DCs father’s partner mentally unstable - what do I do?

[ireallycantsay]

Posting for traffic… sorry!

I’m seeking some advice on what I can do to safeguard my child. DC is 4 years old, me and ex-DH have 50/50 contact, although this more often than not rearranged if he is working - so usually 2/3 nights at dads and the other time here.

2 months ago, Ex-DHs partner attempted suicide in their home. My daughter and her dad were on the way home when she attempted this via attempted ligature. ex-DH said that my daughter didn’t see anything but she was exposed to his reaction, police and ambulance arriving. I had been told that his partner was struggling with her mental health, but only after did I know she’d taken an overdose the night before (when my daughter was with me).

I had to turn up with my husband to get my daughter. The neighbour told me at the time that exdhs partner had been taking ketamine “for her anxiety” and that she had been verbally abusive to exdh for a number of weeks.

Ex-DHs partner was sectioned and has been in hospital since. DH has seen daughter fairly regularly, but has just told me that his partner is due for discharge next week.

Social services have contacted me when this happened, and said that they would do a risk assessment before any contact with ex-DHs partner is given.

Exdh has said that his partner is completely fine now, and that she is no longer suicidal. His understanding is that everything will now go back to normal - his partner sometimes has time alone with my daughter if DH is at work.

I’ve already told school she is not to pick my daughter up from school. I don’t want my daughter in the house with her at all.

I also have a good relationship with exdh and I’m afraid that this will cause a massive fall out between us.

I have zero issue with mental health issues, we all have experience of them. My issue is the way in which the attempt was made - when she knew my partner was bringing his daughter back to the house, and the use of drugs.

I have zero issue with the partner personally, we have always got on cordially. I don’t want to add stress to her or my DH but I am worried sick that this could happen again.

Please could someone advise

Im so sorry you’re in this situation. Ideally your ex will want to safeguard his daughter as much as you do, but it causes a fall out then that can’t be helped. His feelings don’t enter into it - his daughter’s well being is what’s paramount here. No way would I want her exposed to the possibility of this happening again.

I have already said that I don’t want my daughter to have contact with his partner until things have settled, but he has said it’s his partner and she will have to have contact.

what can I do legally? I don’t want to cause a massive issue between us, but I can’t let her into that environment again. For me the trust is gone - she did that knowing my daughter was going to see it. I know suicidal thinking isn’t rational but that to me really scared me.

An unhinged suicidal druggie? Fuck that. He sees her at your house or nothing from now on. No way would i allow my kids in a house with drugs there. Can SS support you in this?

To be honest, I'm not really sure what you can do officially. If SS are happy for her to be there then you have to trust your EXH to keep her safe. But come at this from a more sensible perspective, the woman isn't going away and you can't realistically expect EXH to keep them apart, certainly not based on gossip from the neighbours.

The woman was unbearably ill, and can't be blamed for what happened. Talk to your EXH, make sure he knows that he can have you collect DD any time and are prepared to be flexible for him to see his daughter safely. Support him to do what's best for DD.

I also think that keeping your daughter from any contact at all with her is unreasonable, and risks turning her into some sort of bad person in your daughter's eyes. She's not a monster.

I'm so sorry this has happened. Have Social Services completed the risk assessment yet? I think you may have to risk a falling out with your ex DH to protect your daughter. I do feel it's unlikely that the partner is fully recovered given the current state of our mental health services. I don't think your DD should be left on her own with the partner-a child may feel responsible for an unwell adult and that could be devastating for her if something happened.

I hope Social Services are helpful and your ex DH takes on board any recommendations. In the meantime I'd be considering taking some legal advice about the situation and your options. Your ex DH's priority really should be your DD but it's likely he wants to support his partner and may be over optimistic about her recovery.

