this happen as we need make a right choice by a child too- donor vs adoption. Sending a hug x

So sorry to hear this. You are absolutely entitled to feel grief. As of course is your DH - he will be having very complex feelings right now.

DH and I also could not conceive a child together - issues on both sides. We opted not to pursue gamete donation or adoption. We’ve built a good life together and have no regrets.