I want to leave him

[Mistytreees]

I am 26 weeks pregnant with my second baby, our toddler is 2 years. We have been together for 10 years and have a house etc together. He is from Italy and I am from New Zealand so we do not have much by way of family support as we live in the Uk. I am just exhausted from the complete lack of connection and empathy. I am so sad all the time and I just feel like he does not care. I l work more than him and earn significantly more also (I think this is a source of frustration for him). He does a lot looking after our toddler, but not more than 50%. I however do all the mental admin and chores like organising child care, doctors, potty training etc. I am working until 10pm - midnight most nights (after usually taking 2-3 hours in the evening for dinner/bedtimes). I am so tired. But he will not for example let me sleep in on the weekends instead making me get up with our toddler or if he does agree to take a morning he makes a big deal of it and then ensures that they play in the bedroom for a long time so I am fully awake and then goes downstairs for a bit before coming back up, and making me take over whilst he “rests”. I am so tired it is making me sick. I am worried for the health of the unborn baby and me. I don’t know how to describe it but I also feel like he gets pleasure in breaking me. Today for example, after I had been sick all last night and said how I was still sick this morning he just pushes and pushes me until I breakdown. I have now been crying for hours and cannot go outside as i am so sad and he just filmed me crying and told me I had to clean up some biscuits left by our toddler on the couch. I feel so desperate I have no idea what to do. I don’t want to contact my friends as I feel bad showing them how awful the situation is and my family is too far away. We have no connection either. Any evenings he has free he is either on his phone or at the gym. O just feel so awful with it all.

Are you married OP? Do you own the house jointly/rent? I would look into how to manage financially if you split. It's possible that you might end up having to manage a toddler and a newborn on your own, he may not be willing to have the children at all so plan for that - maybe nursery/childminder for your little one?

Do you have friends / family who can support you?

Tell your friends, please.

This sounds very sad, is he always like this or has it got worse during pregnancy? What did he say when you discuss it eg that he's agreed to get up with the toddler but stays upstairs which wakes you up? Unless you address it he can feign innocence, or even be innocent, and it's not an unreasonable conversation to have.

Anyway, do you actually want to leave? It sounds like you have a decent income so could support yourself and juggle kids as all single mums have to.

Think about what it would look like. Who owns the house? Would you stay there or go? How supportive would you expect him to be with the kids? Will he be there at the birth? If not will he have the toddler?

Its a difficult situation and needs planning.

Thanks. We own the house with a mortgage. I have inputted a lot more and there is a legal equitable split re that. I could take it on myself but he could not. I think he would demand the kids and be difficult about that. The difficulty would be getting him out of the house. I would probably have to agree to sell and start again. Also it is difficult because neither of us have family in the UK I would be scared he wants to go back to Italy.

No he wouldnt demand the kids.

He would say he wants them but if he can't even be arsed to clean a few biscuits up, do you really think he wants to parent kids?

See a solicitor and speak to womens aid. Filming you crying is not OK.

I’m not sure if I actually want to leave. I am just desperate at this stage and cannot stand crying every day and my toddler seeing me so upset. It is hurting him also which breaks my heart. I think I just wish there was someone around to tell him to wake up. He has always been quite selfish and it got much worse during the first pregnancy and postpartum but then I was hospitalised for a month and it seemed to get better (I think he realised what it took to look after a toddler) but now it is just starting to come back again. I have tried talking to him so many time and writing letters and texts etc. I just do not think he will ever get it. He is quite deluded. He genuinely thinks he does a lot more than he does. I remember when my mum was staying for a bit he said that he was washing the pumping gear every night and had bought all the baby clothes which was completely untrue and at least my mum was there to point it out to him. But we do not have a third party in the house or close to us to do this all the time.

I would speak to a solicitor and find out your options and what you would need to do to prepare for a separation. Then you can think about it but from an informed perspective and you will be able to go straight ahead with it if you need to.

Your current situation sounds unsustainable. I’d also chat to your friends. Good friends will be supportive and want to help you, even if it’s just to let you rant or to have a snooze at their house.

I’m not sure if you are aware but in England any sickness taken from work due to pregnancy cannot be counted for a disciplinary. If you need to take time off for exhaustion, which is understandable, make it clear that it’s pregnancy related.

@Mistytreees Hi OP - I’m sorry. But filming you crying is abusing behaviour. I think you say that you’re not sure if you want to leave because you are in this situation so it might feel normal to you but it’s not at all. You don’t need a third party to tell him he’s doing wrong. He should know. To give you an idea my husband who works in financial services (so extremely long hours think 60 plus hours a week) would always do the night feeds on Friday night and Saturday night as well as I would lie in on a Saturday morning. And he would on a Sunday. I didn’t prepare food (except pumping breast milk for my baby), he didn’t need to be told the bath time, nappy change anything. He would just know. That’s what an involved dad should do.

Thank you x

If he demanded 5050 of the toddler would that be ok? If so leave asap

You could start 5050 immediately in the same house and he be in charge of bed times and early wake ups
i suggest you book yourself a hotel for the week or weekend (before you tell him it’s over) and go and get some rest, what’s he doing to doc dump you?

Sounds like a sociopath to me. Seek counselling immediately so that you can talk to someone about this. You need someone irl on your side.

thank you. What does doc dump mean?

Please discuss how you are feeling with your midwife, you are working too hard and too long. Maternityservicesneed to know how you are feeling and they wkeep a closer eye on you and for after baby arrives. You should explain to work that you need to do regular hours at this stage in your pregnancy. You can go on mat leave from 11 weeks before due date and I would suggest this is a good idea for you. Could a family member take time to come over and support you? You should be worried for your health, I couldn't do that and I am not pregnant. Have you the funds to have a maternity nurse when the baby arrives?
My DD1 is about 16 weeks pregnant and I have been going round to keep on top of house as she has a demanding job which involves travel plus a 7 year old. I am planning to take two weeks off when baby arrives to be there so she can rest as much as possible as we all know how difficult it is to adjust to night feeds etc. Please ask for help from someone, it might make your partner realise what a useless prick he is being. Also leave him when you feel strong enough, he is a waste of space and cruel too. Sending hugs.💕

Thank you. I really appreciate your kind words and advice. I am going to try to rest and take stock. I am a partner in an international financial services firm so there is no asking for time off or adjusting my hours as I am technically self employed but obviously need to service my clients and meet financial goals. It does however mean that I can pay for people to help out. I will start looking for help and line that up for when the baby comes. Between now and then I will see if my cleaner can come more regularly and also see if I can emotionally divorce myself from his behaviour and what I perceive to be a lack of care or empathy and just compartmentalise him and have the mentally that I am doing this myself and thus have no expectations of him. I did that when we had our first and found that it helped. It is just really sad to be going through this alone again without a partner or family. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. It means a lot.

@Mistytreees I'm so sorry to hear this, he sounds awful. As a fellow kiwi I feel quite worried about you without family support. Will your mum come over again after this baby is born (sounds like she did previously?) Sounds like you have a bit of a plan but it sounds very lonely. Could you take a couple of days sick leave for some peace and quiet and rest? (Is he out of the house at work?)