I don’t think I belong

[Ihateeverything]

Just that really
I spend my days pretending
aibu of course you do, every one does
urnbu you don’t belong

@Seawolves
thank you. I think I may have found my person xxx

I don’t think I belong either and have now got to the point where I can begin to be my authentic self and not worry if people roll their eyes or laugh at me. I try and block it out but also acknowledge it and move on. I am a good person who cares about others - I’ve worked on my self esteem and being happy for myself rather than fitting in or seeking validation.
Can you get to this point?

Are you seeking connection? I’ve found that I love spending time with animals and we have ten chickens 😄 who accept me for who I am wholeheartedly

I honestly don’t know what I want anymore

Ihateeverything

ah I think we’re all a bit weird really! I remember watching some relatives doing the whole mingling thing. When we stopped them to chat they seemed lost and we realised they literally just had the ‘how are you, isn’t the weather mad’ thing down pat! Dh was like ‘shit, let them back to it’ and they smiled and said to the next people’how are you, isn’t the weather mad?!’happily!!!

Are you at a stage where you are reflecting on your life? You say your children are leaving or have left? Has something significant happened to make you feel like you don’t belong?

@stayathomer
omg are your relatives me!!

@Gagaandgag
i guess my last child is going, I’m 10-20 years to retirement and I’m thinking what’s the point!

Ihateeverything
Ah I get you now, I’m the weirdo that goes ‘how are you getting on, how’s the weather, oh did you hear it’s been the driest June ever? I was trying to think if it was and then I thought I bet we’ll get the worst July ever’ and the person looks terrified 😅😅😅

You found a person who committed to you and had children with you! That’s difficult for many people, and a huge potential economic and emotional risk. It’s an awful lot of eggs in one basket. Friendships are much less high-risk. If you can do one thing, you can do the other.

I get that, but in the 30 years since I met my DH, I haven’t met, or truly had time to meet/ connect with any one else.
I really do find it hard. The front is easy

I know exactly how you feel. I've always been on the periphery. I have friends but I have to make the efforts to keep in touch. I have sports that I do, but again, whilst they make me welcome, I'm under no illusion that I'm really a part of things, because I'm not. My kids have flown,and realistically DH is the same , so we work well together, I tell him we are the weirdos together. 😂 I'm also too old to bother with assessment etc, it wouldn't change anything.

@cobrakaieaglefang
i hear you, if you’re ok with it , that’s great.
Im not sure where it sit however.
I feel like I want to be heard….. but I never will be

Not so much that I'm ok with it, more that I don't know how or what I could do to change it. I guess its almost a resigned acceptance that I just don't fit and never 'found my tribe' at any point in my life.

Do you think you're putting on too much of a front so other autistic people don't realise you're autistic? And you're coming across as uncomfortable to everyone else?

If you're comfortable being a bit weird you might attract fellow weirdos. Non weirdoes are usually quite boring so you wouldn't want to be friends with them anyway. Be yourself and focus on whether you like people and find them interesting.

Depends on circumstances, life stage, health and money, etc. I've been through lovely, long phases of belonging, mainly thanks to work and the people I knew through work. For the last 15 years, I have very definitely not belonged where I am and there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm at peace with it, though. I just don't care very much 😎

focus on whether you like people and find them interesting

This is actually the secret! 90% of the time, anyway. I'm now in the 10% ... I don't find the people available to me these days very interesting or particularly likeable. I make do with Mumsnet instead <shrug>

I don't think I've ever felt I belonged, though in earlier years I used to think when "X" happened maybe I'd feel that way: when I went to uni/got away from one parent/went back to live in the other's country/had a family of my own, etc.

It never happened.

Children all flown the nest, have not had a partner for many years.

So I need to find a reason to hang on, or a really good distraction, since I've never been able to come to terms with it.

I’ve never fit or felt included. I’m always on the outskirts of everything so I gave up trying a long time ago. School friends would hang out without me and the pattern continued so I think maybe I’ve held back as a protection to myself.

DS (who is autistic) was absolutely astonished when he learned that loads of people feel like they don't belong, have social anxiety, impostor syndrome, fake feeling happy but underneath feel sad or lonely. He truly thought he was the only person on the planet and that there was something wrong with him. When he realised most people feel like this some or a lot of the time, he really relaxed and stpped worrying about it, and so stopped feeling it so much.

Me too OP. I have zero sense of humour which I think doesn’t help - as in, I find things funny when other people tell jokes or make quips, but I have zero banter myself, am dreadful at telling funny stories and am the opposite of quick-witted. I notice a lot of people connect through humour so if you have none, it’s essentially impossible to join in. I really wish I was funny but I think you’ve either got it or you haven’t!

You belong here op, the same as the rest of us.

I do this too! 😂