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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Were we wrong?

27 replies

Travelmad25 · 09/09/2025 17:10

Quick one really.

Hubby booked and paid for a holiday which was predominately for his mum who we have had a fractured relationship with over the last few years due to an issue with his brother (wont drip feed, far too much but we are NC)

Last day of the holiday which parents haven't contributed in any way as they have only SP and are constantly in their overdraft. We have recently paid for their boiler replacement, new tv, wardrobe, paid to get carpets cleaned etc.. you get the picture... suddenly she announces that she must go and buy DBIL (who's name shall not be said) some shortbread, not walkers shortbread, a really nice shortbread in a nice tin....

This is after we have bought them meals, coffees etc.. and havent had so much as a thank you or a cup of tea....

My hubby and I think this is downright rude and disrespectful (huge family rift in the background because of DBIL) so we leave.. She now isnt talking to us and we are the bad ones.

Were we unreasonable?

Now Im not saying she can't buy her son shortbread - but she could have done that privately and not announced it when her other son has spent thousands on a holiday and food/drinks...

OP posts:
NebulousSadTimes · 09/09/2025 17:15

She sounds like someone who will set you up to react so she can call you unreasonable. No, I don't think you were wrong.

If you are aware of her potential tactics you can protect yourself against them. They are not easy people to deal with.

Flowers
DeQuin · 09/09/2025 17:16

no, absolutely not in the wrong. you know you are not in the wrong. this is just repeating pattern bullshit.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 17:16

You're not wrong but I don't think a tin of shortbread was the hill to die on, really.

KpopDemon · 09/09/2025 17:19

is Dbil the golden child?

you and your dh don’t stand a chance.

Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet · 09/09/2025 17:23

Memo to self stop spending money on those who don't appreciate it..

Spirallingdownwards · 09/09/2025 17:24

Well cut off the money tree. No more boilers, carpet cleaning etc and especially no more holidays. She can do it herself or ask DBIL to pay.

Beanie567 · 09/09/2025 17:25

Why on earth are you trying so hard with them? Are you constantly trying and hoping for a different reaction or response? You can’t change their behaviour but you can change your expectations and maybe review where your energy is being sapped by them and they’re upsetting you both. It doesn’t have to be like this. You are allowed to pull back and support from a distance, take a look at what is good for you not for them.

indoorplantqueen · 09/09/2025 17:26

You sound petty. If you can’t give a gift to them or pay for things without holding a grudge then just stop doing it. You sound like a martyr.

it’s a tin of biscuits.

Glurgle · 09/09/2025 17:28

Seems like an odd thing to tip you over the edge.

You seem very resentful of the money your DH has spent on his parents. Maybe that's the source of your problem here?

And is he actually as upset as you about the desire to buy his DB a tin of shortbread, or have you been egging him on?

Heronwatcher · 09/09/2025 17:45

I understand why you’re annoyed but I think you are being U. You know she’s not cut contact with the brother and its a box of biscuits not a car/ house/ etc.

It almost sounds as though you’re trying to buy her into hating the BIL which isn’t going to work and is a bit manipulative. I think if you’re going to continue to extend generous gifts you probably have to accept that this is who she is and make your decision about whether you want to continue on that basis.

GAJLY · 09/09/2025 17:46

I see nothing wrong with that. I wouldn't have fallen out with her over it. If she thanked your husband then surely the holiday/boiler etc comes with no strings?

Talipesmum · 09/09/2025 17:47

Heronwatcher · 09/09/2025 17:45

I understand why you’re annoyed but I think you are being U. You know she’s not cut contact with the brother and its a box of biscuits not a car/ house/ etc.

It almost sounds as though you’re trying to buy her into hating the BIL which isn’t going to work and is a bit manipulative. I think if you’re going to continue to extend generous gifts you probably have to accept that this is who she is and make your decision about whether you want to continue on that basis.

Exactly this.

Oreosareawful · 09/09/2025 17:49

She should have gone out in secret to buy shortbread?

SunshineAndFizz · 09/09/2025 17:51

I imagine there’s a guilt with her, for enjoying a lovely holiday that DBIL isn’t a part of, and buying him biscuits is her way of trying to do something nice for him when she comes back so she doesn't feel too guilty.

