To not want my unwell mum to come on the hen party?

[hennythenhen]

We have been invited to a hen in a European city, we are not the 'main charchaters'. The plan is full on with activites, parties, and hostel style acccomodation. My mum has significant health issues — very limited mobility (uses a stick, struggles with stairs), severe anxiety, and she also drinks. She can’t walk far, avoids bridges, and is claustrophobic.

She’s insisting she wants to come and has asked me to help with the booking, but I feel like I’d end up babysitting her all weekend and miss out. She says she’ll “just skip the bits she can’t do,” but realistically there’s a lot of moving around and she really struggled the last time she flew.

There’s also a huge back story between me and my mum. I’m an only child, and since my childhood I’ve been dealing with her alcohol issues, neglect and abuse, 'parentification', I have huge abandoment issus from her coming in and out of my life as and when suited her. Then taking me from a secure house to live with her and an abusive man. I’m only now coming to terms with all of that.

She has let me down yet again this weekend on something else, she also let my child down this time too. She knows I am hurt, but then I felt so incredibly guilty that her knowing I hurt, hurt her so I end up going out of my way to make her feel better. Because I upset her.

She asked me to book her onto the hen and send the money to the organiser. I said "no, the baby was being fussy and i needed to get him to sleep." I actually ended up in the doctors with him last night so I wasn't lying about him needed me. She hasn't text me back since then, it has been nearly 24hr and I feel awful. I am worried she is drinking because of what I have done

If she comes I will end up having to hold back, as she won't be able to keep up with the group. There is one activity that under no circumstances would she do.Then the other one I really do not think she would enjoy. I feel awful like I am being ablist that she should not come beause she is sick.

But I honestly cannot cope with being her carer. I want to go, I want to enjoy the hen. Let my 'hair down' party and dance. Not have to look after my mum who is only in her 50s and should be completely able to look after herself. I feel so selfish! I know she can make her own decisions and I wouldn't tell her she can't come but I really wish she would just choose not to.

YABU - she is your mum, if she decides to come you have a duty to look after her

YANBU - it sounds like she should sit this one out

I think it's time to draw a line about what you won't do to protect yourself. If she can't even sort the booking herself, how is she going to manage the rest of it? For me this isn't ableism, it's your mum continuing to try to manipulate you. Say you can't book her on.

I think you’re going to need to be really honest with her. You don’t think she will cope with it and you can’t be responsible for her for the weekend.

It’s her choice if she still comes but you won’t be organising it for her and you won’t be her carer.

Who is the hen do for? Can someone else suggest it will be too much for her?

You need to stop feeling guilty. The only one hurting people is her. She knows what she's doing, it's manipulative and horrible.
Please get counselling for yourself and do not book her on to the hen do.

Who is the hen for?

I don't think you should feel guilty at all. She'd ruin it for everyone else. She's not bothered about whether you'd have a good time or not - she just puts herself first. It sounds like it would do you good to have some time away from her.

Your childhood sounds awful, OP. Have you thought about having therapy? If you can't afford that, try putting your situation into ChatGpt - I've done that and it's been really helpful.

What's her connection to the bride? If a relation, could another family member have a word?

You can book her flight and her room (preferably far away from yours!) and that's it, is there a big group travelling together or are you all going separately? I would be tempted to book her on one flight and have an excuse to go on a different one yourself. She said she just won't bother with the bits she can't do, so take her at her word and behave as you would to any other adult there.

Who invited her, if it's so unsuitable? Let them look after her if it was their idea.

If she drank last night it won’t be because of you, it will be because she is an alcoholic.

please do what is right for you. The first time you say no will be hard but the more times you do it the easier it will become.

Make this a turning point in your relationship OP. You telling your mum firmly and assertively 'no' is long overdue. You have the absolute right to a life unrestricted by her demands on you. You just need to grasp the nettle. The first time is the hardest because you're worried about consequences. But really, what's the worst that can happen? She'll drink? She will anyway. She'll be upset with you. Well, that's probably less unpleasant than her ruining every social event you go on that she fancies joining. Do it this time and next time it will be easier.

"I am worried she is drinking because of what I have done."

She's making you feel that way but you are not responsible for her drinking.

Have you tried contacting any of those charities that help the relatives of alcoholics? I think the UK one is called Al Anon.

Sadly, she thinks the hen do is a great excuse to have a lot of drink, whilst you take care of her.

I predict her drinking will quickly be out of control and you will be dealing with that and with her refusing to co-operate and telling you off in front of all the other guests

Tell her what you think. She can rage but she knows it is true, Tell that you will not be going if she does and the other Hens will not be looking after her either.

If she threatens to self harm, raise a concern with social services and her GP.

