Just started nursery, Not settling in.

ThreenagerCentral · 09/09/2025 13:33

I can’t really tell what your question is to be honest, but if they think your child has SEN you need a proper conversation with them about it. You need to know the nature of their concerns and what support they’re putting in place. You have called it nursery and also said he goes to a classroom and is three which makes me think it might be a preschool? If so, there should be a SENCO who can talk to you about this and signpost to further support.

Ultimately if it’s a private nursery they can indeed call you to collect him whenever they like. If it’s a LA maintained preschool they can also do this but you will have a stronger foot to argue he is entitled to 30 hours a week in their setting and ask what support they’re putting into place to enable this to happen.

i do wish you the best of luck though, it can be tricky to navigate.

Mrsttcno1 · 09/09/2025 13:36

Is it a private nursery or a pre-school? As PP says it depends. If private then yeah they can ring whenever if he’s not settled, and lots of nurseries do, if it’s a LA preschool it’s a bit different.

What are their SEN concerns and have they made any suggestions?

Smartiepants79 · 09/09/2025 13:40

How extreme is his behaviour when you leave? How long can he keep screaming for?
I would expect a setting to be trying quite hard to settle him before calling you.
Some of the behaviours you mention do ring some alarm bells. Can he communicate independently at all? Or does he only repeat the things others say?

Dramatic · 09/09/2025 13:43

I think if they are concerned about SEN within such a short time then his behaviours must be fairly extreme, I would work with them to try and get things in place so that he can stay for the full session.

Rubyredshoes12 · 09/09/2025 13:45

I do think he needs helps especially with his language, and he can't really communicate he'll copy everything you say like a parrot. He likes to do the same thing over and over again. He doesn't like loud noises.
Hell watch or do things on repeat too

Have you mentioned this to anyone before? A HV or GP? Mainly the communication thing. Can you explain what you mean by that. Can he say “I want my water” “No I don’t like that” for example

Rubyredshoes12 · 09/09/2025 13:46

I think you need a proper meeting with the nursery if it is a private one about a proper pathway and settling in sessions for your son

Original poster

Coldteaclub · 09/09/2025 13:50

@Mrsttcno1 it's not a private school,
They come out to do a home visit before he started, And he can't really communicate properly or have a conversation he says phrases, or repeats words he can tell you when he wants a juice or the big step (potty) They was watching how he was playing etc. and asked if we had him assed? Now we haven't because SALT had said he had to be in a nursery setting for 6 months or more?

I find it all abit different I've not had a child in nursery for 13 years! And my other three never went through any of this with.

I think I'm finding it difficult, Because I feel like I'm failing as a parent. But then I feel like they are not giving him a chance.

When I've been sat in the classroom with him and they have carpet time, they won't come and get him or ask him to join. They just kind of let him plod on do his own thing. And I don't even know if that's a normal thing to be doing?

And all they have said is well see how he gets on and in a couple of weeks we'll re - group and go from there on regards to what he needs.

OP posts:

Bobnobob · 09/09/2025 13:54

Was your child at home with you before this or was he in another childcare setting? If he was at home with you and this is the first time he’s really been away from you for extended periods then no wonder he is finding it tough and may just need time to settle.

There are definitely red flags for SEN in your post.. particularly that he cannot communicate at 3. Coupled with you being an older mother (presumably given you haven’t had a child in nursery for many years) I would say definitely get him on a waiting list for an assessment

Original poster

Coldteaclub · 09/09/2025 13:56

@Rubyredshoes12 we've had extra settling in sessions before the summer holidays started,

I've had chats with the headteacher, And all she said was well see how he gets on and then on a couple of weeks we'll re-group and go from there, to see about extra help or support, But at the moments we feel abit lost. As silly as it sounds? But I will definitely be having another chat tomorrow.
They've asked to bring him in after the gates close tomorrow so 9am and leave him there untill. 10.30am again

OP posts:

Rubyredshoes12 · 09/09/2025 13:58

Coldteaclub · 09/09/2025 13:56

@Rubyredshoes12 we've had extra settling in sessions before the summer holidays started,

I've had chats with the headteacher, And all she said was well see how he gets on and then on a couple of weeks we'll re-group and go from there, to see about extra help or support, But at the moments we feel abit lost. As silly as it sounds? But I will definitely be having another chat tomorrow.
They've asked to bring him in after the gates close tomorrow so 9am and leave him there untill. 10.30am again

I think you need to gain a bit of control and advocate for your child here, it sounds like you’ve taken a bit of a step back and let others tell you what’s going on?