That said, if she’s not grateful to you and DH then rein in the spending.

LuckyNumberFive · 09/09/2025 17:53

The money for boiler, holiday etc either comes with strings attached or it doesn't, but be clear about that. As long as an appropriate "thank you" is given, what more do you want? It's unfair of you to comment on a small personal purchase.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with a parent buying a tin of biscuits for their other child as a souvenir from a holiday.

I expect you're more annoyed about your husband/household finances funding the holiday/boiler/etc than you are over shortbread, in which case the pair of you can learn to say no.

OnceIn · 09/09/2025 17:57

Chances are your DB has picked up his bad behaviour because of the way he was treated by your DM, or he’s copied her behaviour, so it’s no surprise she did this and reacted in that way.

notinscotland · 09/09/2025 18:01

Had you planned to leave the holiday location separately and you just left earlier than originally planned on the last day (not an issue), or did you leave them stranded? Did you say that the reason for leaving early/without them was because of the comments on the shortbread?

More generally, they ABU for accepting your help, money, gifts, and hospitality and never saying thanks. They are also BU for not speaking to you, unless they've asked for some time off/said let's talk later when calm. For you I suspect the shortbread patter was the last straw, for her it may just have been natural to say what she was doing, maybe she wanted to bring up BIL because she thinks the rift is unnecessary and shouldn't be normalised.

Tangential: shortbread has three ingredients combined in a very simply formula (twice as much butter as sugar, twice as much flour as butter). There are limits to how "nice" commercial shortbread could be and she'd be better off making it from scratch.

SukiPook · 09/09/2025 18:08

You were being unreasonable I would say. It was the last day of the holiday, sounds like it occurred to her to buy a holiday gift for her son who wasn't there. (She wasn't buying it to thank him for something so it's not really comparable). It doesn't sound like it was done as a snub to you.I mean, a tin of biscuits nomatter how nice probably wouldn't be a big enough thank you to you two anyway for all the money you've spent on them.. But to willingly spend all that money on them and bring them on a nice holiday and then blow up over her saying that she's going to buy the other son biscuits as a holiday present is just silly, nomatter how nice the tin.
On the other hand I can see WHY you both got so annoyed if the other son is the golden child and if you and your husband never get thanks - of course that is highly annoying. So, I totally get why you both got angry. But by actually doing this over a tin of shortbread (even though I understand that the rage arose unintentionally and you probably couldn't help getting so annoyed in the moment), you will have appeared to your MIL as being unreasonable and petty. So even though I completely understand the anger and I completely understand how it all blew up, I think it was still unfortunately quite unreasonable to blow up and cut her off over the biscuits. Yes, straw that broke the camels back and all that but I'm still voting you as unreasonable. Because the mum I don't think can reasonably be expected to see that you don't want to hear or see her buying shortbread for her son. It just comes across as a silly reason to cut her off and rather than backing up what you're actually annoyed about it sort of obscures it. Plus once you resent someone for not being grateful and blow up at them about it... unfortunately too that will just damage the relationship and it's impossible to then be grateful in the face of resentment. So you have kinda taken the good out of all the lovely things you have done for them financially.. Sure you still did them and they SHOULD be grateful but they're not going to feel that right now because you've made them feel that you begrudge them it and that you are both resentful... But maybe when things are calmer your husband could apologise to them re biscuitgate and explain what you were both really annoyed at? And hopefully then they would realise that they have been taking advantage financially and that it wasn't ok? I'm not sure what way you could handle it but I do wish you all the best with it and i hope it all calms down.

Original poster
Travelmad25 · 09/09/2025 18:14

To not be appreciative of a son who has helped and supported by saying "thanks son" or "let me buy you a coffee as a thanks for a lovely holiday" but making a fuss about buying the brother whom he is estranged from just seemed completely unnecessary and off to me when she knows they are estranged and DH has no intention of rekindling any form of relationship with..

We are going to support from a distance as a PP said. Thanks all

OP posts:
whimsicallyprickly · 09/09/2025 18:15

She bought her No Contact son some shortbread and you LEFT ? What the fuck? Are you mad?

Why can't she buy her son some shortbread?

Do you expect her to be no contact with her son because you are no contact with him?

