WWYD

[Newname71]

I’m going to try and keep this as brief as possible but need to know WWYD.
We had the same neighbours for 20+ years. Our children grew up together. Mum and dad split up and divorced. Mum stayed next door with her 5 kids. 3 years ago mum sadly passed away and the house was eventually sold.
Through my work I’ve come into contact with dad again. He’s told me that his late ex wife’s family have turned all 5 kids against him. Apparently a lot of lies have been told. Knowing her family I can believe this but obviously I don’t t know the truth.
He contacted me yesterday and told me he’s just been diagnosed with cancer. He wants me to let his children know. I don’t know if I should get involved or not. I feel I should just pass the message on but keep talking myself out of it.

I’d stay well out of it. I’d tell him you don’t feel able to do that and keep things strictly to whatever your job with him is.

I wouldn’t say anything. Health is a very personal matter and if he feels like he needs to inform his children he will find a way to get in contact with them directly. He likely has some details about his ex wife’s family so he should attempt contact through them.
I’d probably say “ I’m so sorry to hear about your diagnosis but it isn’t my place to become involved. Sending you strength.”

I would pass the message on but then leave it up to them

He’s phoned all 5 kids and his ex mother in law. None of them will answer his calls. I feel really bad for him. He’s obviously devastated about the lack of contact and now this. But I think you’re right, it’s not for me to tell them.

That was my plan but I keep second guessing.

Could he text them so they can read it without having to speak to him?

No...stay well out of this.
Tell him you're sorry to disappoint him but it's really not appropriate for you to be involved.
Stay firm on it.

I would pass the message on to one of his dc and ask that person to let the others know.

I agree with this. You don't know what's gone on between him and his children.

Is there not a family member from his side of the family who could do that for him?

As an ex neighbour and now distant person from you (as u say you reconnected through work rather than stayed in touch) I would stay out of the drama. Unless you work in a medical setting and know he has cancer I would think carefully that he could be lying about the cancer, and bear in mind they divorced - the “lies” the kids are being told could be true.

I do know the children very, very well. We used to joke about knocking a wall down between our house and theirs as our kids and theirs were so close. We used to spend a lot of time with their family, we were all very close at one time.

He can send a text, or a letter. Absolutely not your place.

He’s definitely not lying. I know this for sure.

I know he lived next door and you feel like you knew them all well but just to offer a different perspective, we had a couple living next door to us growing up. They divorced and his kids no longer speak to him. Apparently he was massively emotionally abusive to them. So even though you like him and see him as an acquaintance, it doesn’t mean the children won’t have a very good reason for not speaking to him and his ex MIL is just a red herring

This is why I’m not certain telling them is the right thing to do. I probably won’t.

This is why I’m uncertain about getting involved. You never know what goes on behind closed doors. Obviously I’m not privy to everything that’s gone on.

If you get involved with his health this may affect whatever relationship you may still have with them.
As others have mentioned he could send them a message and then persist on calling them. Presumably all the children are now young adults and able to make rational decisions based on their feelings. Don’t make things awkward or difficult for yourself. Just

If you're involved professionally then I think it's very inappropriate to get involved.

If the children wanted to hear from him they would respond to his contact.

I think you're really overstepping. The appropriate response is to politely state your professional boundaries.

I wouldn't want to get involved, as PPs have mentioned, you don't really know why his DC have chosen to go NC with him.

If he really wanted to let them know, he is perfectly capable of putting a letter through his ex-MIL's door, telling her he's had a cancer diagnosis, and he would appreciate it if she could let his DC know.

There's no need for you to be involved if you don't want to (and I wouldn't, in your shoes).

I would feel very sorry for him but I also would feel uncomfortable passing on the message. I would go back to him and empathise with what he’s going through and then explain you’re unable to pass on his message then leave it to him.

Sadly you don’t know what has happened and why his children don’t want to speak to him. He could send them a text or even write them a letter. You don’t want to become a go between and end up jeopardising your friendship with the children .

I’m not involved with him professionally as such. Just that I met up with him again through my job. He asked me as a favour as someone who has known him and his family for 20+ years. I’ve decided against being the go between, as other posters have pointed out he knows where her parents and siblings live. He could write a letter. I don’t want to be the one potentially dropping a bombshell on his DC.