Intense 'friend'

[LAM1407]

Just going to preface this by saying i am an introverted extrovert, I get on with most people but do find it draining sometimes.
There is a mum from the school that our children go to, and she is really nice. But very very intense. She has told me (without prompting) all about her marriage, depression, family, life in general, I've not told her so much about mine. She is really clingy with me, compliments me all the time (which is very awkward to me) hints that we have in jokes to others and is just a lot. It's got to the point that if im speaking to another mum at school pickup she goes into herself and texts me after getting home to check I'm OK.. i'm fine, just don't want to only speak with one person. How do I get around this. Do i just have to tell her that shes being too much for me? Gradually phase contact out to a degree?My husband thinks its weird that she is being clingy but thinks if she is depressed that might be why, so I really don't want to upset her just don't cope too well with intense people.

I had something similar. A girl who I’m not even friends with messaging me asking why I’m not replying to her messages as she wants to meet for a coffee. We mentioned a coffee ages ago when we met in a class and I’ve now got a baby. It’s like you’re not my priority and you’re being just way too intense.

I met somebody like this at an event recently, within 10 minutes I knew far too much about their personal circumstances, family situation, career history, ex-husband, child custody arrangements, etc. I was seated next to them and within an hour I was done! They exhausted me!

It's got to the point that if im speaking to another mum at school pickup she goes into herself and texts me after getting home to check I'm OK.

That's next-level intensity. It's properly obsessive. The oversharing I could probably tolerate, but not this.

You need to nip this in the bud before the gets her claws in. She sounds unstable and she could be difficult to get rid of, especially if you get to know her better. Try the grey rock technique on her. Make yourself as boring as possible. If she starts asking what’s wrong, just smile vacantly and say you’re tired. Rinse and repeat until she finds someone else.

God its hard. I have a colleague we do school bus. Rings me alot. Phone rang one friday night at 10. I started saying Im not on phone much at wends. Think she lonely.. you have to nip it in bud

I agree with @DiscoNights OP. I had a neighbour like this and I wasn't quick enough to create some distance - I was trying to be kind because I thought she was a little lonely. She became a total nightmare. Oversharing like you've described and the general level of intensity at such an early stage of knowing someone are massive red flags for me now. I think we sometimes overlook things like this in friends/acquaintances but if it was a romantic relationship we'd have alarm bells ringing much earlier. I think the fact it is making you uncomfortable is a perfectly valid reason to withdraw and create some space.

I think she’s acting out how she thinks a friendship should be but hasn’t considered your half of the whole thing and doesn’t understand a lot of social rules. She just knows she likes you and feels comfortable around you.

My DD has suffered a friendship like this that went on all the way through primary and secondary. There’s no kind way, really. If you’re straightforward she’ll feel humiliated, if you’re subtle she’ll never get it.

What I’ve seen when adults are like this is people being nice to them in a way you would with children then all looking at each other afterwards with an amused knowing look rather than being real friends with them. I always feel really uncomfortable about that.

It’s difficult.

Grey rock is good advice. Just give non-committal responses, don't reply to texts, don't smile, and try to find someone else to talk to whenever you're at school and she's there. As another PP said, you would see this behaviour as a huge red flag in a romantic relationship. It's also a red flag for a friendship and you'll end up resenting her as she sucks you into her orbit.

Yeah that is what really made me realise how intense she has actually been. Ive completely backed away this week at the school run. And blunt on any messages/ignored.

Yes absolutely agree. I've looked into the grey rock method and will give that a go, seems the best way to deal with it.

Yep, that's what made me think hard about everything!

Well, be more direct. Say ‘Why are you checking up on me? Why wouldn’t I be ok?’ Make her come out into the open. If she replies saying ‘I thought you were being cold towards me’, you just say ‘I wasn’t cold, I was just talking to X.’ And if she texts again because you were talking to someone else on the school run, say ‘Look, Y, I’m not comfortable with this level of scrutiny of who I’m talking to.’

Absolutely will be doing those things. Already pretty much said one of those yesterday, she asked if I was OK and I replied with ' I'm fine, was just talking to x'

Sure, but I think you’re still doing too much if the work here. If she asks if you’re ok again, just say ‘Why wouldn’t I be?’ Or ‘That’s the second/third/ninth time you’ve texted me to ask this — what’s up?’

Make her actually spell out that she thinks you’re off with her because you were talking to someone other than her. Then you can respond briskly to that.

Very true 😄

I'll definitely be adopting the techniques mentioned, struggle being abrupt but definitely need to lay down the law with her. Our two youngest kids will both start reception at the school next year and I can't deal with this for another 8ish years, so abrupt it is!

You are not her therapist, being friends is meant to be mutua l would just starting being firm

'I'm fine thanks'

I met a woman like this a couple of years ago...
I used to be in a community choir and sang in the alto section. One day, this woman who used to be a soprano, decided to swap over and sit with the altos instead.
I'd seen this woman most weeks for 3 years, but honestly never spoken to her. She wasn't in my section and it was a large choir. You kind of made friends with the people in your immediate sections, and as we'd all tend to sit in the same seats week to week, you'd only get to really know the people around you.

But this woman wanted to move. Fine. Whatever.

She came and sat next to me. And I kid you not, her opening sentence was "I'm thinking of breaking things off with my fiance." Like, wtf?
I was blown away. I like to think I made sympathetic noises, and uttered such phrases as "you've got to do what's right for you." But jesus christ woman, I don't even know your name and you're unburdening THIS on me?!

I've got an acquaintance who often asks if I'm ok, it irritates me. But I think its her version of "hi how's your day going" just to have some contact and maybe start up a conversation. It irritates me less when I remind myself of that.

Another one for nip it in the bud now, you aren’t responsible for another adults happiness or mental health.

Get her onto the topic of politics and disagree strongly with one of her political points then ask her about it and remain silent.