Do you expect her to be no contact with her son to pay you back for all the money you have spent ?

It beggars belief 🤣🤣

Flakey99 · 09/09/2025 18:19

Yes, you are wrong to be so petty about a poxy tin of biscuits.

Presumably you freely chose to spend the money on his parents unless they were holding a gun to your head?

The way I look at it is that the parents have already paid their dues bringing up DH and his brother so it’s the turn of the adult kids to pay them back.

That’s how I felt when taking care of my mum before she died.

What DBIL does or doesn’t do is irrelevant to the situation. Your DH isn’t responsible for him only for his own actions.

Why do you think that his parents owe you their undying gratitude?

Toomanywaterbottles · 09/09/2025 18:22

YABU.

Original poster
Travelmad25 · 09/09/2025 18:22

SukiPook · 09/09/2025 18:08

You were being unreasonable I would say. It was the last day of the holiday, sounds like it occurred to her to buy a holiday gift for her son who wasn't there. (She wasn't buying it to thank him for something so it's not really comparable). It doesn't sound like it was done as a snub to you.I mean, a tin of biscuits nomatter how nice probably wouldn't be a big enough thank you to you two anyway for all the money you've spent on them.. But to willingly spend all that money on them and bring them on a nice holiday and then blow up over her saying that she's going to buy the other son biscuits as a holiday present is just silly, nomatter how nice the tin.
On the other hand I can see WHY you both got so annoyed if the other son is the golden child and if you and your husband never get thanks - of course that is highly annoying. So, I totally get why you both got angry. But by actually doing this over a tin of shortbread (even though I understand that the rage arose unintentionally and you probably couldn't help getting so annoyed in the moment), you will have appeared to your MIL as being unreasonable and petty. So even though I completely understand the anger and I completely understand how it all blew up, I think it was still unfortunately quite unreasonable to blow up and cut her off over the biscuits. Yes, straw that broke the camels back and all that but I'm still voting you as unreasonable. Because the mum I don't think can reasonably be expected to see that you don't want to hear or see her buying shortbread for her son. It just comes across as a silly reason to cut her off and rather than backing up what you're actually annoyed about it sort of obscures it. Plus once you resent someone for not being grateful and blow up at them about it... unfortunately too that will just damage the relationship and it's impossible to then be grateful in the face of resentment. So you have kinda taken the good out of all the lovely things you have done for them financially.. Sure you still did them and they SHOULD be grateful but they're not going to feel that right now because you've made them feel that you begrudge them it and that you are both resentful... But maybe when things are calmer your husband could apologise to them re biscuitgate and explain what you were both really annoyed at? And hopefully then they would realise that they have been taking advantage financially and that it wasn't ok? I'm not sure what way you could handle it but I do wish you all the best with it and i hope it all calms down.

We left the accommodation to avoid the argument about it as she just kicks off.. She then cut us off...

He is the golden child and my hubby is the invisible child who just gets to do all the usual caring stuff, appointments etc whilst his brother has a cup of tea once a month and the carpet gets rolled out for him GrinGrin

Safe to say - DBIL will have the stand up now and be counted. Its not the biscuits, its the sheer principle and its the latest in a long long line of similar experiences. Leopard never changes its spots as they say.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/09/2025 18:30

It sounds like a “straw that broke the camel’s back” type situation that sounds petty from the outside but is hard to picture.

I can understand that being the invisible child to BIL’s golden child must be horrible. And your husband is probably stuck in the FOG and finds it hard not to oblige his Mum.

The shortbread itself - buying a souvenir for someone not present is fairly normal - but would be interested to know what form the fuss that she made took.

I feel sorry for your husband being so unappreciated by his Mum.

CoffeeCantata · 09/09/2025 18:36

whimsicallyprickly · 09/09/2025 18:15

She bought her No Contact son some shortbread and you LEFT ? What the fuck? Are you mad?

Why can't she buy her son some shortbread?

Do you expect her to be no contact with her son because you are no contact with him?

Do you expect her to be no contact with her son to pay you back for all the money you have spent ?

It beggars belief 🤣🤣

No, I get how OP feels. Sometimes it’s the last straw which breaks the camel’s back.

in this case a stupid bit of tactlessness from the MIL.