It's another MIL one

[BonfireNight1993]

Right, I'm going to have to be a bit vague because the last thing I want is this to get back to MIL and make things even worse.

MIL wasn't wild about me to start with. She very much liked the girlfriend before me, which probably hasn't helped. Her distaste for me was low-key, but got worse in recent months, I think either because I am pregnant or because I recently married her son. The reasons she doesn't like me are fair enough (we have dramatically different political opinions, live a long way away from her, he's the much loved favourite child and I've functionally taken him away as we live about seven hours away). I admit, while I have always been friendly - visiting whenever DH wants to, replying to messages, sending small gifts at appropriate times of the year - I have not bent over backwards to try and win her around. It possibly doesn't help that I am very close with my family and that we all live within an hour of each other.

I've become even less popular since my policy on social media and kids has come out (DH relayed to entire family that there will be no pictures of any children on any social media platforms at all. Over recent months there have been lots of posts on social media about me (veiled, but very clearly me), so much so that I have disconnected on all platforms which of course made everything worse. She's told DH that she doesn't like me, used some fairly unkind descriptions of my character and we've now reached an uncomfortable silence. DH has said he doesn't want anything to do with her, but I can tell that's because he's hurt and angry with her, and deep down I know he wants to find a more calm balance, the active warfare is making him miserable. He's been resolutely on my side (I've seen the messages) but I'm not naive, and I would be distraught to be torn between my mother.

Anyway - what's reasonable in terms of access to grandchildren? I don't want to be the witch who keeps her away from her grandkids, and I do think she has a right to see them, but the idea of handing my tiny newborn to a woman who actively dislikes me / posts about my alleged personality disorders (diagnosed by her) online makes my skin crawl.

If you have a similar situation what do you do in terms of visiting / access? Just suck it up? Introduce the baby but don't let her hold them?

Go ahead and be the witch that keeps her from her grandchildren. This is entirely her doing not yours.

Urgh you're probably right, but I am so bad at allowing people to think badly of me. Possibly time for me to grow a bit more of a spine...

Why would you offer up your precious dc to appease such a woman? People aren't entitled to be grandparents. Neither my dps or dh's have seen our dc for over 10 years.
Of their own doing.
My dc aren't stunted in any way from not having toxic relatives around them..quite the opposite op. Their mh is safe.

Your responsibility to your dc is to keep such persons. away from them.

I think for the sake of your marriage (it sounds pretty happy - which seems to be rare!) that I would likely ‘allow’ visitation as husband sees fit because it sounds like he’s on your side anyway, plus it’s unlikely to be frequent due to distance and that way he won’t be resentful of you in the future. Have a convo with hubby and set out clear ground rules - if she is disrespectful about you around your children then he leaves immediately etc.

You’re not keeping her from her grandchild, she is showing she is not the kind of person you want your baby around.

She is already showing she has issue with a boundary she doesn’t like and will very likely overstep because she doesn’t like you and think she is entitled because she’s grandma 🙄.

It is unreasonable for anyone to think you can be rude to the parent of a child and expect to have access to said child especially because you’re related to them.

She doesn't have a right to access to your children. Her behaviour has further eroded any chance of her developing a loving, caring relationship with her grandchildren and that is completely down to her. She is responsible for any rapprochement with you, if she wants to see your baby. Do not be gaslighted into thinking that all grandparents deserve their grandchildren, some of them most definitely do not. Any contact will be purely in your and your husband's gift, and she needs to be advised of that, if the time comes. It must be on your terms, not her's. She has caused the split and she must mend it. You can minimise contact, if you choose to have any, by meeting on neutral ground until or if ever, she apologises and totally changing her behaviour.

I would not actively make an effort to bring my kids to her. She can come to them but equally I would never leave her to oook after them on her own as I would not trust not to badmouth you and not to take pictures and share them round either on socials or WhatsApp. She needs to accept you are now the most important person on dh life and respect him enough to be civil and pleasant to you.

Personally, I'd suck it up and let DH take the lead on visits. Your child is equally his, so I feel he should have an equally respected opinion. Hopefully he can influence his mother to be at least civil to you.

I've been through terrible stuff with my former "in-laws", (not married,) but I never stopped them seeing their grandchild. My child's father was deceased, so it was on me to facilitate their long distance relationship.

My child deserved to have the biggest village of love around them and so long as they treated my child well, I swallowed my hurt and anger and allowed them to have a relationship that I didn't get in the way of.

The child was school-aged, so they could go stay with them for a few days at a time, which made it easier for me to not have to spend time with them to host or visit. We just met at a location halfway, and were all perfectly civil on both sides.

Your husband sounds like a good ‘un.
Let him decide, and support his decision. xx