Can coparent use a body cam?

[BookArt55]

High conflict coparent has just messaged saying he will be using a body cam at handovers abd will be informing the children who are 3 and 6.
Court order states handovers happen at a supermarket with cctv, it documents the emotional abuse towards me, that he tells the kids adult things.
He accuses me almost weekly of harrassment but has no evidence. And won't get any from handover.
However he does drag out handovers, tells the kids he is a lone without them, that he is going to mcdonalds or something straight after dropping them off, and other things. Kids have come home saying they want to do 7 days with him, exact wording he is using as he doesn't agree with the court order and tells me he is taking me back to court. It's only been 6 months. So the kids get upset leaving him but are fine after a couple of minutes in my car. They are absolutely fine from me to him, most handovers go through school and nursery. So only once a fortnight do I have to see him during term time.

I do feel scared of him, I do feel harassed by him. I don't have anything current that could possibly get me a NMO, I don't think, but it was suggested to get one earlier this year but I declined so he has the option of attending our child's medical appointments.

Can he wear a body camera and film handovers? Is this allowed?

I think he hopes to provoke me, I don't ever react. I give him nothing. But also he wants to film the kids getting upset and say it is because they hate me, love him, and he should have more time. Does that work in court?

How long were you with him before he switched personalities? It’s not about apportioning blame, your thread will be read by lots of women and could help someone.

Such an unhelpful post.

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? Their personality doesn’t just suddenly change, it’s done very slowly whilst they get into your head, they make you feel your the one at fault, they destroy you slowly, brain wash you all whilst working on the children……getting into their heads and making them believe daddy is much better than mummy.

It really sucks that a court will agree to and abusive man having access to his children. Even rapists are allowed contact with their children……..because it doesn’t matter that they hurt the mother of their children. This man is using his children as weapons.

OP, I feel for you I really do.

I would agree to the bodycam and I would wear one too. Also keep all the messages from him as anyone with any common sense will see that he’s still trying to abuse you and is doing it through the children.

Oh fuck OFF

..and then fuck OFF some more

That sound pretty victim blamey to me. Do you really think that these sorts of men show their true colours from the very start of the relationship? This behaviour often starts after children are born as the abuser feels more confident that their wife/partner is trapped in the relationship and can't leave.

Even when their wives/partners manage to escape, these men use the family courts to continue the abuse with the collusion of the misogynistic and male-dominated barristers and judges in family court.

On handovers, can you say “quickly now, we are doing xyz/have stickers in the car/favourite dish in the oven/granny is waiting for you” basically anything to distract them from the emotional abuse he is leveraging to make the DC feel guilty.

Bodycam, yes do the same.

Read up on Grey Rock, it’s helpful with these interactions.

I’m sorry OP. I experienced a man like this. The only way, eventually, that I managed to regain my sanity was grey rock as far as possible and not reacting to whatever new attention-seeking nonsense he tried to throw my way. I think I had got used to an adrenalin- filled reaction to each and every one of his new ways of trying to goad. It was exhausting. I ended up slowing down my reaction to each new crisis and being able to select what needed a reaction and what could be ignored - sometimes with help of friends. He did eventually realise it wasn’t getting him the attention he wanted as all this was his attempt of continuing his control of me. Yes see a lawyer but this also becomes expensive. In the end I found a truly great one having going through several, and that helped enormously. Handovers will get better as the DC get older though that doesn’t help you now. I keep only one way for him to contact - text only on a separate phone so I cd choose when I looked at it or get a friend to do so. I don’t know about body cams but I would have thought legally someone doesn’t have a right to film you with your DC without your consent - certainly a question for a lawyer and surely questionable about what is in the best interests of the children - it surely can’t be and that’s what courts are interested in.

Great idea about the stickers! Thank you! They love them. Distraction sounds great to me.

Thank you everyone for advice, it's been really helpful. And I feel a bit more prepared. Grey rocking is in full swing, so he now numbers his emails when I don't respond to his rants/not child focused messages. If I do respond they are BIFF and only focus on the bits about the kids. I ignore all the jabs.

Are you still in a court process OP or has it been concluded? If its concluded I would be inclined to refuse body cameras. Or if you are in court I would seek the agreement of the court first. From what you describe the father is currently unable to put the needs of the children at the forefront of his thinking and this means if he thinks filming everything is useful he will be pulled further into harmful behaviours designed to provoke the children and/or you into reacting negatively so he can evidence his position.

Read up on co-regulation. Everything you are doing from your end sounds good, work on all strategies to keep yourself calm and centred during handovers as this will help soothe the children's nervous systems even if their father cannot offer the same. 3 & 6 are so young to have to deal with this but you can teach them lots of important emotional regulation strategies that will be of life-long use to them.

If their father feels that things are not fair decision wise you may not get much change from his position until he has exhausted his protests about that. I would work on finding a back up person to facilitate the handovers with you that is not their grandmother. The NACCC has a list of contact centres that could be of use if direct handover become untenable.

Thanks for this. We finished in court 6 months ago, and he repeatedly asks for 50/50 and tells me he taking me back to court, or is calling social services or the police yet again on me (nothing has ever come of it except a house visit from the police which worked in my favour due to the accusations made in court).
I think i may need to respond declining that this isn't in the best interests of the children. The court clearly said a place with cctv is good. And he had made accusations that ny friend who supported handovers was filming him and how it was harrassment and went to the police about that apparently. However, it was more about declining every single person in my support network.

The court will not look kindly on it being body cammed.
We used a supermarket car park and I'd park in front of the cctv. He tried filming me on phone for a while but soon got fed up of that...think he realised he looked like a dick.

Just be focused on transferring the kids, have the carrot ready - quick we going to the shop, or teddy is waiting in your carseat or stickers. Mix it up so they are excited each time.

Good luck.

Thank you! It's court ordered at a supermarket, but 5pm on a Sunday. So no one is around, except maybe an employee leaving. Judge's choice, definitely not mine. I think the carrot idea is great, and I will continue to grey rock him. He has said now that last handover i was unreasonable for explaining to the 3 year old that it was time to go and picking her up out of his arms (his arms were fairly firmly wrapped around her), while she cried, this was about 18mins after they arrived. I don't normally approach him or get that close, but she was exhausted and fell asleep in the 5 minute drive home. Apparently he wants to document how the kids feel leaving him. In reality a 20minute handover, being extremely tired as they have late nights with him and the emotional response to the handover... along with potentially his antics... seems to be the issue.
Carrot, grey rock, try and make it as quick as possible, give him nothing, coregulate, same routine once home, enjoy our time when together... plan.

The cctv will be recording so park nearest to the entrance. I found it acted as a deterrent to make ex behave.

Yes i relate to all you've said. Good to have your plan in place, keep up with the carrots. Asking dc what do you need when coming home to mummy might help - my dc is able to say i need a snack, cuddle and some tv time before i'm put to bed. They need time to transfer from one house to the other. It's made Sunday bedtime 30 minutes later, but worth it for a less anxious/dysregulated child.

Now mine are older they can run down the path to ex's car and wave from the pavement. It does get easier x