The earlier your child gets help the better the outcome, you must know these are red flags for a 3 year old not to be able to communicate well.

You may find that he just will not settle if he is not in the right environment if he does have SEN. It seems like he might need a break from the nursery and to have a chat with the headteacher when they are available about the best course of action. I think dropping him off and hoping for the best despite being told this week that your child may have SEN and is clearly distressed at nursery it might be best to speak to them first

Original poster

Coldteaclub · 09/09/2025 14:03

@Smartiepants79
He does scream, And he will shout mummy or daddy whoever has taken him that day. He runs about looking for us he won't interact with other children either.

I was there yesterday and I had to hide on the floor at the end of the classroom to see how he'd react. And he finally settled and they took me out the back. I went and sat in the car. And 30 mins after I got the call to collect.

With the communication - He can say juice please
Bed time
Bath - this took a while also for him to get used to water he would not get in the bath
Night
Love you

But if I was to say how was your day. He wouldn't be able to reply,

Or what's Ur name? Again it's like he doesn't understand.

OP posts:

Original poster

Coldteaclub · 09/09/2025 14:13

@Bobnobob 🥴 I am an older mum but I'm only 39 so I don't think I'm that old to be honest. Out of touch though yes.. alot of changes since my other kids went to school.

But I do understand I will definitely be asking again I had asked about him being assessed, But they wouldn't do it untill he was in a nursery setting for 6 months or more which he hasn't,

Oh and I totally understand that he'd be very anxious about us leaving him, but it's not as if he's never had time away from us, Both of us work full time and he does breakdown when we leave but about 10 mins after he's absolutely fine,

OP posts:

Original poster

Coldteaclub · 09/09/2025 14:20

@Rubyredshoes12
I know what you mean, I don't think I feel I've took a step back I'm constantly asking questions, and trying to understand why they are doing, what they are doing, and the way they are doing it?

I spotted the way he was a while ago that's why i told the health visitor - Who refferd us to SALT at the time and back in may I attended the online classes they said to wait six months to see if he comes along. And if not to contact them again.

I will definitely be pushing it abit more now. I keep getting people saying different things that's why I come on here just ask.

I find it all very conflicting and overwhelming - some say he's three he'll grow out of it - Some say he needs the help.

OP posts:

Rubyredshoes12 · 09/09/2025 14:28

Coldteaclub · 09/09/2025 14:20

@Rubyredshoes12
I know what you mean, I don't think I feel I've took a step back I'm constantly asking questions, and trying to understand why they are doing, what they are doing, and the way they are doing it?

I spotted the way he was a while ago that's why i told the health visitor - Who refferd us to SALT at the time and back in may I attended the online classes they said to wait six months to see if he comes along. And if not to contact them again.

I will definitely be pushing it abit more now. I keep getting people saying different things that's why I come on here just ask.

I find it all very conflicting and overwhelming - some say he's three he'll grow out of it - Some say he needs the help.

I see, that does sound really hard work. You are in the middle and everyone’s telling you different things. I’d go with your gut x

Original poster

Coldteaclub · 09/09/2025 14:33

@Rubyredshoes12 I definitely will be doing thank you Xx

OP posts:

NotEnoughKnittingTime · 09/09/2025 14:37

He sounds autistic to me, OP. They don't tend to mention SEN if they have no reason to.

NotEnoughKnittingTime · 09/09/2025 14:41

Coldteaclub · 09/09/2025 13:50

@Mrsttcno1 it's not a private school,
They come out to do a home visit before he started, And he can't really communicate properly or have a conversation he says phrases, or repeats words he can tell you when he wants a juice or the big step (potty) They was watching how he was playing etc. and asked if we had him assed? Now we haven't because SALT had said he had to be in a nursery setting for 6 months or more?

I find it all abit different I've not had a child in nursery for 13 years! And my other three never went through any of this with.

I think I'm finding it difficult, Because I feel like I'm failing as a parent. But then I feel like they are not giving him a chance.

