Suicide - finding things hard and want to talk

[HelloSunshine100]

A few months ago an elderly relative died by suicide. There have been family tensions for years and he was mostly estranged from everyone and not very well liked. I don’t know all of the details but I think he used to not be very nice and I know his children had no relationship with him due to having a traumatic childhood with him as their father.
he was always so kind to me and we weren’t very close but he was in my life. The person I saw him as was not the same as other family members have experienced
i feel so sad and keep overthinking things like why he killed himself and I’m finding the way he choose to kill himself very traumatic. And being so old… it would be sad if he had died due to illness or old age but to be so old and unhappy in your final years it’s really upsetting. A bereavement is hard but taking his life feels even more complex and confusing
I don’t know how to feel I feel sad but also conflicted and confused as others who disliked him don’t feel the same about him

I didn’t want to read and run - I am sorry that you lost your relative this way.

There is a saying that every child grows up in a different family, and it sounds like you had a different relationship with him than other relatives.

It’s not an easy situation; you have my sympathy.

I'm so sorry for your loss. We have lost a close family member to suicide also, and a friend before them.

You mourn the person you knew, your relationship with them and accept that other people had a different view of them. Talk about them with people who will support you. Very few people are universally liked so try not to dwell on that.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP.
Any death is difficult and causes a lot of complicated emotions but suicide is especially traumatic.

You should mourn the person you knew and don't be ashamed of having a different experience of him from others.

Remember he is at peace now. And whatever he was suffering in this life is now over for him.

That’s so sad, I’m sorry.
It must be hard if the others around you aren’t feeling the same sadness and confusion that you are. Perhaps you could open up to someone in the family about how you feel. It might have just not clicked with them that you actually got along with him and are mourning him in a different way, and they could be better support to you if they know.

It is probably not helpful to dwell on his reasons, but if he was old perhaps he accepted death was coming and wanted to get it over with, he may have been scared of deteriorating health, which is of course extremely sad, perhaps not as sad as thinking he was very unhappy for years.

Try not to keep thinking about what was in his mind though. Try to keep busy.

Sorry if any of this was unhelpful or not applicable.

Sorry for your loss op. Suicide does take on a different form of grief, I lost my ex husband and father of two children to suicide. Losing him was difficult enough but knowing he did it to himself and not truly understanding why made it all the harder.

It’s so important to feel however you feel. You only have your experience to go on.
it’s obviously a sensitive situation for everyone involved so you might want to be selective who you speak to about all of your feelings, maybe close friends rather than relatives.
you didn’t make any of this situation, you don’t owe anyone to feel any different than you do, own your grief and don’t deny yourself any of it x