Neighbours kids...

[Humpf07]

I have a 4yo, neighbour has an 8yo.

At every opportunity 8yo is knocking on our door and wanting to come in to play. Initially it felt like there was give and take and my 4yo was going over to play at his too...but this is now dwindling and increasingly 8yo says they can't go to his but expects to come to ours.

I know the answer is to start saying no to 8yo but my 4yo gets so upset and I end up negotiating with 8yo and trying to console/control and hysterical 4yo on my doorstep...

The clear up afterwards is insane and the kid is soooo loud. Shouting at Alexa from another room, slamming doors, banging on my bannisters, running bottom to top of house (2 flights of stairs)

I feel like i'm constantly "having a go"

AIBU and Any advice?

I would have a chat with the 8 years olds mum. Just say your 4 year old is too young to play outside yet and you find it hard managing them indoors in your house all the time. She will hopefully stop them calling all the time or take her turn having them at hers. Shes probably loving having her kid babysat all the time 😅

Suggest the 8yo asks him dm when it's best you all meet at local park. When that never happens the dc can blame the other dm not you!
Stop answering the door. Shout from a window Not Today!

This sounds eerily like unpaid childcare, which is teetering on CF Territory....

Unless you're able to speak to the mum and have a chat about future "playdates" at hers.

It's just a habit, the 8yo is just reeling through a repertoire of things he can do and your house is one of them. It's a case of breaking this habit by saying 'not today' enough times. You could have a chat with mum, depends how comfortable you are with that but if it was me I would say as other ppl have said, just be honest really 'its a bit too much for me with the two', or 'i just a need a bit of notice so would prefer to make a bit of an arrangement first'...most reasonable person would understand.

Also age gap seems a little odd...perhaps it's worth just hedging towards a few more playdates for DS with other 4/5 year olds so it's not such a disappointment. Sounds like this 8yo isn't the best role model!

What is CF territory?

I wish it could be that easy... 4yo is a highly strung, very determined, only child.
It's like the world is ending.

8yo is like a fog horn, never accepts "no" and just walks away.

We are right opposite each other.. they can wave from windows in houses.

Sorry but kids always want to go to the other persons house..my son does this all the time when I hear him speaking to friends..it's never a case of saying you could come to mine, it's always you could ask your mum if I can come over.
You need to start saying no and ignore the tantrums your child has as a result..

Yea we even have 8yo's sibling (12yo) rock up at times.

I'm just gobsmacked that they are so unaware... I would never let my child knock someone's door at the frequency we are experiencing. Especially when dh is a shift worker.

Speak to the child's parent to explain that his requests to come and play are setting off your own child. Ask that they discourage him from asking.

Meanwhile, develop distraction techniques for your own child. It won't be easy, but what's the alternative? Would you rather deal with a tantrum or hours of the neighbour's kid's noisy play?

If you do let him in to play, make it less work for you by limiting where they can play and what's available. They can't make as much of a mess if there are only a few toys out. Tell him he'll have to go home if he can't play more quietly. No shouting to Alexa. If your house is less fun to play in, maybe you won't be his first choice.

Cheeky Fucker territory....

How frequently does this actually happen? How many times this weekend, and last week?

some children are desperate for others to be around all the time. I have two like this. My 9 year old knows the limits now but my 5 year old asks literally every day after school if he can have a play date and then has a meltdown when the answer is no. He does have people over to play around twice a week (or goes to theirs), and sees cousins at weekends, and has siblings, but STILL wants more.

Say no and just accept that the fallout is inevitable. Don’t feel guilty. Or scared to say no. When your kids starts tantruming about it be sympathetic (as it is disappointing) and suggest doing something together instead. if they won’t try to calm down and keep screaming about it then they go into their bedroom to calm down and have some quiet time.

Also…an 8 year old wanting to play with a 4 year old, not understanding boundaries, and being super loud and crazy while over at yours all screams adhd to me. Doesn’t change anything about the situation but the kid may need it spelled out more and the mum might be turning a blind eye because she is bloody exhausted with the kid / grateful to have him out of the house / can’t control him effectively

Urgh when I had 3 small dc the bloody door never stopped.. Older 2 were OK to potter on the drive /in the cul se sac but not the youngest. So ndn dc used to ask to play in the garden.. Every day.
So we got a dpuppy.. Suddenly the door went quiet!!
A rottweiler dpuppy.
Best
Money
Ever
Spent!!

It was nearly everyday in the holidays..
We started escaping to a family members holiday home for days at a time - weekly.
Then luckily the weather was good so other days we lived at the park/library but often got collared on way out or/and on return.

It was starting everyday after school but we have absolutely squashed that... lo being 4. He's shattered and starving.

One weekend my partner took lo out.
Kid knocked at 10am - I ignored.
11am - I answered to "can I come in?" "No"
"Why not?"
"Lo isn't here"
"why where is he?" "He's always there" "why does he go so often" "when is he back?"
"I dont know yet but probably too late to play"
12.30 lo and dh return... kid is bounding up the drive again.

I say "he is literally getting out of the car and needs lunch come back at 3pm."

Kid then knocks at 2pm and told to go away not 3pm

Then comes back at 2.50pm... at which point I gave up the will to live.

Of course he stayed until 5pm then pushed it some more

Fuck that. Is the mother lacking in social skills? Who would let their kid pester someone like that? Don’t know what you do going forward but I always found the best thing was to not start it in the first place.

I know, she can't be oblivious to where her kid is going.
She knows my dh is a shift worker -long hours, stressful job.

When they moved in they were so aloof. Amongst it all It does make me chuckle to think how others (neighbours) opinions may have changed of them when they hear the holy hell that erupts in my house when that child arrives here.

I wish we hadn't started it.. but we were sitting ducks from the off.

It must be a total nightmare. I think id keep saying no to the kid and have to ignore my son’s meltdowns. It may take a while but you can’t let this continue. Wishing you luck

My DS is 8 and wouldn’t want to be playing with a 4yo. Sounds like the boy is lonely. Which as mean as it sounds, isn’t your problem. You need to set boundaries, maybe specify a day/time a week you’d be happy with. Is your 4yo at school?

To be fair if I was the 8 year olds mum I wouldn't want to be responsible for a 4 year old either but that likewise means you don't have to accommodate her kid. Let him find friends his own age for play dates.

I have an eight year old and a four year old. Both boys. They rarely play together and my oldest would never dream of knocking on a neighbours door to play with a four year old. They are at different stages developmentally and physically. You are being used as childcare. It’s not a healthy friendship to encourage if the eight year old is rude and won’t do as he’s told. He will also likely introduce your child to things he is not old enough to play. Not because the other child is bad but because of the age gap. You should firmly put a stop this and help your DC to find friends his own age.