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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP on adult/ porn sites

18 replies

Mum2one2019 · 12/09/2025 12:58

Hi,
I'm hoping someone can clear a few things up, or reason with me.
So earlier this year I saw a WhatsApp message on my partners phone to a woman where he asked her if she was free so they could hang out. I didn't ask him about this and just let it slide.

Then in June I logged onto a website we have joint login to as I noticed he was liking a lot of images of women on there. Then one time I looked at it and he had sent messages to a woman suggesting he had met up with her. So I did confront him and he said it was a fantasy thing and he never actually met up with her. All the messages were marked as unread so I kind of believed him.

Is this something men do? Does it turn them on just by sending messages to someone who's never going to reply? Sounds far fetched to me.

Anyway we were due to go on holiday, as I wanted a nice holiday I tried to let it slide and carry on as normal. Although it was in the back of my mind.

Then when we were back from holiday one night it was 3 am and I woke up and he was in bed on his phone so I glanced over and saw a blurry image of a women. So I did look at his search history and he had been on a site adult work. Did a bit of research and it is a site for as the title suggests adult work.

I can't see that he has an account on their but I have noticed that you can contact these women without needing an account. It seems more than porn to me.

I haven't said anything to him about this site, I've just said I am still concerned about the previous messages to a woman who seemingly he never met and I've lost his trust.

I've asked him to come clean and to be honest with me. His last search history asks Google "how do I know if someone has installed spyware on my phone", which implies he must have something to hide.

What do you guys think? Am I reading too much into it?

OP posts:
Rightandwrong · 12/09/2025 13:06

It really doesnt matter what other men do does it?
Your partner is messaging other women and asking to meet up with them. So if you are supposed to be in monogamous relationship he is cheating on you.
It's up to you whether you put up with this behaviour or not.
I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where my partner did this. I wouldn't stay in a relationship with a man who watched porn either.

WaltzingWaters · 12/09/2025 13:20

Messaging women would be the end of it for me. That makes it personal. I don’t mind if my partner watches regular porn (as long as not obsessively of course!), but anything like only fans or messaging people makes it personal, and counts as cheating to me. Even if he hasn’t cheated yet, it’s a kink of his messaging these women and only a matter of time until he does act on it. And either way, you have no trust so what’s the point in the relationship if you’re always on edge? He’s lost your trust with his sneaky porn obsessed behaviour, so I’d say that’s the end of it.

Original poster
Mum2one2019 · 12/09/2025 13:27

Yes you are right. I don't have a huge problem with porn as its just random women you'll never meet. Although I am concerned at the frequency he looks at these sites.
I looked at the profiles of the women he had looked at on adult work and they were all local, or at least advertised they were in the local area.
That is one of the things I brought up with him about this woman he had messaged, I looked at her profile and she was local, it would have been more plausible if she was hours away or in a different country.
If I had made the effort to message another guy, regardless if I was actually going to meet them, I would consider that cheating, as yes it becomes personal then.

OP posts:
Rightandwrong · 12/09/2025 13:33

Sorry I missed the fact that the site he is on is Adultwork.
The only reason he is going on that will be because he is using prostitutes.

Zempy · 12/09/2025 13:37

He is using sex workers.

You need to stop having sex with him and get a full STD check.

I would dump him immediately.

Belladog1 · 12/09/2025 13:38

I would have no problem if my partner watched porn occasionally. To me that's just fantasy.

To contact people directly or pay people ..... that's a no no I'm afraid.

SplendidUtterly · 12/09/2025 13:39

Yeah, like a previous poster said he is either using prostitutes or thinking to in the near future.

Original poster
Mum2one2019 · 12/09/2025 13:41

Yes that is exactly my concern. Why else would anyone go on there, especially as I don't think he has an account on there, so most of the images are blurred out until you create an account.

He says he wouldn't even have time to meet someone and I could put a GPS locator in his car, which I said I wouldn't because I should be able to trust him.

OP posts:
VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 12/09/2025 13:41

Is this something men do?

I'm a man. Most of us look at porn on occasion. Most of us DO NOT go messaging random women or go on websites specifically designed for finding a prostitute.

This isn't a man thing, it's a "your husband is a gross human being" thing.

Original poster
Mum2one2019 · 12/09/2025 13:43

I've told him that I'm not interested in being with someone I don't trust. I'm just being nice to him as we currently live together and have a child together. But I just feel done right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum2one2019 · 12/09/2025 13:45

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 12/09/2025 13:41

Is this something men do?