I also think it would be very difficult for a 4 year old to have the language to explain how she feels about what happened. She may have been present during arguments or the drug taking. It might be worth considering some play therapy for her as well? I hope everyone involved gets the support they need. 💐

Has the SS risk assessment been done? If not then I would be telling your ex he sees your daughter as yours, or goes out she is not under any circumstances to have anything to do with his partner until after the risk assessment has been completed and shared and full plan in place to support your daughter to ensure she is not put in this situation again. The partner is not to look after her on her own, I would insist on that as part of the risk assessment way forward

What have social services said?

I would refuse contact and let him take it to court.

Before listening to people that say just stop contact i would speak to someone who is actually legally able to give that advice

Have SS finished their risk assessment yet? If yes, what do they recommend? If not, tell your ex it’s best to wait for it to be done for your daughter’s wellbeing. In the meantime , he can see her outside of the home, or if he won’t agree with it, then sadly, you will have to stop contact and sort it through the courts.

It sounds like you ex is trying to minimise what is going on. Two suicide attempts in less than 24 hours is extremely concerning and he allowed your DD to arrive into his home when all that was going on, which suggests that his judgement is extremely poor and that he is not prioritising her. TBH, I would not want my DC (of any age!) being exposed to such an environment.

You may have a good relationship with your ex, but he is not safeguarding your DD in all this, he's prioritising his DP and their relationship over your DD's right to a safe, happy and suitable living environment. I would tell SS that you do not want your DD being exposed to whatever her DF's DP is going through.

If social services are involved then id be telling them all about the ketamine and plainly tell them that under no circumstances will my child be going to that house whilst the partner still lives there so the 50/50 plan is no longer feasible.

Get legal advise too.

This is all very new and after 2 months I’d be very skeptical that she is ‘fine’. I agree with PP that it’s time to lay your cards on the table with SS as to her actions, drug use, etc and ask questions on how they would consider safely phasing this in over a period of time. Til then he can meet outside the home, at yours, at granny’s, etc.
Id also be asking very strong qns of ex as to why on earth he took your child home the day following his partners suicide attempt - how on earth is that a reasonable thing to do? He needs a wake up call either from you or SS.

I would get some legal advice from a family law specialist asap. You're quite understandably wanting to safeguard your little one and there's no way I would want her left in the care of your exes partner. It's unlikely that she's absolutely fine now and probably has a way to go when it comes to improving her mental health. Speak to Social Services about your concerns too. Tell your ex that you don't want to fall out and that you value your good co-parenting relationship but that you have to put your daughter's welfare first and expect him to do the same. How would he feel about her having contact with your partner if the roles were reversed? He needs to think about that.

I would let the courts decide, if your dds father wants to see her he can visit or take her out, but not to his home, while he has a partner there who is seriously unwell.

I think the ketamine is the bigger issue here. She cannot be taking dissociative drugs around your daughter. I would focus on this when discussing safeguarding with your ex rather than poor mental health.

The thing is that the info about the ketamine usage is hearsay, whereas the OP knows the MH stuff is fact. I would definitely mention what the neighbour said about the ketamine to SS and to a lawyer, if you consult one (and you should to sort out access that prioritises your DD's welfare), but the MH stuff is extremely serious. Your ex allowed your DD to go to a home where his DP tried to kill herself the night before and then re-entered that home with your DD when his DP had again tried to take her life, this time with a ligature. Knowing his DP's state of mind at the time, his disregard for your DD's wellbeing is disgraceful. He should never have allowed a small DC to be present in that home at that time.

It’d be an absolute no to her having time alone with your daughter. Can you ask your ex to ensure that at least?

How very awful for you all. I'm not sure anyone here can advise on such a serious situation, you really need to consult a specialist in family law.

You can delay resuming contact if Social Services said they'd have to conduct a risk assessment first. In the meantime, I'd make sure they know about the self-medicating with illegal drugs. It's very unlikely she's "fine" now, only a couple of months after two suicide attempts.

I'd continue to try to talk to your ex about it if you've previously had a decent co-parenting relationship. He's probably sticking his head in the sand a bit, particularly about the impact on your DD. Some play therapy for her might be a good idea if you can access it.