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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD & DH strained relationship

12 replies

gertrud76 · 09/09/2025 12:42

Dd is 12, dh is not bio father. She doesn’t have a relationship with bio.

Their relationship isn’t the best, they get on as such but she isn’t close with him. There’s definitely a lack of respect, she doesn’t listen to him the way she does me. He tells her off a lot, like picks on the small things she does, the way he tries to be positive is by being jokey with her and when he tries to do the nice/soft approach (as I told him being jokey isn’t the only way to have positive interactions with her) it comes off fake and she sees through it.

I found a letter she wrote, saying basically she hates him he always tells her off, he’s rude, he’s disgusting, he makes her feel uncomfortable, etc it broke my heart tbh. I know their relationship wasn’t good but this is so sad to read.

My immediate thought was he has some serious work to do, because ultimately she is a hormonal soon to be teenager and he is the adult. AIBU with that logic?

How do I handle this I have no clue what to suggest…..

OP posts:
StonwEd · 09/09/2025 12:43

How long have you been together?

Starlight7080 · 09/09/2025 12:46

I would say the living arrangements dont work.
How long has he been living with you?

indoorplantqueen · 09/09/2025 12:47

Has the relationship always been like this?
do you have other children?

MiddleAgeRageMonster · 09/09/2025 12:50

Why does she find him 'disgusting'? That's a strong word for a 12 year old and is giving me the creepy vibes.

Original poster
gertrud76 · 09/09/2025 12:50

We’ve all lived together now for 5 years, we have a child together too. I just don’t know how to tackle, would it be therapy?

OP posts:
Flora2899 · 09/09/2025 12:51

Must be torture to live in a house with someone you can't stand, poor dd. How long have you been together/married/lived together?

How much alone time do you get with your dd without him around?

Original poster
gertrud76 · 09/09/2025 12:51

MiddleAgeRageMonster · 09/09/2025 12:50

Why does she find him 'disgusting'? That's a strong word for a 12 year old and is giving me the creepy vibes.

She’s referring to dinner time, if he has food on his face for a second before wiping with a tissue, or he clears his throat sometimes and she hates it.

OP posts:
whatasillygoose · 09/09/2025 12:52

You’ve identified already that the way he speaks to her is unhelpful and probably unkind.

How does he make her uncomfortable? In what way is he disgusting?

Can you see why she feels that?

You need to talk with her, away from him/home and really listen. Don’t be defensive and don’t defend him, just hear her and what she thinks/feels.

Ultimately she has to come first. You won’t know what the work/solution is until you really understand the problem.

nutbrownhare15 · 09/09/2025 12:53

You need to put your daughter first. Have a proper talk with her about how she is feeling. Don't defend him, just listen. Then talk to him. If he is open to changing and considering her point of view then maybe family therapy would be an option. If he is defensive then you do need to consider ending things as it's not fair for her to feel like this in her own home.

Original poster
gertrud76 · 09/09/2025 12:53

Flora2899 · 09/09/2025 12:51

Must be torture to live in a house with someone you can't stand, poor dd. How long have you been together/married/lived together?

How much alone time do you get with your dd without him around?

I know it’s made me feel so sad. W have loads of time together just us tbh, we do a sport together mid week, the weekends we have lots of just us time.

Obviously this was written in anger, they do talk on a day to day basis and it’s normal, she jokes with him too etc even calls him dad. So it’s not all the time but I don’t want her feeling like this ever!

OP posts:
whatasillygoose · 09/09/2025 12:54

gertrud76 · 09/09/2025 12:50

We’ve all lived together now for 5 years, we have a child together too. I just don’t know how to tackle, would it be therapy?

If her concerns are valid and based on how he behaves then he needs to address that. He’s the adult.

Maybe some sort of family counselling/therapy could be helpful down the line but she and he have to be really open to this and wanting things to be different. You can’t force it.

hepsitemiz · 09/09/2025 12:55

To whom was the letter addressed?

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