Grown Son - Anxiety & Autism

[Catlady2024]

Things have reached breaking point in my family and I'm not sure if i'm being unreasonable or my husband and youngest son are.
For v brief context: married 26 years; husband has depression - managed on meds so always worked but our relationship has been rocky: no intimacy last decade (yes I know) and unwillingness on his side to discuss. Stayed together for 2 sons.
Oldest has done really well - moved away to uni, made friends got degree, now doing PhD (funded) and all fine (or relatively so).
Youngest went away to uni - had breakdown; came home: diagnosed with autism; anxiety and epilepsy and took year out to regroup and recover. Restarted uni locally last year and passed 1st year - just - but has no friends and is v v socially awkward with everyone: even masks/ scripts with me (and I'm his mum). He's just moved out and into halls this week - aim being to learn to stand on own two feet but with family close by and in shared accommodation. It's not going great - son won't leave room: surving on apples or packet food I sent him off with and shows absolutely no interest in meeting others or in anything really - course, modules, societies etc etc. He says he's fine but never calls - I ring him by 10am each day and sounds like I'm waking him up. Believe me - I don't want to be on his case but all the red flags are waving. Even when other students have knocked door to say hello he says hello/ does script then shuts door. He won't drink alcohol or do anything that involves socialising/ relaxing.
I can back off - like I did when he originally went away - but basically fear he'll have another breakdown / fail again. I've tried taking to husband (his dad) but he just wants to ignore it (like son) and is also never proactive about discussing or assessing any issues.
im really worried about youngest's chances for the future - it's not much of a life and his anxiety seems to have restricted him from everythung. He's had therapy but again I've had to organise and then he forgets to go...
I've reached the point where I just want to walk away - it seems I'm worried about everyone and no one gives a stuff about me.
i just am annoyed husband doesn't care youngest son is struggling and hates discussing any thing negative - they're v much alike.
ive really tried to keep the family together to get boys through uni and give good start but I just feel it won't happen and I just want to give up and walk away - sorry if that makes me feel like a crap mum but I can't pour from an empty cup etc,
I've always worked full time all my life and am just sick of supporting everyone financially and emotionally and feel no one ever asks or checks on me.
i know autism and anxiety means son won't respond in neurotypical way but it's just too much - he can learn how to function but it's just this passive do-nothing attitude that I just can't deal with anymore: from him or his dad.
sorry for rant but it's another Saturday where I'm sat on my own and they're both sat in their rooms probably scrolling on til tok watching other people actually live.
i probably ABU but right now I just want a divorce and to wish them all the best and provide love and support from a distance to youngest but sometimes I just think he needs a rocket up him but then feel guilty as it's probably his autism/ anxiety etcx
Sorry if this makes me worse mother ever and a grade 1 bitch. Btw - I have no outside support and am quite isolated myself due to marriage / son difficulties especially over recent years.
pleae be kind. Thanks

Autism is highly genetic and given how you describe your oh it seems Iikely he's ND too.

Has your son considered medication or seen a Psychiatrist? Are uni aware of his needs and putting in support?

That sounds like an enormous burden that you bear entirely alone, OP. I don't know what the answers are with regard to your son, but it seems your well-meaning interventions make no difference anyway. Maybe others will have better advice on that side of things, but you also deserve a happy and fulfilling life. 💗 Sorry, not much help, but I wouldn't blame you for carving out your freedom as best you can.

Has your youngest applied for DSA? they can provide support - a mentor to check in, app like Brain in Hand etc. I know it can be challenging to get a young ND person to engage, but it's something I would really push for.

My 18 and 20 are both autistic and need a lot of support. It is really difficult when they're adults, the fear that it will never end...but hopefully if your DS will engage in therapy/university support now, he'll gain confidence and skills that will make his future a little easier.

The isolation is something I struggle with, I wish I had some sage words on that. Just know you're not alone. I also hope you can get your husband to be less passive

You're not a bitch or a bad mother, you're a kind person doing you're absolute best and holding everything together is coming at a huge cost to you.
So make sure you get time for you, try and relax, go to theatre, museums, play sport, reach out to old friends, just do something for you that makes you happy.

I echo about pp about getting DSA. My autistic DD has both a wellbeing mentor and a academic mentor at uni.
Has your DS given his permission to student welfare/support for you to talk to them and liaise on his behalf, I would recommend getting this in place, they can also do well being checks.
DD didnt join any societies in her first year, only used communal kitchen when it was empty, made 1-2 friends, as in one housemate she'd talk to and one course mate she's talk to but didn't really socialise.
Refused to go on any of the trips related to her course.
Second year friendships developed a bit, I think her friends may also be autistic so not really huge socialisers, and she managed a uni trip and joined a society.
She's just starting her third year, she likes the learning part of uni but definitely isn't keen living away from home or wild or even tame nights out.
Is your son content? Does he even want the same things that you want for him?
Being still asleep at 10am is pretty normal for someone his age.
Is he on any medication at all for anxiety /depression?
I would continue to phone but keep it light, remind him of any medication, ask if he needs any shopping, help him set reminders for timetable, visit him at weekends and definitely apply for DSA and ensure uni is aware.
Wait and see, if he needs to come back home it's not the end of the world.
Many autistic people have successful careers and hold down jobs, it's about finding the right career and environment to allow you to thrive.
My DH works in IT and I swear they are pretty much all on the spectrum!
It's pretty likely your DH is also autistic and it must be so hard when he doesn't seem capable of offering you the emotional support you need.
Whether you decide to stay married or not is your decision but definitely not an easy one.