I'm a man. Most of us look at porn on occasion. Most of us DO NOT go messaging random women or go on websites specifically designed for finding a prostitute.

This isn't a man thing, it's a "your husband is a gross human being" thing.

Thanks, good to hear it from a man's point of view.

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 12/09/2025 13:48

Mum2one2019 · 12/09/2025 12:58

Hi,
I'm hoping someone can clear a few things up, or reason with me.
So earlier this year I saw a WhatsApp message on my partners phone to a woman where he asked her if she was free so they could hang out. I didn't ask him about this and just let it slide.

Then in June I logged onto a website we have joint login to as I noticed he was liking a lot of images of women on there. Then one time I looked at it and he had sent messages to a woman suggesting he had met up with her. So I did confront him and he said it was a fantasy thing and he never actually met up with her. All the messages were marked as unread so I kind of believed him.

Is this something men do? Does it turn them on just by sending messages to someone who's never going to reply? Sounds far fetched to me.

Anyway we were due to go on holiday, as I wanted a nice holiday I tried to let it slide and carry on as normal. Although it was in the back of my mind.

Then when we were back from holiday one night it was 3 am and I woke up and he was in bed on his phone so I glanced over and saw a blurry image of a women. So I did look at his search history and he had been on a site adult work. Did a bit of research and it is a site for as the title suggests adult work.

I can't see that he has an account on their but I have noticed that you can contact these women without needing an account. It seems more than porn to me.

I haven't said anything to him about this site, I've just said I am still concerned about the previous messages to a woman who seemingly he never met and I've lost his trust.

I've asked him to come clean and to be honest with me. His last search history asks Google "how do I know if someone has installed spyware on my phone", which implies he must have something to hide.

What do you guys think? Am I reading too much into it?

No, you are not reading too much into it. The truth is staring you right in the face.

SunnyDolly · 12/09/2025 13:49

earlier this year I saw a WhatsApp message on my partners phone to a woman where he asked her if she was free so they could hang out. I didn't ask him about this and just let it slide.

Why?? Why didn’t you confront this, I’d be furious about this alone. You must know you deserve better than this, OP!

BauhausOfEliott · 12/09/2025 13:52

Most men look at porn. Most men absolutely do not message sex workers or hookup sites asking to meet up, or ‘fantasising’ about a previous meet-up. This is not a thing.

I’m sure many, many people - men and women - have looked at sites like Adult Work or a local massage parlour solely out of sheer curiosity to wonder what goes on there, but no, it’s not normal to do that habitually and it’s not normal to start messaging and chatting.

I have no issue at all with my DP watching porn. I watch it sometimes. But if he was messaging and chatting to other women I’d consider that cheating and I’d be furious/devastated. Likewise the other way around. He doesn’t care what I look at but he’d be beyond hurt if I was interacting in a sexual context with men online.

Original poster
Mum2one2019 · 12/09/2025 13:52

SunnyDolly · 12/09/2025 13:49

earlier this year I saw a WhatsApp message on my partners phone to a woman where he asked her if she was free so they could hang out. I didn't ask him about this and just let it slide.

Why?? Why didn’t you confront this, I’d be furious about this alone. You must know you deserve better than this, OP!

I didn't confront him because it would have revealed that I'd been snooping on his phone and I didn't think it really proved anything.
He is also very good at making up stories, so he would have just brushed it off like she was a school friend or something.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/09/2025 13:56

OP. Every man on here that gets caught messaging a sex worker claims to be 'just looking / fantasy'

Every man on here that gets caught booking a session 'didn't/ never intended to' go through with it

Every man on here that gets caught visiting a sex worker 'chickened out / just talked / cuddled' because they love their partner too much

Clearly the amount of sex workers in every town in the uk shows that the chances of most men making these claims, telling the truth, is almost zero.

He has been cheating on you with sex workers

OriginalUsername2 · 12/09/2025 16:30

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/09/2025 13:56

OP. Every man on here that gets caught messaging a sex worker claims to be 'just looking / fantasy'

Every man on here that gets caught booking a session 'didn't/ never intended to' go through with it

Every man on here that gets caught visiting a sex worker 'chickened out / just talked / cuddled' because they love their partner too much

Clearly the amount of sex workers in every town in the uk shows that the chances of most men making these claims, telling the truth, is almost zero.

He has been cheating on you with sex workers

Exactly. Tale as old as time, unfortunately.

Original poster
Mum2one2019 · 12/09/2025 16:58

Completely, if someone else had written this, I would be saying "leave them!".

OP posts:
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