To not know how to respond to my father's sexism?

[VerneySotter]

Hello Mumsnetters, I am a man who has come here in the past as a reader to get a female perspective and often found useful insights. This is my first post.

My elderly (80) father has always been sexist but in the way that would make you roll your eyes (commenting lewdly on TV celebrities, for example, or always judging women on appearances first and personality or ability second).

I have always hated it but my mother defended him (excuses like you know what he's like) and I regarded it as a battle not worth fighting.

However, I recently stayed with him with my children including my daughter (16). One day I noticed she was upset and I asked her why. She reluctantly admitted my father had said a horrible thing to her.

She was wearing short off-cut jeans and he said "Ooh I'd like to fondle those legs".

I am absolutely repulsed and beyond furious. I was too furious to confront him. We left the next day (as planned, without hardly a goodvye from me) and it is now three weeks later and I have not been able to speak to him (we usually speak once or twice a week).

I haven't told my wife the full details as my daughter begged me not to. She is more forgiving than me and sees the comment as a misfired attempt at humour. I do agree that I think it was a "Benny Hill" or "Carry On" type comment rather than an actual sexual approach which hardly bares thinking about! But how could be be so vile?

In my own mind despite having a good relationship with him all my life this is almost enough to justify cutting him off. But that would also involve cutting off my mother as she has pre-dementia and he is her carer and controls phone calls (I live far away).

I am conflicted. Should I open up to my wife? She knows we had a row but not about what. She has always been a big supporter of my Dad despite his failings but I know she would be as disgusted as I am. And if I confront him I think he would just fly into a fury, deny everything and block the only access I have to my mother. Honestly I would love to end my relationship with him but it's not possible.

Of course you need to protect your daughter and you should speak to your wife about it.

You should also be concerned about your father's cognitive function. A decline is often manifested by existing behaviour becoming more extreme as inhibitions are lost. It doesn't necessarily follow that he is sexualising your daughter as in his mind, he may not have associated his comment with the fact he is related to her. It may have been a random thought that popped out which previously he would have recognised as wrong and suppressed. Of course, having said that, now you are aware of this behaviour, you do need to safeguard your daughter.

Loss of mental function can happen very rapidly in people of his age. Do you have all the legal side of things sorted out for your parents aging and potential care needs? It's a hard path you are starting down with your parents. AgeUK and Alzheimers.org.uk are great resources.

Totally agree. This is the best approach.

I would like to add a note of concern about your father controlling your mother’s use of the phone. And, frankly, having someone as warped as him as her sole carer. I hope he will never see your wife and children again but I can see why you don’t want to cut your mother off. If you are going to do that would you consider notifying her GP or social services that he is an unsuitable sole caree