Who will look after your son whilst you are away ( please don't say your Mum she is not a fit person to look after herself much less a baby)

Do not let anyone bully/blackmail you into bringing her on this hen do. It will absollutely end in tears. You may have relatives saying "Awh she just wants to enjoy herself" but none of these people will be prepared to wipe up the vomit or escort her screaming from a restaurant.

Do not book her flights/room. If someone else does.. Give the Hen do a miss and let your other relatives find out what dealing with her is like.

She's not your responsibility.

She sounds like a much older woman (I'm 45 and have an infants age child) and I assume her poor choices are part of that.

Stop feeling like you have to make excuses with her and just say "no mum, it's not suitable for you". And if she pulls her finger out her arse and books herself (she won't) then just leave her to it.

Build your walls around what you can handle, and you have enough of your own stuff to handle!

You need to create some boundaries. Her actions are hers to own and not because of anything you say or do. She is an adult and responsible for her own actions.
I’d be clear that I wouldn’t support her to
get to the destination or during the trip. Step back from her generally in your life.

She can’t walk far, avoids bridges, and is claustrophobic.

Well hopefully that European city is not Amsterdam. Thousands of bridges and millions of tourists.

But she's got a cheek wanting to come - is she invited? - I'd be having none of it.

She’s an adult and can make her own decisions but you need to set the expectations in advance and ensure you still with the boundaries you have in place.

I am sure you have heard the phrase used in Al Anon:
You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it and
You can’t cure it.
Unfortunately your Mum’s drinking is something you can do nothing about- it’s her choice not yours.
You sound like you have what is often called “co-dependence”, I recognise it as I was very like this too. You are too kind to someone else and not kind enough to yourself. Your own boundaries are very important. It’s time for you to say NO to your Mum. She is not well enough to come. Honestly, look into those boundaries and don’t let her spoil stuff for you.

You are not responsible for your mother’s sobriety or happiness. You are not her carer. She let you down as a child, she is now letting your child down. To me that would be unforgivable. I would go no contact from now on.

Who’s the bride? Do you know she really wants your mum to come? The whole thing sounds totally unsuitable for your mum.

A lot of replies here and I honesly am surprised - in a good way! I thought everyone would say she is sick you need to look after her.

A few points.

• yes she was invited on the hen
• We are related to the groom but not 'key players', she has met the bride a hand ful of time. It was kind of them to invite us to celebrate and get to know each other.
• If she comes physcially and mentally she just will not be able to keep up. Someone will have to go at her pace. I have told her it will not be me. She has said she will be able for it, she won't. Someone will have to step up. If it is not me then it will ruin someone else's experience.
• She won't get drunk at it, that at least I know. But she will 'I don't like to make a fuss of it, but I have xyz health issues and struggle to do lots of things. My DD is great she takes care of everything for me'. She does hav health issues, which are 100% real and valid and debilitating. They are most likely caused by alcohol abuse, but I do believe that is also an illness. But that particular illness is one she will not address.
• I told her I wasn't booking it that she would need to do it herself and she hasn't replied to me since.
• She wasn't going to be looking after my DC, she just was supposed to come up and be in the house with us so that I could hopefully get a few essential jobs in the house done. But I would have been there the whole time too. My older DS was looking forward to seeing her. But from Wednesday she stopped taking my calls so I knew something was up.

I have been going to counselling for 10 months now. It is helping with a LOT but I am really struggling to put boundaries in with my mum. Every time I do, she feels really sad and I feel like I need to fix it

@Iloveacurry we are on the grooms side and not immediate family. The bride won't care one bit if my mum isn't there. I don't mean that in a nasty way. Just that it won't be letting the bride down in anyway

I would be bluntly honest. 'It's too much for you, Mum, with your health issues and you'll spoil it for others. If you decide you are going then I'm going to skip it, because I'm not prepared to fork out all that money to go and be your carer. It's selfish of you to think of going'.

If she argues say, 'OK, well if you insist you can go abroad then clearly your health issues aren't that bad and you won't need any help from me in the future. If you can do 'fun' stuff then you can cope with all the crap'.

And mean it. Ignore any sulking. Stop feeling guilty about her - she never feels guilty about you by the sound of it.

Tell her no. She's your mother anyway, not your friend. A hen is for friends. The boundaries need to be maintained!

You need to cut the apron strings and not let your mum manipulate you so easily.

I know, I am working on it! I am getting a very clear picture of myself and it is pathetic. I am still that small little girl saying,
'I promise I will make everything OK for you and you will be happy at last and won't abandon me again. ' I have put in some pretty big boundaries over the last year. So it is a work in progess

it's ok, it's very hard not to be influenced by our parents' approval. Keep on going and remember you can do it.

read / listen to ‘co-dependent no more’. It’s a game changer