DH lack of contact when drinking.

[cattymac]

AITA here? Genuinely needing some perspective. My husband doesn't go out a lot. Maybe only once every couple of months. It's usually with work colleagues or family, but mostly involves him staying in a hotel or with family overnight. He has no concept of when he should stop drinking, he drinks an excessive amount and loses all track of time and the fact he has a wife and child at home.

I have anxiety disorder. When he goes out overnight, I ask him to let me know he has arrived safe and got back to wherever he is staying safely. I don't message him outside of this, I leave him to it to have fun and relax.

Ive told him how important it is to me that he contacts me to let me know he's okay, as anxiety gets a bit out of control.

He never does this. I don't hear from him until sometime the following day. If I try to call in the evening or morning if I've not heard from him, he doesn't answer.

This has happened again last night. He was with family.

Am I expecting too much here? Am I acting like his mum? Help!

youre expecting too much. He's not a child. Nor should he be the person to alleviate your anxiety. Learn to manage it yourself, you'll be so much better off and happier <3

Thanks, Jilly. Appreciate your comment. I guess I just find it difficult that such a small thing means a lot, but he doesn't do it.

I think you're putting your anxiety disorder onto him here.

How much meaningful help have you sought/continue to seek for it?

I think a quick text to let you know he's arrived and what his hotel room is like etc, is a normal thing to do.

If I'm 3 sheets to the wind on a night out, I don't want to have to be trying to focus on my phone screen to let my husband know I'm slumping into bed.

I think you’re expecting a little too much. When DH goes out, he might occasionally text but I don’t expect it, and vice versa.

If he goes overseas or a long distance, he generally texts to let me know he arrived (before the drinking commences) but that’s about it.

Yeah so I voted unreasonable but to break it down:

you’re not unreasonable to worry that your husband is a shit drunk and could get himself into trouble with the way he drinks/reacts to drink and reassurance would be nice

BUT you are unreasonable to expect someone who gets shitfaced to that degree to give any thought to you while he’s that drunk.

The fact that he gets that drunk is (in my opinion) a massive character flaw and I have ended a relationship because of that in the past (much more than once in a while in my case) But you presumably value him enough that this isn’t a deal breaker.

The anxiety is the only thing you can try to control in this situation - CBT can be good - if you haven’t already you could see if your gp surgery lets you self refer to the online course the NHS has.

Yeah I think you're right. It's the excessive drinking that feels like the real issue. But it isn't often. And he is a wonderful DH otherwise.

I think the hardest part is that I've said it's important to me. It's something that matters. But he still can't do it. 😞

It doesn’t have to be often to be a problem.

True. Thank u

I know my anxiety is mine to deal with, and I’m not expecting DH to ‘manage’ it. But I don’t think a quick text to say he’s back safe is a big ask, it’s basic courtesy in a marriage. I don’t pester him when he’s out, I just want that one message. I’d do it for him without thinking

He shouldnt have to do it that's the point. It's not his fault you have an anxiety disorder, you should be focusing on learning to manage it.

My partner gets upset if I don't let him know I've arrived somewhere safely and I get that as I worry too. So we message when safely arrived and if we are travelling back home alone e.g. train and walk from the station, then keep in contact but if with people then we don't only when leaving to come back.

I would assume his friends / family would make sure he got back to his hotel safe but with excessive drinking and they leave him to it then yes i would be concerned too.

So I understand where you are coming from, I guess it depends on who he is out with...

I think it’s reasonable to expect a text saying ‘here safely’ if he’s travelled some distance.

A text when back at the hotel seems unnecessary as I expect it’s very late and he’s drunk - are you waiting up?

Why is a grown man getting so drunk regularly? That’s a bigger concern.

I love a drink, go out infrequently, but do drink a fair bit but never more than enough to be giggly, merry etc. Never incapable.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all expecting the man you are married to, who is supposed to love and care about you, to let you know he is OK when you are, quite rightly , worried about him.

There are a lot of posters on MN who like to normalise heavy drinking. Drinking to the extent of " forgetting he has a wife and child" is not normal. He is a married man with responsibilities to his wife and children and he doesnt, or shouldn't, suddenly become single, and act like a single man , when alcohol is involved.

If he cares for you he should listen to you. Bit it appears his binge drinking and whatever he gets in to on these heavy drinking sessions is more important to him than the woman who is supposed to be his life partner.

I appreciate not a solution everyone would be comfortable with , but DP and I have each other on Find my Friends on our iPhones so in a situation like that you could just check yourself where he is.

I think most posters are being unfair. If he knows you have anxiety and are going to be worried about him he could send a text.
I would be concerned that he values getting drunk with his friends/family above giving you a tiny bit of support. He doesn't need to get drunk and should be more responsible as a husband and father.
Still a lot of people seem to think it's fine to go out and not bother to contact their partner, despite their anxiety.
My ex wasn't a good partner but even if he could manage a quick text.

Not surprising that he doesn't remember to message you if he's drunk and it's just a pointless "check-in". I think that you are expecting too much.