My ex just will not stop

[Shootingstar1111]

My ex and I were in a very toxic relationship for 9 years. I eventually ended it 2 1/2 years ago and he moved out.
He has always shown evidence of unstable behaviour when it comes to me meeting someone else. I tried to around 18 months ago and he found out and displayed some scary behaviour - had me watched, followed me, threratened me with custody battle if i met anyone else the listy goes on.
Eventually it proved too much for me and i resigned myself to the fact id either be alone forever or stuck with him.
For the last year we have got on, we have done things together with our son and i am ashamed to say i have been intimate with him too on occasion.
It is only after having some deep talks with a friend that i realised i was putting my life on hold to keep the peace. Too scared to meet anyone else because of the threats i get.

A few weeks ago i started speaking to someone, a wonderful man who i have not yet met but i am excited to. Somehow my ex has found out and over the last week has messaged me non stop, saying how ive used him, if i want to move on it'll mean losing my son, i am ruining our sons chance at a family, hes threatened to move back in, and threatened to ruin my life.

I must say that over the last year he has done nothing but tell me how much he loves being on his own, in his aprtment etc, he has shown little interest in a relationship with me until now when he knows i have met someone.

What do i do? I have sent him multiple messages asking him to please leave me alone but he just wont.

I dont want to be under his grip anymore. Even if things didn;t work out with this new guy i'd rather be alone

Please cut him off completely, it seems you’re having far too much interaction with him. Doing things together with your ds shoukdbt ve happening under these circumstances and you know sleeping with him is a hard no. You’re giving him mixed signals. Even a stable man would struggle with that and your ex doesn’t sound stable.

You need to go zero contact other than co-parenting arrangements, and that means zero personal contact.

Thank you for your response, I agree with you completely.

He has always been the one to instigate these days out etc by making my son facetime me and ask me to come with them so I have struggled to say no. Now that I think clearly about it all it is obvious he is just keeping me at arms length so I dont meet anyone

Take the freedom program if you are in the UK. Study up on abuse and manipulation and realize you can push back.

You need to stop speaking to him. He sounds dreadful and you're best away from him. You need a clean break.

In his limited defense, if you were in his position and were harbouring hope of a reconciliation (no matter how misguided), the fact he has been friendly and having regular contact could seem like you're still interested?

Block him and don't mention anything about anyone new to him. It's none of his business.

Pp is right - going NC is the only way. He doesn’t want you as a friend, he wants to continue controlling you and a new man risks that control slipping. Explain to your son that mummy and daddy aren’t together any more so the trip to the cinema will just be with daddy and you’ll see him when he gets home. Your ex knows that using your son is a good way to control you.

Use a parenting app for communicating about child contact arrangements and block him on every other platform. No need for texts or calls.
If he recommences stalking you, report him to the police, urgently.

Do all handovers somewhere neutral with a camera, if you don’t already. McDonald’s is often used. Or a police station car park.

Turn off all location finders on your phone.

A new email address just for him and do not communicate any other way. No messages, definite no phone calls. If he rings, never answered it. Only read any voice mails he leaves. Do not ring back. Email from the new address “with reference to your phone call of today’s date regarding x matter ..,”.

Cameras at the house and dash cam for your car, front and back.

Be prepared for tantrums from him. Currently, he is in control of you and he likes it but you are assuming control of you and he won’t like that.

Stay strong.

Tell him if he keeps it up you'll be going to the police. Then block him. And if he finds another way to contact you, carry out your threat and go to the police.

Call th police and report him for domestic abuse harrassment and get a non molestation order to protect you

It sounds like he has access to your phone or laptop somehow (a keylogger maybe). I’d start with checking that and controlling how you communicate with him.

What do i do? I have sent him multiple messages asking him to please leave me alone but he just wont.

Sending him multiple messages asking him to leave you alone is a complete contradiction. You are just feeding him what he wants by contacting him regularly.

The absolute best thing you can do is download a parenting app for arrangements re your son, block him on everything else and have no further communications with him.

I know it's hard and I have friends who have been tied up in these cycles before and can't seem to cut their ex(es) off but you won't get away from it / him until you just completely ignore.

How on earth did he find out you were messaging someone online? If you don't know for sure, how do you think he knows? Did you tell him?

Regardless, tell him to stop and use a parenting app as someone else suggested.

This.

@Shootingstar1111 so you think the way to go is to sleep with him again??? for gods sake, get real!

Very supportive thank you!

Clearly you don't understand the way abusers and manipulators work??

She clearly DOESN'T think this. Feel thankful you clearly have no understand about harassment, coercive control and stalking. If you can't say anything constructive better not to say anything than to be needlessly nasty

This. The part about your OP that I find most chilling is how he found out you were speaking to someone online.

You set up an app to do parents and everything to do with your child is done through that. You block him on all other avenue's

if he uses the app to berate you you ignore them

He's harassing you. Give him one more chance to keep out of your life and tell him you will involve the police if he doesn't comply.
Check your devices, change passwords etc, in case he has access. As another PP recommended, use parenting app for communication re your son, and dont engage any further.
Hope this is enough to make him understand x

How did he find out? This would be my number one priority to sort out.

is he monitoring your messages some way? How does he know if you’ve not met this man yet?

Block and ignore, but keep all his old messages, especially the ones where he threatens you with losing your son (or threatens you with anything). That wouldn't play well in court.