Feeling conflicted supporting partner

[nowondereh]

I hate that I’m typing this. But something in me feels triggered tonight.

I’ve been with my partner over a year. But we live almost a two hour drive away from each other.

My Partner’s dog died today and I feel incredibly sad for her. I know how awful it is. As a partner I think you should show up and I personally would go to visit her and spend time with her.

However, what has come up with me tonight is when my dog died at Christmas. I was absolutely heartbroken. I hated being in the house without my dog and the grief was absolutely unbearable.
I felt so lonely and my DC was staying overnight with my ex.
So I was on my own in the house. My partner was working so went to do her usual shift and then afterwards went to visit her family and stayed with them for a few days over Christmas, so we didn’t see each other. I wondered if she was going to come and see me before going to see her family but she didn’t.

I was so lonely and sad, I just couldn’t bear being in the house.
I think it’s making me realise how surprised I feel that she didn’t come to see me. I don’t know if that sounds selfish or entitled.

I hate that I am typing this and I really don’t want it to sound like I am just selfish and I wouldn’t say this to her. Her dog doesn’t live with her because the dog lives with her family members as she moved out several years ago. But I know she still absolutely loves her dog.

I don’t really know I want from typing this. I think it’s just dawned on me how she wasn’t really there in person when I was going through it.

Why do you feel so bad in sharing these feelings here? Why do you hate that you are typing this?.

Do you often believe your feelings are not valid or not as important as other people's?

They seem perfectly reasonable feelings and it is unsurprising that you have been thinking about it today.

Today may not be the moment to discuss this with your partner but why do you feel so bad even thinking about it?

@MojoMooni suppose I just feel guilty for having these thoughts now when I know she’s so sad.
it just reminded me of how I felt and I haven’t thought about it in a while. I wouldn’t mention it to her now at all as that wouldn’t be fair or appropriate. But it’s definitely highlighted something for me. And it’s just brought up a couple of times when I felt like she hasn’t been there for me like I have been for her.

You were with each other about 3 months when your dog died, you're now with each other over a year so a deeper in the relationship, her dog died and you're not with her. How do you think she's feeling about you right now?

@Heyisforhorses
I understand what you are saying, but it is harder for me to go to her today because I have a very young DC.

It's difficult to say if you are unresonable or not.

I love dogs, and I understand the sorrow and pain of losing a dog. It's awful.
So sorry to hear about your dog not being with you anymore, and the same about your partner's dog.

Not an excuse, but perhaps an explanation: When your dog died, your partner was busy with work, and then it was Christmas, too. Maybe she felt that she had to focus on her family during Christmas.
What were your plans during Christmas? Maybe she thought you would be together with your family (parents, siblings, etc. I know that your wrote that your child was with your ex.)
Also, you and your partner live two hours apart.

About the current situation, with your partner's dog. Can you call her and support her that way?

I hope everything will work out for you. I wish you all the best!

To be fair to OP, their partner left the dog behind when they moved out many years ago. So they clearly weren't that bothered by the dog.

I think this has thrown a great big spotlight on how you are invested more in this relationship that your partner @nowondereh

@SkaneTos
i did call her this evening and we talked for a while. I do understand about Christmas, which is why I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable. She knew that I wasn’t with my family. And I did then have DC with me after that for a couple of days. And then I saw my partner in the New Year when she got back from seeing her family

@nowondereh
Okay, I understand. Good that you could talk.

Is your partner supportive in general? About other things?

@SkaneTosi think in some ways yes. She can be supportive over the phone. There have been a couple of times I would have liked her to have been physically there for me and she hasn’t but has texted or voice noted me supportive messages

It sounds like maybe you aren’t aligned.

This isn’t going to be popular with everyone but I have had dogs die. Great family pet but I wasn’t devastated. I don’t need to be supported nor would I have expected my partner to travel to see me because of it.

I understand you feel that way but it everyone.does so it wouldn’t occur to me to do any of what you have suggested over a dog.

You were only seeing each other a very short time before your dog dead and it was Christmas so on thet basis alone, I don't think it's an issue.

What's your level of independence and resilience like to? Any change of being needy? No evidence in your post but just something that may be worth considering.

That said, if there multiple similar istances of feeling unsupported or that it's not 50/50 then maybe it's not the relationship for you.

Has your partner said she wants you to come and see her? When your dog died did you tell her you wanted her to visit?

People deal with grief in different ways - some want company, some want to be alone. Many people assume that other people want what they themselves would want and react in that way.