33 and never had a relationship

[LearningToDrive123]

I feel so embarrassed posting this. I'm 33 and have never had a serious relationship. I have dated people and had sex. I actually have a DD (10yo), who was conceived through a one night stand. But I've never got past the dating/talking to people stage. I am friendly, nice and I'm told I'm attractive. I get male attention but I've just never met someone who I could see myself actually being with or even fancy. I've had crushes in the past, but the guys I like are always already taken or those ones don't seem to like me back in that way. I know I shouldn't but I feel like such a loser who has skipped an important part of being a proper adult. I would love to know what it feels like to receive a Valentine's Day card, be somebody's "person." I act like I don't care but last night I was crying about it. Will it ever happen? Am I abnormal? :(

Anyone? X

Have you tried online dating?

You got put yourself out there,

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You are not abnormal. It’s impossible to know what will happen but there is no reason why not.

Talking to people is a really good idea. You don’t have to act like you don’t care Do you have sisters or close friends who would listen?

Thank you everyone ❤️ I have tried online dating, quite a while ago. Didn't meet anyone that I wanted to see again and found the whole process a bit soul destroying but you're definitely right that I need to put myself out there .. Instead of just sitting it around waiting for it to happen. Thank you as I needed that reminder .. I do have lots of close pals/sisters and I have tried to open up to them in the past but it always just ends up with them saying how annoying men are anyway and I'm best off single or "you can borrow mine" which although well meaning, just feels a bit condescending and makes me feel worse. X

I think the thing is, there are no straightforward answers, so people say something wanting to express fellow feeling, but without being able to offer concrete advice.

It’s worth thinking about how your well-meaning friends met their partners. If you find yourself saying ‘but I couldn’t / wouldn’t do that’, a lot, think about why.

I don’t mean to be patronising and I don’t have any expertise. My unscientific belief is that it is a) about when one is in the right place emotionally and b) a numbers game, and those things are different for everyone.

I didn't have a serious relationship until I was 32. I spent my 20s dating but they never became actual relationships. I did also think there was something wrong with me and felt to embarrassed to even admit that I was sad about it. But I definitely thought I was going to be perceptually single and would even like awake some nights worrying it would never happen for me.
Then it just did. Online dating was horrendous for me and I actually met DH in real life. After thinking I didn't understand what it took to create a relationship it all happened quite naturally.

If you do actually want to meet someone a few friends have had success with in person dating event. I met my DH through a friend setting us up and I think asking friends for introductions is an underrated tactic. Or if you have a hobby or interest you could maybe join a club or group where you may meet some like minded people.

But I think the most important thing to remember is that you don't need a relationship to be happy or whole or have a fulfilling life.

I am early 50s, had one relationship of 5 years earlier in my life so that's it for me I guess?

I refuse to go on dating apps because (a) they're such a meatmarket-slash-shitshow and (b) I don't especially need the judgment of random mediocre men. I accept that means I am exceedingly unlikely to meet anyone. I made my peace with it and decided to get on with living my life. I also smiled somewhat bitterly at your remark about condescending comments - I totally remember that!

My point is that you can either do what it takes; or get on with life as it is. But don't keep yourself stuck in the wishes and would-bes if you aren't going to do the legwork, cos it'll drive you mad. Make your choice and go with it. I don't mean to sound harsh here, but my own woeful dithering was what caused me the most heartache.

(For me, it's not the wine and roses bits of life, it's the boring and mundane stuff where I would most like someone with me, but hi-ho, off to the tip/B&Q/carpet shop I solo go.... There is a certain freeing element to single life as well though, it isn't all bad.)

Me neither. For me I think it's due to the trauma of growing up with a parent with a lot of problems who was in constant abusive relationships. I never grew up seeing a relationship as a good thing, just a dangerous thing that you had to escape from. In theory I would like a relationship but I don't know if it will happen.

Sorry to hear that @hazelnutvanillalatte.

This thread really resonates. I would like to have wise things to say but I’ve got nothing!

Honestly this isn't as unusual as you think OP. So there's nothing odd about you, get that thought out of your head. And you know what you want. So. Action time. You need to become Little Miss Hobbies and get back to online dating, maybe try a different site. Good luck OP.

Have you tried paying an old fashioned match maker?
Or paying for a night of five minute introduction dates?
Join a mixed sex netball team, volleyball team.
Become a member of a volunteer rewilding or save the environment group.

You have to get out there. Be prepared to go on coffee dates and picnics and bush walks. Orchestrate meeting younger age people with similar interests.
Don't go out with someone who just wants one night stands. Clubbing, pubs after footy etc. are full of drunkards.

Not your fault OP. It’s very difficult to date these days unless you are prepared to drop your standards - it’s called date onomics. I’d also recommend reading about attachments styles.

I've just never met someone who I could see myself actually being with or even fancy.

There's the problem. I'm not sure if there's any advice people can give you because of that.

You fancied somebody enough to have a child with them and have sex with them on a one night stand.

You've met people, you fancied you enough for sex but not for a relationship.I mean, i'm not sure how you change that. What do you actually want.

Do you have much interest in having a sexual relationship or would it be more companionship you are looking for? Just when you talk about never really meeting anyone you fancy.

I’m 44 and haven’t really had a proper relationship….longest was maybe 9 months with an abusive twat who moved himself into my flat, stole money from me and constantly put me down. Then the next one was about 6 months with a guy who was nice but we ended up more like brother and sister than partners. After those I just can’t be arsed with it all. And I’ve also been diagnosed autistic five years ago which may partly explain why I’m so shit at relationships. I read about people with autistic partners on here and they basically hate them so I refuse to inflict myself on people now.

Hey OP, I'm 32 and the way I see it from your story, you have had your child to focus on raising so I think it's quite normal that if you hadn't had relationships before then you wouldn't whilst bringing her up either. Also guys in their 20s might have been put off by taking on a child.
I was a late starter but have had a few relationships,currently single. I have been down about it honestly, because I would love to marry and settle down but just finding the right man hasn't happened yet! (or rather the right man finding me). Be proud of the fact you have raised a child by yourself. I don't have much advice because I'm in the same boat of yet to find someone, so I guess we just need to keep on trucking in a positive way until it happens! I would say don't be intimidated by a lack of experience, it really doesn't matter in my opinion. If it feels right then it will be right.