parents (long sorry)

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My partner's parents phone him most nights and ask him to go for a cup of tea on way home from work, this winds me up a bit as our dd can't wait to see him after work but this makes him late every night. They than visit us one night a week, we ask them to come at 7 but they turn up at 6.30 and ruin our dinner. They then sit there for up to 4 hours while we bath dd (10 months) and I have to go upstairs to bf and put her to bed. This week they said to dp, we think we should come more often as dd hardly sees us and she won't remember us. I think once a week is enough, we have other relatives and want some time on our own. AIBU?

The cup of tea 5 days a week is unreasonable IMO, however visiting once per week is not, why can't they come earlier, join you for dinner and let them bath dd etc? Unless they are truly awful toxic parents that would be a wonderful relationship for your dd to have with them.

No you're not being unreasonable. I would consider their visit once a week as you describe far too much already, esp if they just "sit there". They should be helping if they are going to come that often - washing up, mowing the lawn or something, not just creating more work for you.

yanbu
your dh needs to sort this out
this kind of thing wrecks r'ships imo

They are 70 and have bad health so they don't/can't help at all, can't get upstairs to help with bathing, can't pick up dd from floor, they just sit and demand tea which I even have to pass to them between drinks. I feel mean as they are ill but it's unhelpful.
DP says he is busy sometimes but they pester him and he gives in or they say they need help with something. Emotional blackmail.

Some people (my inlaws are like this) feel that if they are "guests" they should just sit there and be waited on.

I think that they want the best of both worlds, they want (so they say) a close warm relationship with their gd. They then choose to hold her daddy up most evenings, and the one night they come over turn up early.

If they are "formal" guests then they should turn up at a more convenient time and limit the time of the visit especially if it is a week night. If they would prefer to be treated more as "family" then (imo) they should perhaps join in a little more - perhaps make a cup of tea for everyone or clear away while you are upstairs with dd.

I would suggest perhaps asking them to join you for dinner (once a fortnight if once a week is too much). Suggest a compromise to your dp - perhaps he could go round two evening per week, once on the way home from work and another night later on in the evening.

Ime once these "traditions" are set then they will come to expect it. Your dd is still young enough for you to try and establish more mutually convenient arrangements.

Oh tab the more info you give us the more I sympathise. At the mo my inlaws aren't speaking to us. Part of the problem is that they have a number of expectations/traditions and if we waver from them mil especially gets very cold and sneery.

I really do sympathise. Most wise mnetters will say to you that your dp needs to talk to them, as they are of course his parents.

Emotional blackmail is awful. However your dp has newer priorities now. Ultimately they have to decide whether they want to see slightly less of you all on good terms, or whether they want to sulk and try and manipulate you into continuing with how they want things.

they def want the best of both worlds, want dd to sit on their laps and play but then when she wants to climb down they shout us to get her so can't even leave the room. at dd christening my parents helped serve drinks, washed up and generally helped, dp's mother said to my mom "i'll have another cup of tea please love" like she was a waitress, could've strangled her, ha ha. feel better for venting.

YANBU at all. Once a week is already a lot, why not try once a fortnight and maybe a brief visit during the day?

Also your dp goes there 5 evenings a week afterv work? That's realy unfair to you and dd!

My mil declined to hold my 4 month old beautiful dd at Christmas in case she was sick on her foul frilly blouse!

Hope you can get some sort of solution, it is really hard when family relations are strained.

thanks for all answering, it's nice to know i'm not being too unreasonable. Have agreed with dp that we will have at least one week night when it's just the 3 of us all night and Sundays we normally have as our family day so I think we are getting sorted. DP trys to please everyone and sometimes ends up pleasing no-one, I have told him we are his family and 1st priority but I know it's hard having older parents.