To think that, whether it’s parents or family, you always have a chance to turn the tables?

[ForBreezySloth]

People talk a lot about childhood dynamics and how certain family members treat you growing up. But as adults, we’re no longer powerless. We make our own choices, build our own lives and can decide how (or if) those people fit into them. Whether it’s setting boundaries, reusing to be the ‘family doormat’ or even just living well despite their expectations, I think there’s always a way to shift the power balance.

AIBU to think that no matter what role you played in your family growing up, you always have a chance to rewrite the script?

I am a firm believer in * leaving *

You can only talk to people who listen. Some parents have issues including infantilising their children throughout life. You are fighting a constant battle and wonder if your own child will be safe around these people.

In theory, the original post is fine but reality is a different beast. Sometimes the best thing is to just leave your family environment when you’re an adult.

When you’re an adult you make your own choices. Those choices have consequences. Sometimes you’re racked with guilt or keep repeating the same cycles. And sometimes you have no drama and peace in your life.
Make the choice that makes you happy.

If only it was that easy.

I rewrote the script... by having a nervous breakdown that was not in my family's plan for me. Then I started doing what I wanted to do. Then I moved sufficiently far away to avoid daily visits! This decreased family pressure and increased my confidence, independence and levels of privacy (I grew up in a village where, if you're not related to me, then you know my entire family). I was expected to fail and go home. Instead, I have stubbornly thrived elsewhere. As a young female, I was supposed to just submit to family pressure. Now I really like to use the word "No" a lot more.

It has since encouraged another family member to think about getting out...

It definitely isn't easy!

I didn’t say it was easy. But it’s worthwhile.

What makes it difficult?

I think once family pigeon-hole you it’s very hard to reverse it. They expect you to stay in the box they have built for you and if you try to get out of it you will be bullied back into it.

I stepped away from my family and hoped that was the end of it, but for me once they could no longer control me, they then decided to control how others viewed me and spread horrendous lies about me.

I think the only way you can turn it around is if you are lucky enough to be able to move far, far away when you are young, cut them all off and change your name so they can’t track you. Unfortunately that was never an option for me, although I did cut them off.

As someone on the receiving end of this, the answer is no it's not an easy thing to do. Some behaviour and expectations are learnt from childhood that can't just change as adults. If the behaviour is reinforced continuously then that is the behaviour you will always know and no matter how much you may disagree with that behaviour now, unless someone spots it out and tells you/shows you (could be anybody or could be someone who matters most) you will know nothing different.
I'm in therapy about my experiences as a child and how that has hindered my in relationships. Although my family was the problem and how I was treated, then can never be blamed in that way as that's what they grew up like, I just had someone who cared about awful lot about me that didn't want me to be the same and be better in life.
My answer is no you're not being unreasonable, there is a chance for someone to change, but change is not easy, can take time and maybe not an obvious thing to spot. The greatest example I can give would be about the Hitler youth. Some wanted to change and revolt, others were brainwashed thinking that the believes was acceptable in life.

i think this sounds reasonable, and plausible, until you remember that brains are being built and wired from scratch in that family environment. So you’re literally built under these circumstances and it takes a lot of very careful work to get to the point where the nervous system can act in different ways as an adult.

How do I rewrite the script of having been sexually abused as a child?

I’m frightened to disagree with my father because he beat the crap out of me all my life and put his police weapon into my face. I’ve rewritten the script by walking away but now I have no birth family. You say that one can rewrite the script but it’s really difficult. Im a very strong person but it’s been awful. When my sister died he didn’t allow me to come to her funeral.