I really can’t stand being around my brother.
Just the thought of being in his presence makes me feel completely disgusted. I haven’t spoken to him in 4 years, but my parents often put pressure on me to let him back in my life and I feel guilty.
I’ll try to be as brief as possible. Here’s the back story:
I’m 34 and he’s 31. Our mum was extremely unstable narcissistic growing up. He was the golden child and could do no wrong, whereas I was often neglected, screamed at, belittled, and in some cases physically attacked.
Because of this, I learned to be extremely independent and self sufficient. My Dad would enable my mum and brother and often tell me it was my fault, and that I had to behave better as the ‘older one’.
My brother seemed to relish this dynamic. He’d often go running to my mum and make it seem like I was bullying him, and she would attack me for it. He could do no wrong in her eyes, and he was extremely coddled. He wouldn’t use a knife or fork, slept in my mum’s bed, and wouldn’t wipe his own bum until he was about 7.
He was extremely controlling and expected to have everything his own way. We all had to toe the line. I remember walking around in the cold for hours to find a restaurant that sold cheeseburgers (they all did, but he wanted a particular kind).
He was tested for autism and other things but the result was normal.
My childhood was spent walking on eggshells and living in fear of him and my mum. Whereas my mum was extremely unstable and didn’t appear to have any control over herself, my brother was cold and calculated. He never hit me, but he was always trying to paint everything I said and did like I was persecuting him.
It didn’t help that I got better grades than him and I’m more quick witted. My parents taught me that I should let him win every game (he loved to play board games), and he’d fly into a rage each time I scored a (real or perceived) point against him.
I’ll admit that I felt a lot of anger towards him. I was jealous that he didn’t get neglected, like me. And I now realise that my mum would triangulate and play us off against one another.
As his older sister, I also felt a lot of love and responsibility towards him though. I remember him as a baby and a toddler. A beautiful, innocent thing. I had no words to describe the fact that my parents were damaging him by infantilising him and giving him an enormous sense of entitlement with no boundaries, but I felt the pain of witnessing it. I felt a responsibility to ground him and show him how to relax and be kind. I was probably quite clumsy in my attempts to parent him and give him boundaries, and he reacted by hating me even more.
At 15 I got a scholarship to a boarding college. I hoped to put my horrible childhood behind me and make a new life. My brother (then 12) was delighted as he’d often tried (and sometimes succeeded) in getting me thrown out of the house.
I became largely estranged from my parents, graduated from college and uni and spent years travelling. I naively thought I could build a better life in another part of the world. Sadly, I’ve come to learn that once you’ve been abused you’re more vulnerable to more abuse because it’s familiar to you and you don’t notice the red flags.
In my late 20s I found myself in an abusive relationship in another country. I had to flee, leaving my job and most of my possessions behind.
In the time I’d been away, my mum had gone to therapy and done a lot of work on herself. When she found out about my abusive partner, she realised that she was partly to blame and she apologised. I was completely broken at that point, but my parents took me in and helped me to get myself back together. I forgave them for everything.
I was living with them, had a new job and I’d just started dating someone new. My brother had been back home a few times and I was keen to get to know him as a man. Although he never apologised, I’d forgiven him too because I thought he was just a kid at the time and was probably just doing his best to survive.
As an adult, he seemed to be stagnating and angry. His sense of entitlement but lack of any real life skills didn’t serve him well in the real world, and especially not with women. He seemed to be upset that I was (in his eyes) doing better than him as I had a relationship and a successful career.
For my part, I found it upsetting and frustrating that he was still ordered my elderly parents around, but I tried my best to look past this.
Then his 29th birthday came around. He decided he wanted to host all of his friends at my parents house, where I was living. He asked if his friends could sleep in my room. I said sure, as I could stay over at my boyfriend’s place. He also explicitly invited me to the party. My parents also agreed to supply all the food and alcohol.
I thought it was a little juvenile for him to be having his 29th birthday party at my parents place, but hey, I was living there myself at the time, so I tried not to judge!
My boyfriend and I showed up to the party a little bit after it had started, as I didn’t want to get in the way when his friends arrived. We showed up with a gift for him and had a good time with his friends. Long story short- my brother had a face like thunder and made it clear he didn’t want us there. I was confused as he’d explicitly invited me, and I also lived there. He was extremely rude and at one point started having a go at me in front of my parents and boyfriend.
I can’t remember what he said exactly, but I remember my parents basically ignoring it and my boyfriend gripping my hand tightly and turning white with rage. It was everything he could do to control himself and not punch my brother. He was a nice guy and we hadn’t been dating very long, perhaps a few months. I was really embarrassed and walked him out. He had this horrified look on his face and I could just tell he wasn’t ready for that kind situation. We haven’t dated since.
The next morning, my brother wasn’t done. He ranted and raged, and I just went into some kind of trance. I remember calmly tidying up party supplies whilst he ranted. I can’t tell you what he said, but I can tell you that at one point he looked me in the eye and smirked and said ‘no wonder your ex hit you’. He then proceeded to tell me that he didn’t want me as a sister. That I was an embarrassment to him, and that I should leave him alone.
Something clicked in my head then, and I thought ‘Ok’. I felt an IMMENSE wave of relief. I had so much guilt inside of me and I’d blamed his behaviour on me not being a good enough sister. I thought if I could just teach him how to act, he’d be ok. I don’t think I’d ever have abandoned him, but him saying that let me off the hook. I felt so free.
He stormed out of the house, but not before he took all of the food and drinks which were leftover from the party that my parents paid for (I still find that so laughably petty)
Then he sent my parents a TEN PAGE email, where he went through my words and actions the previous night step by step and twisted it to make me look evil. I’m still very disturbed by that. It was horrible seeing someone be so diligent in paying such close attention to me and twisting it. It made me feel sick. I had the epiphany that he’s very similar to my ex. He also went on to say that I’m a slag and he hated the guy I was dating. It was extremely bizarre.
A year later, a girl he was seeing called me out of the blue crying as he’d also abused her. He had some pictures of her and had posted them, revenge porn style. She wanted me to get him to take them down and I agreed. She knew I know what he’s like and I’d believe her. I went to my parents and they were horrified that I’d spoken to her. They twisted it into it being another attempt of me bullying my brother. I calmly explained that my brother needed to take down the images or she’d go to the police, so he did and that was that.
It’s been 4 years and I’ve since bought my own house, met my fiancée and we’ve had a beautiful baby boy. My relationship with my parents is still challenging, but we are working on it. my fiancée knows everything and is really supportive.
i told my parents my brother isn’t allowed to see our son or be at our wedding next year. Occasionally they try to get me to make up with him, but I’m terrified of subjecting my fiancée to witnessing one of his meltdowns. I’d also never put my son in that situation, and I’m worried that my brother will hate me even more now that I’ve achieved more things in life that he hasn’t.
I feel very guilty, though. And also sorry for him. He doesn’t have many friends. Women run a mile from him, and he’s very alone. My friends and family (who don’t know him) don’t seem to understand why we’re estranged. They tell me he’s family and we should work things out. Like, what if he dies and I haven’t spoken to him? I often get conflicted, but I just can’t seem to get over this feeling of complete disgust whenever I think about him.
Anyways, sorry for the long rant. But am I being unreasonable?