To not let DS sleep over at a boys house after only knowing him a week?

[2coolWorman]

I know I'm not BU (I hope) but DS doesn't seem to think so and is adamant he’s going.

He's 16, he has ADHD and is gay, he struggles socially and has never been invited to parties (bar the whole class ones in reception) and has never been out with friends doing things. He has with family friends children but not school friends. He wasn't bullied, he was just sort of there and people don't really pay much notice to him. He never seemed bothered at the time.

He started college last Monday (the 1st) and made a friend on the first day with a boy on his course. He's now saying this boy is his boyfriend (after just over a week) and wants to sleep over at his house. However, a week seems too soon? I know nothing about him and DS wouldn't know much himself.

DS thinks I'm BU and has said he'll sleep over anyway whether I say he can or not and now I don't know what to do. He's accused me of being controlling and said he doesn't care about my opinions, he can do what he wants.

This is obviously not the only issue with him as you can probably tell from his attitude but AIBU?

I would feel exactly the same as you deep down,but at 16 I don't think you can stop him.

He’s 16. You’re maybe not wrong to be concerned about this but I’m not sure have any way of actually stopping him.
I think perhaps you’ve been a little heavy handed here. A more adult conversation about why you are concerned might have been better. Helping him make better choices for himself and preparing him for any eventualities. In case the visit doesn’t pan out the way he plans.
Can you not see why he might be very excited about this? He’s been on his own for years and now someone has taken an interest and appears to really want to spend time with him.

I think at sixteen kids of either sex or any sexuality have a right to start relationships. It's not like it's a much older stranger from the internet. Obviously get the address/the kid's number and tell him to leave if he feels uncomfortable, or you'll pick him up.

Also maybe a good idea to slip him a box of condoms and lube. He might cringe but it's better to be supportive. You don't want him starting to sneak around as he'd be more vulnerable then.

He sounds vulnerable so you are right to be concerned. I’m sorry, I don’t know what to suggest.

You need to talk to him, calmly and sensibly, about what your concerns are, and ask him to help alleviate those concerns.
He’s 16. You can’t interfere here when he’s done nothing wrong. There has to be some trust (at least until it is broken!).
Good luck. X

I thought he was going to be 8 or 9 😂.

He’s 16 and in college OP. Yes YABU.

I do worry that he's vulnerable and I know nothing about this boy so I am worried. I don't become less worried just because he's in college now.

I have told him why I don't feel comfortable and suggested he wait until half term at least but he won't have it

I’d be concerned too OP if my child had ADHD, had issues socially, had never had even a real friendship, and was now jumping into a relationship very quickly. It sounds like he could be quite vulnerable, and rightly, you want to protect him. He may want to stay over, but there is a chance he is being pressured because he is so glad to have someone and doesn’t want to lose this lad.

I think you need to sit down and start the conversation from scratch. Tell him you are glad he has someone at college that he likes/is his bf, but that because of past issues and his ADHD, you just want to make sure he is ok, sure of his decision and is safe. Be open to the idea of him staying over, just get the channels of communication open, without judgement. Let him know that your concerns come from a place of love and concern, not a wish to control him.

What do you think might happen?

Why should he have it? He’s 16, he could legally move out altogether, without your permission.

I'm surprised at the responses so far. I've read other threads on here where most posters said they wouldn't allow a sleepover with a boyfriend/girlfriend under 18, or at least not until it was a serious (6+ months) relationship.

He will be immature and impulsive. I wouldn't be happy at all.

You have every right to be concerned, but I think it's quite difficult at this age to completely say no. And it is complicated by him being gay - I wouldn't feel I could stop DS going for a sleepover at a new male friend's house, but I would be uncomfortable at a new girlfriend's house. But those lines are blurred in this situation.

I would take the approach that sleeping over at a friend's house, where we assume the parents are also going to be, is better than hin being out all night where you don't know where he is. When things have calmed down, try to talk to him about your concerns.

is he medicated? ADHD can make them be socially a bit behind and/or immature but I found once DS was medicated, when he calmed down, he could usually have a rational conversation.

Invite him to your house first?

There's no way the boy the OP describes is currently capable of moving out to live independently.

I think this is the solution. Offer to get them a take away and get to meet the other boy.

Why not?! All she has said is that he has ADHD and hasn't got many friends?!

I'm not disputing he probably shouldn't live alone if he's vulnerable but he absolutely could if he wanted to.

I would not be happy with this either. I'd try to talk to him and suggest that for the first few times they get together, they do a an evening thing rather than a sleepover. Purely because he doesn't know this person and it's best to get to know someone a bit before you sleep over. I would give the same advice to dd and hope that she listened as just held off a bit until she felt she knew the other person better.

I can see why you are worried about him.

Looking at it from his point of view he has spent 16 years on the social periphery, not invited to parties, no close friends. All of a sudden someone has taken an interest in him and his Mum is trying to put a stop to this!

We know that he is vulnerable to exploitation. He is likely to go in excited and hopeful of a new phase in his life, pinning a lot on this, and find it hard to have any objectivity or sane reflection at his disposal.

You need to be that sane reflection for him, coupled with explaining your concerns to him and saying how pleased you are he has found a friend. If you actively try and ban this, he will start to be underhand about what he is doing and where he is going in the future.

Ask him about this lad, how old he is, who his parents are, will they be there, would you like to invite him round sometime, please ring if you have any concerns and you will come day or night etc. etc. ....

Honestly it is all you can do. You can't chain him up; and you need to try not to alienate him.

It is hard - we are older and wiser, we know how naive we were at that age and the things we got up to - we know what the risks, both physical and emotional are - so we worry.

Make sure you tell him you love him and trust him.

I had 3 DDs - all now adult - I have been in your position - it is just the same, male, female, gay, straight..... with the added risk of pregnancy - be thankful you do not have that worry!

Gently let him go with your blessing and an understanding of your worries and an awareness that these come from a loving place.

What happened @2coolWorman in the end?

I know you say you've explained your reasons to him but I would be extremely clear that you are not controlling. You have no wish to control him but to protect him which is not the same. It's important he understands the difference.

If he is going anyway ask him to give you the address and the phone number of the parent to check it's okay for him to stay overnight in their home. Look together on Google street view to find out where it is, nearest bus stops etc. And suggest he invites the boy over after college one day first.

It's all probably fine. But my DC came into their early teens soon after Breck Bednar was killed and I decided I'd rather be the most over protective parent than take the slightest risk with 'friends' you know nothing about.