Out of control 10 year old

[xtaurus97x]

I’m honestly crying out for any help and advice. I have a 10 year old son. He’s always had aggressive tendencies since he was a toddler. I’m not sure where this has come from as Iv always tried to be calm and never used aggression to deal with situations. The issue I have is he is now 10 and very big and becoming more and more aggressive with his age. He is verbally abusive towards me and threatening often smashing things and hitting things and trying to square up to me if that makes sence. Now Iv tried over the years to become aware of his “triggers” but it’s come to the point where everything is now a trigger. From brushing his teeth to showering to even his dinner being “too hot”. When he has these outbursts which have become constant now all through the day he shouts and is aggressive, his language is awful towards me calling me everything he can. He’s thrown things at me before and kicked and hit me before. Iv had to restrain him before to stop him from hurting me or himself. This has got to the point where I’m just at my wits end I don’t know what to do anymore everything is a problem and no matter how gentle or considerate or even on the other end of the chart, strict I am, nothing has ever worked. Iv been doing this for 10 years now and its making me so depressed. I don’t enjoy my time at home and I don’t enjoy my time with him because it’s constant aggression and abusive language. Iv always been on my own with him I now also have a 8 month old too. So I’m doing all I can to try and keep him calm for my other son to have a calm environment too but it’s just constant with his aggression. Iv been to the doctors time and time again but they needed the school to refer him, the problem is he masks at school and is a model student there, just a completly different child. The school won’t refer because there’s no problem there and he’s a “perfect child” there. And the doctors now won’t give me a appointment to see them because it’s a behavioural issue that the school and me have to deal with. I’m going to change doctors soon so I can get a second opinion and try to see if I get any luck with another doctors at referal. I can’t afford to go private as Iv looked and consultations on there own are £700 at the lowest end. I just feel like I’m living trying to get through every minute right now, it’s constant and I’m emotionally so drained. Please if anyone has any help or advice I’m open to it because I just feel so low and hopeless right now.

I'm so sorry you are facing this alone. I would keep a record of everything he does (what the trigger was, how you handled it, what helped him calm down) and take photos of any injuries and damage that occur.

Pastoral at school may be able to refer you for support from Early Help and what support is available is then dependent on your local authority. See more here: learning.nspcc.org.uk/safeguarding-child-protection/early-help-and-early-intervention

Whilst he is masking at school and therefore the school feel they cannot put anything in place in school to support, they should still be able to signpost you to services in your area. You could try and ring child Social Services and ask them direct, but services are overwhelmed and under resourced with a lack of staff and funding so you may be waiting a while.

I'm shocked the GP won't do anything to help you. I would ask them for mental health support for yourself as well as your DS. But again services are overwhelmed and underfunded.

Are you able to self refer to CAMHS in your area?

Do you think it's autism that he is masking - is there a local branch of the National Autistic Society you can contact for advice?

As he is 10, you could try the local police non emergency line and tell them what is happening and if they have any advice? If you feel in danger, or that your baby is in danger, please consider calling the police in an emergency. Sometimes that's what is needed to escalate your case and get the support you and your DS need.

My son went through a phase of being physically and verbally abusive. It's very frightening as a single mum with disabilities, especially as they become much bigger and stronger. I was genuinely scared that he was going to kill me.

I did a parenting course called Empowering parents, which helped me a great deal. It's a bit American, but it really helped. He's still no angel now, but the physical and verbal abuse have simmered way down, and his behaviour is much more manageable now.

Routine was also a massive help. He does have developmental delays, learning difficulties and behavioural problems

The GP doesn’t need to wait for school to refer, the GP can refer you. Kids do mask at school, my ASD daugher did, which meant she wasn’t properly diagnosed by CAMHS until 17.

Thankyou for your responses I really appreciate them❤️ unfortunately there’s in no self referral in my area but I’m just going to keep ringing the doctors and the school and going in , even if I have to go down multiple times a day for someone to listen. He massively masks at school it’s like as soon as he leaves them school gates and gets in the car he’s explodes. It really can’t be nice for him either all this up and down in emotions he must be exhausted from it. I’m just really hoping for some help soon 🤞