When I've been sat in the classroom with him and they have carpet time, they won't come and get him or ask him to join. They just kind of let him plod on do his own thing. And I don't even know if that's a normal thing to be doing?

And all they have said is well see how he gets on and in a couple of weeks we'll re - group and go from there on regards to what he needs.

My son speaks mostly single words and is the same age as your son. He has just started doing mornings at a school preschool and we have just started on the pathway to getting assessed for autism.

NotEnoughKnittingTime · 09/09/2025 14:43

Coldteaclub · 09/09/2025 14:03

@Smartiepants79
He does scream, And he will shout mummy or daddy whoever has taken him that day. He runs about looking for us he won't interact with other children either.

I was there yesterday and I had to hide on the floor at the end of the classroom to see how he'd react. And he finally settled and they took me out the back. I went and sat in the car. And 30 mins after I got the call to collect.

With the communication - He can say juice please
Bed time
Bath - this took a while also for him to get used to water he would not get in the bath
Night
Love you

But if I was to say how was your day. He wouldn't be able to reply,

Or what's Ur name? Again it's like he doesn't understand.

It is best to do a cheery wave and bye bye. Don't hide in the classroom as you will be drawing it out. You could possibly each day show him a picture of the nursery before you set off in the morning.I hate to say it but maybe a full day might be too much for him?

NotEnoughKnittingTime · 09/09/2025 14:47

Ignore the last bit. Seems he is doing short sessions. It isn't uncommon for children without SEN to be crying quite a bit when they haven't been to nursery before let alone SEN children.

Original poster

Coldteaclub · 09/09/2025 14:49

@NotEnoughKnittingTime I know, The more I read about it the more it does sound like it,

But I just thought with him only being three, Like years ago they used to just say there a little behind they'll come along.

Maybe it was missed years ago that's why so many adults now are diagnosed with a form of autism, I know they wouldn't mention it if they didn't think he wasn't. I think sometimes you find it hard as a parent, And like I've said I've never been in this situation before. It's all very new to me so I'm just trying to understand everything that's going on.

I hope your little one gets the help he needs Xx

OP posts:

Moonnstars · 09/09/2025 14:51

There are definitely a lot of indicators for sen. Is the nursery linked to a school? Is there a sendco you can organise a meeting with alongside the nursery leader?

The sooner any needs are identified then a better plan could be put in place - this might include funding for a TA, as you say no one is making him join in, but if he screams/refuses then the staff may feel it's in everyone's best interests to leave him with the activity he is sat doing, so if he had a 1:1 they would either be able to do that with him or try and encourage him into the group.

Sonolanona · 09/09/2025 14:51

Kindly, he has more red flags for autism than a communist parade.
Doesn't interact with other children, can't communicate, can't respond appropriately to simple questions, doesn't like change, echolaic in the speech he does have and clearly isn't coping in preschool. . He needs referral for an ASD assessment and pronto.
It's terrible that you have been told to wait and see, as he could have already been in the system for assessment, but you have been a bit passive about this given you've already had concerns. Never wait. Ever.
Speak to the SENCO asap, don't play down your concerns (and clearly they are already quite concerned) and get the ball rolling for an EHCP assessment. You do NOT have to wait for the school to request this, you can do it yourself (google it)
I'm sorry for sounding negative, but having worked in special ed for 20 years, it's so sad to see when small children who could have been getting special education/ support in, are left waiting..sometimes years, because they were told to wait and see. Speech delay on it's own isn't always a red flag, but combined with everything else he almost certainly is going to need extra support.

Get your hard hat on and start fighting for him now!!!

purser25 · 09/09/2025 14:55

Is he toilet trained yet?

Lifehaslifedme · 09/09/2025 15:22

I am a SENCo at a private nursery.Please speak to the SENCo at the nursery or self refer on the Graduated Response page on your council website if you have one.
It sounds like he needs support as you do as well.You are his advocate so I suggest you swing into action and start asking and being pro active.

JollyHostess101 · 09/09/2025 15:31

We had this and it took about 5 weeks for her to turn the corner….. I never thought we’d get a full day out of her- they were even talking about giving us notice if she didn’t start to settle!

Something just clicked and she started settling! Can’t help with SEN stuff though as it was me thinking there was something wrong at the time!!